“I Think I’d Make A Good President” and Four Other Sayings That Mean He’s Probably Not the One

1. “You shouldn’t invade Russia in the winter.” History King! We all know this guy. He loves toppling foreign governments just a little too much. According to him, history starts with the Romans and ends with World War II. He can differentiate the all of France’s King Louis, and he Read More

The Top 10 Things To Do On Campus, Ranked By How Likely They Are To Stay Closed All Semester

ITHACA—As students return to campus for another hybrid semester, many long to reclaim their lost semesters. Whether you’re a wide-eyed freshman trying to craft a public indecency-free bucket list or a dejected senior mourning the inevitable loss of your Catherine Street block party, this list is for you. Here are Read More

Happy Thanksgiving! Thousands of Disease-Ridden Students Sent Home to Families In True Colonizer Spirit

In light of the growing number of COVID cases and the approaching holiday season, hoards of infected students have returned home to their families to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday like it was originally celebrated: with the spreading of potentially lethal infectious diseases.  “Lately I’ve been trying to become more in Read More