All posts by Nooz Staff

Finally! New “3-S” University Initiative Encourages Vaccinated Students To Spit, Stomp, and Shit On The Unvaccinated

DAY HALL—As more and more students have become fully vaccinated in the past weeks, President Martha Pollack announced earlier this morning a new university measure to encourage unvaccinated students to receive a COVID-19 shot. The initiative introduces an innovative approach for a move towards normalcy, requiring all vaccinated students to take advantage of their immunity through maskless, physical violence against the unvaxxed. About time!

“This year has really been difficult for all students, and I wanted to allow those who have been working hard to protect themselves while letting off some steam. I really do care about the mental health of our vaxxed students. So, I thought I should kill two birds with one stone by creating a Cornell-synthesized hierarchical class structure that places the puny, pathetic, vaxx-less on the bottom where they belong,” commented Pollack, wiping blood off of her hands before chugging a Keystone. “Now, students can beat the fucking shit out of their weaker peers at anytime. Stomp, spit, and shit on those primitive troglodytes! We’re in a return to normalcy, baby! WOOHOOOO!!!!” 

“I really feel as though the Cornell community has been brought even closer with this initiative,” says Kayla Benigni ‘23, “Like, I feel like the world is finally healing.” Sighs of relief have been heard all throughout campus after Pollack’s announcement, followed by the sounds, sights, and smells of sweet, sweet abuse. 

The university will be dedicating facilities to the “3-S” Initiative, developing a space that anyone in need of an emotional outlet can use. The space will house several involuntarily unvaccinated human punching bags who you can tell based on their trembling are super excited to be contributing to such a noble cause! The “(Big) Red Room” will be replacing the current mental health resource offices in the Cornell Health building. Talk about progress!

Tearing Up Because A TA Looked At Me Kindly And Five Other Things That Don’t Mean Anything Because I’m Fine

Recently, I endured what most would agree is an extremely common and normal experience: while sitting in office hours, the TA turned to me, with a bright gaze full of empathy and understanding, and I burst into tears. This led to all sorts of intrusive questions like “how are you?” and “would you like to talk?” Ridiculous questions, given that I am so totally fine.

Although Big Therapy would have you believe otherwise, most of our emotional reactions are completely random and have no kind of deeper meaning. Here are five other utterly non-Freudian slips that have absolutely no deeper meaning and definitely don’t deserve any sort of analysis or reflection:

  1. Browsing dog adoption websites for three days and then going to the Cornell store to look at baby shirts for your hypothetical golden retriever puppy because you just want a hug.
  2. Going to the dining hall to get a takeout container full of french fries and a single hard boiled egg.
  3. Considering spilling hydrochloric acid on yourself during your Chemistry lab just to feel something.
  4. Forgetting to put a bra on when walking outside and then spending ten minutes debating whether or not to go back inside and put one on only to realize you forgot your ID in your room, so you can’t get back into your dorm and your nipples are showing so you yell at your friend’s window, but of course she’s not there so you wait until Ethan from the third floor lets you in after awkwardly trying not to stare, only to decide getting your COVID test isn’t worth this much trouble and taking a ten-hour nap so you miss the angry email from Martha Pollack telling you that you can’t go on campus until you get tested and fifteen hours later you can’t buy a smoothie from Terrace and are removed from the premises for “causing a scene” and oh look Ethan’s here too.
  5. Accidentally calling your professor “Daddy.”

Awkward! Professor Keeps Putting Ugly Pet On Zoom

ZOOMTorturing his students with the horrific sight of his cat Muffins, Cornell ethics professor Daniel Shrocket made it a point to direct his camera front-and-center whenever his frightful bundle of hairballs stalked across his room.

Students in the class have expressed their inability to discern why anyone would adopt such a beast, but have selflessly banded together, noting that it’s in their best interest to keep that to themselves. “Whenever the professor turns the camera on it, I feel the bile gathering in the back of my mouth,” said Alexis Santos ‘23. “Then I realize that the professor controls my grade so I give it three ‘awwwws,’ and I enquire how old the ugly little shit is.”

