All posts by Nooz Staff

Gross! Roommate Has One Of Those Light-Up Incel Keyboards

CLARA DICKSON HALL—As students across campus are feeling more settled in their dorms, many roommates have revealed themselves to be involuntarily celibate via their choice of techware. One of the most telling and most common of these is the sad, and concerningly sticky, rainbow light-up keyboard.

“At first I saw the colors and I thought it meant that he was an LGBT or something,” describes Cayden Knowles ‘25, “But then I saw his anime titty mouse-pad, and then I remembered that he had told me he was in the engineering school… and I started putting the pieces together, and the puzzle I created was a sick portrait of a deeply disturbed individual.”

However, identifying that your roommate is an incel is not always this easy. Oftentimes cues can be overlooked as just “guy talk,” as Blain Fergouson ‘25 explains, “My roommate kept throwing around the word ‘femoid,’ and I thought it was just another way to degrade women, but it turns out he wasn’t getting tail while he was doing it. Like, dude, just keep those thoughts in your head like the rest of us and you’ll get some.”

Concerned and disgusted students will be happy to hear that Cornell will be adding a “favorite movie” question on its application in future years, blacklisting “Taxi Driver,” “American Psycho,” “Joker,” or other Incel-ian films for all male applicants.

Diversity Win! One Person in Your Orientation Group is Not From Long Island

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL — Freshman Ricky Harrison sat down in a circle on the floor with his new classmates to play icebreakers and exchange basic information, expecting to hear all about his fellow Long Islanders’ opinions on the travel time to Ithaca, and whether Louie’s Lunch was as good as the tamale stand at the corner of 11th and 45th. To his surprise, Marissa Sheldon across the circle did not say her hometown was Long Island, New York, but she was from somewhere else entirely.

“At first I was like, is that some neighborhood in Queens?” Harrison said while attempting to find Sheldon’s hometown, Scarsdale, on Google Maps. “And then I realized she wasn’t from Long Island at all, which like, whoa, you know? I didn’t think I’d meet someone who lived more than 50 miles from me that quickly!” Talk about progress!

Sheldon is one of at least four students, potentially more, who were born and raised outside of Long Island – a small, but rapidly growing minority on campus. “I’m so excited to be a part of such a diverse community at Cornell,” she said. “We might have grown up in a huge variety of place, but at the end of the day we’re all unified by the Big Red spirit, even if we’re all from different parts of New York.”

Harrison is looking forward to Sheldon’s efforts in creating the Cornell Association for Undergraduates from Westchester County, and potentially meeting people from other parts of the tri-state area.

Ten Zany Lines to Say at Your In-Person Icebreakers That Will Have Everyone Wishing They Could Go Back Into Quarantine

Hey, you! Yes, you, you nervous, wide-eyed, naive frosh! I bet you’re thinking right now about how you can impress your entire orientation group with a cool Icebreaker that’ll have the whole mandatory orientation group voluntarily nodding and laughing!

Well, STOP thinking about that. Icebreakers are about one thing: survival. You either escape the orientation group with absolutely no one remembering you, or you have the entire group telling their actual friends about that one fuck-up who thought they were the shit. Let that be somebody else. Everybody is finally interacting with other human beings for the first time in, like, two years. Do you really want to be the cringey blowhard that makes everyone mutter under their breath “God, put me back into fucking lockdown.”

So what can you do? Whatever you decide to say when you’re talking about your summer vacation or your family, DON’T say any of these. Wait until some other asshole says one of these, and then just calmly say, “Get a load of this guy!”

  1. “Oh, yeah, my older brother was actually the President of one of the frats that got banned.”

Oh, yeah, that’ll really impress all the girls in the group, you creep.

 

2. “Wow, this campus is awesome. I’m so glad Dad is paying for all this.”

Way to make yourself relatable to 0.1% of people in America (which, in all fairness, will probably be a good part of your orientation group at Cornell). 

 

3. “Oh hey everyone, guess we don’t have to unmute anymore!”

Get it? Because of the pandemic we all just went through? And how we all had to be on Zoom? Comedic genius here, everybody!

 

4. “My intended major? Partying!”

You could just say “Business” and everyone would be equally unimpressed.

 

5. “Oh, I had an awesome vacation in Hawaii, even though the natives were a bit upset that we were there.”

Holy fuck, are you here for the School of Colonial Administration?

 

6. “But the state schools don’t really count as Cornell, right?”

You seem more comfortable on some elitist college subreddit than you do interacting with other human beings. 

 

7. “That building we just passed? Yeah, that’s my last name too, haha.”

Slow down there, buddy. Next thing you know you’re gonna be detained by the FBI agent who was undercover in your orientation group.

