The Next Sigmund Freud? This Psychology Student Wants to Fuck His Mom!

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Thought you were a special student? Think again! After years of studying psychology, Francis Elkhart ‘21 is making a name for himself as the next Sigmund Freud. His secret? He has an unrelenting desire to fuck his mother! No other psychology student has anything close to Francis’s gift Read More

Crisis Averted! Almighty Student Assembly Obliterates ILR-HumEc Merger with Sternly-Worded Resolution

Alice Song / Sun Staff Photographer

Dropping the cold hammer of institutional justice, the Student Assembly smote the unpopular ILR-Human Ecology merger this past week by passing an entirely symbolic Resolution. Whoopee! via GIPHY The all-powerful protectors of the student body convened Wednesday and, with the ruthless efficiency we’ve come to expect from the SA, struck Read More

Travel Alert! Students Unable to Make It From Bed to Class After Break

After the glorious week away from class provided by Spring Break, many students are still struggling with their various trips to campus all the way from their dorm rooms or apartments. “There are just so many legs to the journey,” mumbled sophomore Genevieve Perreine through two blankets and a pillow. Read More

Heartwarming: When This Student In a Wheelchair Felt Left Out, These Brothers Helped Him Do a Keg Stand!

Adapting to College life can be tough for everyone, but imagine how hard it is for those of us facing physical disabilities. All of the social anxieties felt by being thrown into a new setting with dozens of people you’ve never met before get heightened by the palpable impairment that Read More

Wow-ee! Archies May Have Gone Overboard On Dragon’s Giant, Vascular Dick

RAND HALL—First-year Archies wow us annually with a reptilian masterpiece worthy of the MoMA, but this year’s dragon is breathtaking in more ways than one. Mamma mia, look at that Bavarian Beefstick! That’s right! Our 2018 dragon is packing a real crowd-pleaser. The 100-ft long creature features a huge, stinky, Read More

Standing Up to Gun Violence: This Student Hasn’t Attended His 10am Since January

Long before today’s national school walkout was announced, David Wu ‘19 knew he wouldn’t be attending his 10am. That’s because, while other students may have left their classes for just one day to protest gun violence, he hasn’t even stepped in his psychology lecture since the first week of classes. Read More

Game Changer: Bus Stop Bagels Achieves Perfect Bagel to Bus Stop Ratio

Cornell Dining continues to tower above the rest, as evidenced by their most recent feat. Bus Stop Bagels, located in Kennedy Hall, has done what no other eatery has managed to do: achieve the most exquisite bagel to bus stop ratio. Good job, Bus Stop Bagels! That’s quite a schmear!  Read More