1. Times New Roman
There’s really no better choice to subtly yet powerfully express your overall meekness and wet blanket personality than Times New Roman! How else can you assure recruiters that you pedantically cycled through all the font options before assuredly saying to your worthless, pathetic self that “Yes, the font I have been using since third grade will do just fine!” ? Use this font to clearly illustrate your extensive experience in watching paint dry, staring at the ceiling, and counting blades of grass For a font as old as the Romans, but with none of the innovation, Times New Roman is there! (Cool it with the exclamation points though, you don’t want to send the wrong message.)
2. Georgia
When Times New Roman is too basic for you, turn to Georgia. It has all the bootlicking qualities of a traditional serif font, with slightly wider letters. It’s the font equivalent of broadening your stance to look bigger and more intimidating to predators. It’ll definitely make your “Volunteer at the Greenwich 4-H Club Fall Fundraiser” experience look like a cut-throat business experience to that Goldman Sachs recruiter. Those little projections at the end of the letters say everything employers need to know — you play by the rules, you won’t rock the boat, and you are ready to sacrifice everything unique about yourself in order to rise in social class.
3. Calibri
Ok, yeah, so this is just the Microsoft Word default font, but who are you to overrule the almighty?! Microsoft, the multi-billion dollar company and design geniuses behind products like Windows Vista, knows a hell of a lot more about font than you ever will. Calibri’s sans-serif attitude and compliance with the rules will show off both your modern sensibility and design chops. Maybe by appealing to Microsoft’s wisdom, you can distract that pre-med frat from your skills section, which only has “Verbal Presentation, Written Presentation, Excel, and HTML.”
4. Roboto
The Roboto font is one step away from robot, so project teams will surely be interested. Whether it’s a mars rover project or mechanical assistants for the elderly, your peers working on cutting-edge projects will be convinced of your robotics experience from this font choice alone. So what if the only vaguely techy thing you list is a “Python for Teens” class on Coursera that you never actually finished? You used Roboto, so you’re automatically a tech wiz.
5. Amatic SC
Who can reject you for an internship if you use a font Meant for the OUTSIDE OF MASON JARS? AMATIC IS A FONT THAT LIKES TO CURL UP WITH A GOOD BOOK AND TAKE BUBBLE BATHS. AMATIC WILL PICK YOU UP FROM THE AIRPORT. AMATIC, MORE THAN ANY OTHER FONT, IS A FRIEND. SHOW OFF YOUR SENSITIVE SIDE TO ANY NON-PROFIT’S UNIVERSITY RELATIONS TEAM AND YOU’LL HAVE THEM CLAMOURING OVER you, INTENT ON HARNESSING YOUR PERCEIVED EMPATHY FOR THEIR RESPECTIVE CAUSE.
6. Courier
Well prithee thee good fellow! You really can’t go wrong with Courier. It’s timeless, strict,and harkens back to the days of yore, when computers were rare and measles significantly less so. There’s no better way to say “Dear Sir/Madam, My sincerest apologies for the delay in my telegram, for I am actually applying to this job from the year 1875, and as such may only use this modest typewriter. I do so very much hope to acquire the aforementioned job positioning before I pass due to dysentery at the age of 27.” than using the same font as your great great grandparents. Tally ho!
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