 

8. “My favorite Cornell alumni has to be Andy Bernard!”

You did it! You are the billionth person to make that joke, and you’ve won a special prize: utter social ostracization.

 

9. “This was such a great orientation group! We should all hang out again in the future!”

That was the first funny thing you’ve said all tour.

 

10. “I didn’t get the vaccine.”

Save this one to the end of the tour to have everyone really in hysterics.

 

How to Network with People Who Will One Day Be Interviewed in the Documentary About Your Tragic Downfall

Career sites are full of advice for networking in your chosen field, but what about the girl who wants a little extra? You know, like making a professional connection who will one day stare hollow-eyed into the camera as they recount all the missed signs that you were headed down a path of violent self-destruction. Just follow these tips and before you know it you’ll be the subject of a documentary so fascinating you’ll forget you’re serving twenty to life.

Hype yourself up. Confidence is key to making a good first impression. Practice giving yourself the same steely glare you will soon give the journalist who threatened to expose your business practices moments before the hitman you hired strikes true. Remember, everyone who laughed at you will be sorry!

Wear a novelty tie. They’ll be sure to remember how young, how carefree you looked in that banana print tie! What hideous deeds have replaced that earnest smile with the stone-cold frown of a killer? Everyone who knows has been permanently relocated to the bottom of the Mississippi, but wouldn’t the viewers love to find out.

Overpromise and underdeliver. Be sure to drop key phrases like “My morals are important” and “I would never grease my machine with the blood of orphans to save two cents per thousand parts.” Your fellow networkers will be sure to tell the director they had no idea such an upstanding member of society could operate an underground orphan juicing factory.

Attend Dyson. Where else are you going to find such high-quality orphan juicers?

Finally! New “3-S” University Initiative Encourages Vaccinated Students To Spit, Stomp, and Shit On The Unvaccinated

DAY HALL—As more and more students have become fully vaccinated in the past weeks, President Martha Pollack announced earlier this morning a new university measure to encourage unvaccinated students to receive a COVID-19 shot. The initiative introduces an innovative approach for a move towards normalcy, requiring all vaccinated students to take advantage of their immunity through maskless, physical violence against the unvaxxed. About time!

“This year has really been difficult for all students, and I wanted to allow those who have been working hard to protect themselves while letting off some steam. I really do care about the mental health of our vaxxed students. So, I thought I should kill two birds with one stone by creating a Cornell-synthesized hierarchical class structure that places the puny, pathetic, vaxx-less on the bottom where they belong,” commented Pollack, wiping blood off of her hands before chugging a Keystone. “Now, students can beat the fucking shit out of their weaker peers at anytime. Stomp, spit, and shit on those primitive troglodytes! We’re in a return to normalcy, baby! WOOHOOOO!!!!” 

“I really feel as though the Cornell community has been brought even closer with this initiative,” says Kayla Benigni ‘23, “Like, I feel like the world is finally healing.” Sighs of relief have been heard all throughout campus after Pollack’s announcement, followed by the sounds, sights, and smells of sweet, sweet abuse. 

The university will be dedicating facilities to the “3-S” Initiative, developing a space that anyone in need of an emotional outlet can use. The space will house several involuntarily unvaccinated human punching bags who you can tell based on their trembling are super excited to be contributing to such a noble cause! The “(Big) Red Room” will be replacing the current mental health resource offices in the Cornell Health building. Talk about progress!

Tearing Up Because A TA Looked At Me Kindly And Five Other Things That Don’t Mean Anything Because I’m Fine

Recently, I endured what most would agree is an extremely common and normal experience: while sitting in office hours, the TA turned to me, with a bright gaze full of empathy and understanding, and I burst into tears. This led to all sorts of intrusive questions like “how are you?” and “would you like to talk?” Ridiculous questions, given that I am so totally fine.

Although Big Therapy would have you believe otherwise, most of our emotional reactions are completely random and have no kind of deeper meaning. Here are five other utterly non-Freudian slips that have absolutely no deeper meaning and definitely don’t deserve any sort of analysis or reflection:

  1. Browsing dog adoption websites for three days and then going to the Cornell store to look at baby shirts for your hypothetical golden retriever puppy because you just want a hug.
  2. Going to the dining hall to get a takeout container full of french fries and a single hard boiled egg.
  3. Considering spilling hydrochloric acid on yourself during your Chemistry lab just to feel something.
  4. Forgetting to put a bra on when walking outside and then spending ten minutes debating whether or not to go back inside and put one on only to realize you forgot your ID in your room, so you can’t get back into your dorm and your nipples are showing so you yell at your friend’s window, but of course she’s not there so you wait until Ethan from the third floor lets you in after awkwardly trying not to stare, only to decide getting your COVID test isn’t worth this much trouble and taking a ten-hour nap so you miss the angry email from Martha Pollack telling you that you can’t go on campus until you get tested and fifteen hours later you can’t buy a smoothie from Terrace and are removed from the premises for “causing a scene” and oh look Ethan’s here too.
  5. Accidentally calling your professor “Daddy.”