Those unfortunate enough to attend the professor’s office hours face even greater frights. Andrea Yankoto ‘23 has resorted to skipping class after one virtual encounter with the cat’s mangled fur and protruding teeth. “All I wanted was to clarify an essay’s due date, but when I joined Professor Shrocket was just sitting there stroking his feline like a Bond-villain. Then he asked me ‘isn’t Muffins the cutest,’” recounted Yankoto, eyes glazed. “I just froze. I don’t have the heart to tell him, but god damn that thing is ugly.”

Contrary to his students’ beliefs, Shrocket privately revealed that he is aware of the repulsiveness of his furball; the professor remarked that he “only fondles the little beast to watch the class squirm and kiss ass over their grades.”

6 Passive Aggressive Compliments to Comment Under Your Friend’s LinkedIn Updates About Their Finance Internships

It’s time, once again, for the Ivy League blowhards of the world to announce how utterly honored they are to have been accepted into various summer internships in fields that range from “making rich people richer” to “making poor people poorer” to the occasional “making poor people marginally richer on risky investments in service of making a corporation a whole richer.” 

And as they publicly post their internship plans, laying out their self dignity on the altar of capitalism like Abraham did his son, it is your privilege—nay, your sacred duty—to make them pay, emotionally. Time is of the essence: you have to make sure to get in fast while they still have a soul left to wound. Sure, they’re your friends, but they’re also really annoying. So here’s how to neg them like you’re a pickup artist who’s spent the whole week watching questionable Youtube dating advice videos and they’re an unsuspecting girl trying to enjoy her drink at the bar.

  1. So glad you pushed through and didn’t let all the rejections get you down! This one is classic—remind them of their failures and emotionally drag them back into the deep pit of despair that is an inbox full of “we regret to inform you” emails. While you might seem to be praising their resilience, you’ve just told them, and the world, that although they may have a great opportunity right now, they’re still a big fat reject in your mind.
  2. Ignore what anyone might say about working for your dad! I think devoting your time to your family businesses is noble. Too many exclamation points can make this one sound insincere, so you’ve really got to nail the punctuation game. They’re sure to be sensitive about getting a job from their family, so take advantage of the sore spot. In this case, we’re not trying to twist the knife—more like an icepick jab at an open wound.
  3. You’re so brave to post about your new internship while so many of your peers struggle to find employment <3 prioritize yourself, girlboss! In the case that your friend still has some semblance of a moral compass left, make sure to exploit that. She’s probably already feeling a little guilty, and it’s your job to let her know that yes, she should wonder if she is betraying her own morals for a soul-crushing job that doesn’t even pay that well hourly when you factor in her 80-hour work week.
  4. Wowza! Goldman? Ignore the voice in your head telling you you’re an imposter fraud that’s going to crash and burn. I know you’ll do great 🙂 Everyone has impostor syndrome to some degree: it’s just a matter of how good you are at shouting the questioning voice down. With this comment, we give that voice a megaphone, amplifier, and sick background track. It was already in them all along, but now it’s at the top of their mind. Way to psych them out, champ! Your words will be sure to echo in their head when they try to fall asleep at night for weeks to come.
  5. Your networking skills are insane, bro! Because we all know it’s not your grades that scored you this elite internship hahaha! This casual joke-y insult is perfect for the proudest of finance bros. Not only does he expect to be humorously bullied, he sort of craves it now due to the war-crime-adjacent treatment and conditioning he endured as a pledge. He’ll never admit his stomach dropped like a stone upon seeing your notification pop up and reading your pointed callout of his most sensitive deficiency. He’s a bro! He’s chill! He doesn’t care!
  6. Good on you for prioritizing the start-up spirit over the money and prestige of big banking! One might think this is a little cruel—after all, we should be praising our friends for not giving in to the Goldman-JP-Morgan industrial complex. The truth is, startup bros are the most dangerous of them all. Facebook was once a startup, and now it’s a national birthday registry. We must humble the finance startup interns just as much as the others, because, like tumors, startups grow.

Nooz Explains: How to Convince Your Mom You Can’t Live at Home for Your Remote Internship

It’s that time of year again. Moms from all over the country are texting their children, asking to “chat about summer plans.” We at Nooz have utmost sympathy for the plight of affected students, which is why we’ve compiled this guide on how to hop on the phone and politely let your mom know that despite having every ability to spend more time with your family this summer for free, you would rather pay money to live somewhere else and have absolutely nothing to do with them.