Awkward! Professor Keeps Putting Ugly Pet On Zoom

ZOOMTorturing his students with the horrific sight of his cat Muffins, Cornell ethics professor Daniel Shrocket made it a point to direct his camera front-and-center whenever his frightful bundle of hairballs stalked across his room.

Students in the class have expressed their inability to discern why anyone would adopt such a beast, but have selflessly banded together, noting that it’s in their best interest to keep that to themselves. “Whenever the professor turns the camera on it, I feel the bile gathering in the back of my mouth,” said Alexis Santos ‘23. “Then I realize that the professor controls my grade so I give it three ‘awwwws,’ and I enquire how old the ugly little shit is.”

Those unfortunate enough to attend the professor’s office hours face even greater frights. Andrea Yankoto ‘23 has resorted to skipping class after one virtual encounter with the cat’s mangled fur and protruding teeth. “All I wanted was to clarify an essay’s due date, but when I joined Professor Shrocket was just sitting there stroking his feline like a Bond-villain. Then he asked me ‘isn’t Muffins the cutest,’” recounted Yankoto, eyes glazed. “I just froze. I don’t have the heart to tell him, but god damn that thing is ugly.”

Contrary to his students’ beliefs, Shrocket privately revealed that he is aware of the repulsiveness of his furball; the professor remarked that he “only fondles the little beast to watch the class squirm and kiss ass over their grades.”

6 Passive Aggressive Compliments to Comment Under Your Friend’s LinkedIn Updates About Their Finance Internships

It’s time, once again, for the Ivy League blowhards of the world to announce how utterly honored they are to have been accepted into various summer internships in fields that range from “making rich people richer” to “making poor people poorer” to the occasional “making poor people marginally richer on risky investments in service of making a corporation a whole richer.” 

And as they publicly post their internship plans, laying out their self dignity on the altar of capitalism like Abraham did his son, it is your privilege—nay, your sacred duty—to make them pay, emotionally. Time is of the essence: you have to make sure to get in fast while they still have a soul left to wound. Sure, they’re your friends, but they’re also really annoying. So here’s how to neg them like you’re a pickup artist who’s spent the whole week watching questionable Youtube dating advice videos and they’re an unsuspecting girl trying to enjoy her drink at the bar.

  1. So glad you pushed through and didn’t let all the rejections get you down! This one is classic—remind them of their failures and emotionally drag them back into the deep pit of despair that is an inbox full of “we regret to inform you” emails. While you might seem to be praising their resilience, you’ve just told them, and the world, that although they may have a great opportunity right now, they’re still a big fat reject in your mind.
  2. Ignore what anyone might say about working for your dad! I think devoting your time to your family businesses is noble. Too many exclamation points can make this one sound insincere, so you’ve really got to nail the punctuation game. They’re sure to be sensitive about getting a job from their family, so take advantage of the sore spot. In this case, we’re not trying to twist the knife—more like an icepick jab at an open wound.
  3. You’re so brave to post about your new internship while so many of your peers struggle to find employment <3 prioritize yourself, girlboss! In the case that your friend still has some semblance of a moral compass left, make sure to exploit that. She’s probably already feeling a little guilty, and it’s your job to let her know that yes, she should wonder if she is betraying her own morals for a soul-crushing job that doesn’t even pay that well hourly when you factor in her 80-hour work week.
  4. Wowza! Goldman? Ignore the voice in your head telling you you’re an imposter fraud that’s going to crash and burn. I know you’ll do great 🙂 Everyone has impostor syndrome to some degree: it’s just a matter of how good you are at shouting the questioning voice down. With this comment, we give that voice a megaphone, amplifier, and sick background track. It was already in them all along, but now it’s at the top of their mind. Way to psych them out, champ! Your words will be sure to echo in their head when they try to fall asleep at night for weeks to come.
  5. Your networking skills are insane, bro! Because we all know it’s not your grades that scored you this elite internship hahaha! This casual joke-y insult is perfect for the proudest of finance bros. Not only does he expect to be humorously bullied, he sort of craves it now due to the war-crime-adjacent treatment and conditioning he endured as a pledge. He’ll never admit his stomach dropped like a stone upon seeing your notification pop up and reading your pointed callout of his most sensitive deficiency. He’s a bro! He’s chill! He doesn’t care!
  6. Good on you for prioritizing the start-up spirit over the money and prestige of big banking! One might think this is a little cruel—after all, we should be praising our friends for not giving in to the Goldman-JP-Morgan industrial complex. The truth is, startup bros are the most dangerous of them all. Facebook was once a startup, and now it’s a national birthday registry. We must humble the finance startup interns just as much as the others, because, like tumors, startups grow.