First, plant the seed. Soften the blow and delay because you’re a little bitch that needs an internet tutorial on how to communicate with your closest family. Casually mention to your mom that the smart friend she always compares you to is getting an apartment for their remote internship: “My friend Jeremy, you know Jeremy, right?” you’ll ask her (she knows Jeremy, and is wondering why he didn’t drop CS for InfoSci because it was “too stressful” like you did), “well, he told me all about how he’s doing online off-sight.” Explain how online off-sight (we’re branding this summer excursion) is preferable to returning to your navy blue bedroom with a closet full of playbills from a middle school production. You would hate to drop Zoom calls because of everyone using the WIFI. Your super professional bosses at your mediocre startup that grudgingly accepted you as severely underpaid labor will blow a gasket if they hear the Disposall in the background. You can’t be productive if your younger sibling is going to be doing something that isn’t actually a big deal but you have to act like it is. Try not to bring up the absolutely rancid and oppressive vibes of your childhood home.

Next, pick a place, and do your research. Think of the announcement call as a pop quiz, but instead of risking a score of 13% in a class you’re going to switch to S/U at the last moment anyway, you’re risking the full force of weaponized guilt. Rebrand “Oh dear god anywhere but home, anywhere but that godforsaken place,” into “the Bay Area offers me an incredible opportunity to work on improving my skills at sitting in a car.” Know the housing prices, memorize the attractions, and make up at least 3 close friends that live in the area. “But what if something happens, like you need to buy a mattress or you break your ankle or you get drawn into the seedy underbelly of crime in the big city after making one mistake and scrambling to cover your tracks and protect your bright future?” your mother will likely ask. Easy—Jenny’s parents will help out! They’ve got a flatbed truck! Jenny doesn’t have to exist, but there’s no harm in creating extremely detailed fake Instagram, Facebook, and Tiktok accounts for her and her closest friends to assuage the fears of the tech-savvy parent.

Lastly, reassure her that you’ll still visit your family. Get specific with dates. “We get a 4-day weekend for the 4th of July,” you might tell her as she quietly sobs on the line. It’s easy to worm your way out of this later. Simply arrive late, spend a single day absolutely trashed, duck out to meet up with “Cornell friends” the next day, and depart early the next morning.

That’s all you need to do! It might take a little while for her to accept it, but if worst comes to worst, you can always hire a body double, pay for their extensive plastic surgery, and prepare them to infiltrate your family and take your place. Anything to avoid having a mature conversation!

Feminism Win! I Ran Over a Guy

As I was driving the four-minute commute from campus to my apartment, I felt an unfamiliar speed bump along Stewart Avenue. My initial surprise quickly morphed into horror as I realized that what I thought was a speed bump was actually a person.

Feeling sick, I pulled over and quickly ran to the motionless, slightly flattened figure. I tried to examine them to get an indication of who they were and ascertain if they might be okay. After a few seconds of observation, they emitted a low, gurgled groan from deep in their throat. This let me breathe a huge sigh of relief. All was okay. Everything was right with the world. I had only hit a man!

Phew, thank God! I know She was looking down on me and smiling. That’s the only way I could’ve been so lucky as to strike a male progenitor from the breeding pool. He screamed for his mother as his limbs contorted in unconventional directions. Huh, look who needs women now? His newly punctured femoral artery painted the road like a scarlet blossom bringing hope to a weary world in early spring. The scene nearly brought a tear to my eye. Girlboss moment!

I practically skipped back to my car. The new dent in the bumper was a trophy for a job well done. The world just seemed brighter after I realized I had done my part to bring down the patriarchy. Making my way back to Collegetown, I knew I was making my foremothers proud. Shattering the glass ceiling, one tibia at a time. Ooh, and he was also white! Bonus points!

Girlboss Moment? I Got an Internship at Mommy’s Company Instead of My Daddy’s

Hey boss babes! I think we can all agree that this year’s recruiting season has been a real toughie, even for the strongest girlies out there. I know for me personally, my internship search was filled with long, grueling hours of sending my half-assed resume to my mommy and daddy to share with their extensive list of professional connections. That’s why I’m thrilled to share that I’ve accepted an internship offer at my mommy’s company!

I wanted to share this special moment with my fellow WomEntrepreneurs not just because I got this position at a Fortune 500 company with little-to-no effort, but because I got it at my MOMMY’s company instead of my daddy’s! If you ask me, there’s no better way to celebrate Women’s History Month than with a girlboss moment!

I know what you’re thinking: my unmatched display of girl power has propelled me to the forefront of the feminist movement. I love activism, and it’s sooo awesome that us ladies can do nepotism too! With my two newfound leadership positions I can’t wait to shatter the last remaining glass ceiling: the wage gap between white women and white men!

Help! My Girlfriend Is Smarter Than Me And I’m Scared

Dating in college can be tough. Everyone struggles with making time for each other or navigating the ups and downs of a relationship. But it’s especially hard for me, because my girlfriend is a super genius who uses her telekinetic powers to make my life a living hell.

Now, I’m not ashamed to be less smart than my girlfriend. When we started dating, I was proud to support my girlfriend whenever she aced an exam or made a male professor sob by disproving his life’s work. But something changed forever the night we watched Matilda. “Don’t worry, honey, this is just the power of representation in media,” she said as she began to levitate the kitchen knives one by one. My girlfriend had ascended into a truly terrifying being, but who was I to get in the way of a strong, intelligent woman? 

As a male feminist, I know not to speak over women. However, it’s hard for me not to be a little suspicious when my girlfriend tells me “I had nothing to do with the orb of malevolent energy in your room” or “I only melted your brainstem with my psychic beam a little.” Maybe it’s my subconscious biases against powerful women causing me to act this way? Wow, escaping influences of the heteropatriarchy is a task as hard and unending as escaping the extradimensional mind prison my girlfriend just locked me in!

Nowadays my life is spent dodging one psychic threat after another. I fear that in taking the time to write this, I’ve let my guard down too lon–Oh god, not the mind lasers again! I must admit it: I hate to see a girlboss win. 

Dystopian Nightmare? I Can’t Change My Testing Dates Anymore

COLLEGETOWN—It began as an innocent March day in Ithaca—March 1st, to be exact. The sun was kind of shining, at least enough to put a dent in the pile of soot-colored snow plowed off the road and into adjacent driveways three weeks ago. The Cornell populace was bundled up against a stiff breeze that threatened to cut through anything less than three sturdy layers of clothing. Was it perfect? No. But it was our life.

Then, at 5:47 p.m., came the notification that would spell the end of our little slice of Upstate paradise. “Change Your Test Day Form Closing 3/5,” sneered the email’s title. Faces across campus contorted in horror as we scanned the brief note for any indication that this might be—no, must be—some joke, some sort of sick prank by that nameless and faceless “COVID-19 Support Team.” But that reassurance would not come. We were on our own, forced to make a decision that could greatly alter the course of the rest of our lives, and potentially the next two months as well.

The next four days were spent making final arrangements. I agonized late into the night, weighing the merits of each possible combination. Monday/Friday or Tuesday/Friday—does it matter? Do I matter? Does anything matter? I could no longer say. All I knew was that my freedom was gone. From now on, my decisions would be made by The College.

That brings us to today. Cowed by the tyrannical rule of the Pollack administration, students are forced to labor through their days, knowing that they are forever locked into their swabbing selections. Nobody knows what happens if you try to change your testing days now—the gallant few who have sought this grail were never heard from again. Surely the outside world must soon recognize the Orwellian terrors lording over our once-proud school. I think that’s what Orwellian means, anyway. I never read 1984.

Pussy Power? The Seam of My Jeans Are Really Hitting the Spot Right Now

I’ll admit it: every so often I get down on myself for my total lack of accomplishment and inability to celebrate even the smallest things in life. However, that all changed today when I realized how good the inseam of my jeans felt on my pussy!

I’m not just referring to the tough seam pressing up against my pubic region either, I’m talking rough stitching rubbing against my fleshy labia, moving my floppy clitoral hood in circles, and vaginal lubricant seeping through my eight-year-old Target underwear. What’s better is I thought the thick blue denim of my jeans would soak up all the juices, but it just made me wetter! Talk about pussy power!

So friends with vaginas, if you’re ever feeling down about your partner not making you orgasm, or just not having any reason to celebrate your body, throw on your favorite pair of tight and out-of-fashion skinny jeans and get to rocking those hips all day long!