Nooz Explains: How to Convince Your Mom You Can’t Live at Home for Your Remote Internship

It’s that time of year again. Moms from all over the country are texting their children, asking to “chat about summer plans.” We at Nooz have utmost sympathy for the plight of affected students, which is why we’ve compiled this guide on how to hop on the phone and politely let your mom know that despite having every ability to spend more time with your family this summer for free, you would rather pay money to live somewhere else and have absolutely nothing to do with them.

First, plant the seed. Soften the blow and delay because you’re a little bitch that needs an internet tutorial on how to communicate with your closest family. Casually mention to your mom that the smart friend she always compares you to is getting an apartment for their remote internship: “My friend Jeremy, you know Jeremy, right?” you’ll ask her (she knows Jeremy, and is wondering why he didn’t drop CS for InfoSci because it was “too stressful” like you did), “well, he told me all about how he’s doing online off-sight.” Explain how online off-sight (we’re branding this summer excursion) is preferable to returning to your navy blue bedroom with a closet full of playbills from a middle school production. You would hate to drop Zoom calls because of everyone using the WIFI. Your super professional bosses at your mediocre startup that grudgingly accepted you as severely underpaid labor will blow a gasket if they hear the Disposall in the background. You can’t be productive if your younger sibling is going to be doing something that isn’t actually a big deal but you have to act like it is. Try not to bring up the absolutely rancid and oppressive vibes of your childhood home.

Next, pick a place, and do your research. Think of the announcement call as a pop quiz, but instead of risking a score of 13% in a class you’re going to switch to S/U at the last moment anyway, you’re risking the full force of weaponized guilt. Rebrand “Oh dear god anywhere but home, anywhere but that godforsaken place,” into “the Bay Area offers me an incredible opportunity to work on improving my skills at sitting in a car.” Know the housing prices, memorize the attractions, and make up at least 3 close friends that live in the area. “But what if something happens, like you need to buy a mattress or you break your ankle or you get drawn into the seedy underbelly of crime in the big city after making one mistake and scrambling to cover your tracks and protect your bright future?” your mother will likely ask. Easy—Jenny’s parents will help out! They’ve got a flatbed truck! Jenny doesn’t have to exist, but there’s no harm in creating extremely detailed fake Instagram, Facebook, and Tiktok accounts for her and her closest friends to assuage the fears of the tech-savvy parent.

Lastly, reassure her that you’ll still visit your family. Get specific with dates. “We get a 4-day weekend for the 4th of July,” you might tell her as she quietly sobs on the line. It’s easy to worm your way out of this later. Simply arrive late, spend a single day absolutely trashed, duck out to meet up with “Cornell friends” the next day, and depart early the next morning.

That’s all you need to do! It might take a little while for her to accept it, but if worst comes to worst, you can always hire a body double, pay for their extensive plastic surgery, and prepare them to infiltrate your family and take your place. Anything to avoid having a mature conversation!

Feminism Win! I Ran Over a Guy

As I was driving the four-minute commute from campus to my apartment, I felt an unfamiliar speed bump along Stewart Avenue. My initial surprise quickly morphed into horror as I realized that what I thought was a speed bump was actually a person.

Feeling sick, I pulled over and quickly ran to the motionless, slightly flattened figure. I tried to examine them to get an indication of who they were and ascertain if they might be okay. After a few seconds of observation, they emitted a low, gurgled groan from deep in their throat. This let me breathe a huge sigh of relief. All was okay. Everything was right with the world. I had only hit a man!

Phew, thank God! I know She was looking down on me and smiling. That’s the only way I could’ve been so lucky as to strike a male progenitor from the breeding pool. He screamed for his mother as his limbs contorted in unconventional directions. Huh, look who needs women now? His newly punctured femoral artery painted the road like a scarlet blossom bringing hope to a weary world in early spring. The scene nearly brought a tear to my eye. Girlboss moment!

I practically skipped back to my car. The new dent in the bumper was a trophy for a job well done. The world just seemed brighter after I realized I had done my part to bring down the patriarchy. Making my way back to Collegetown, I knew I was making my foremothers proud. Shattering the glass ceiling, one tibia at a time. Ooh, and he was also white! Bonus points!