Major Bombshell: Declassified Memo Reveals That Chad Isn’t Asking You To Formal

Last Friday saw the release of a highly anticipated, recently declassified IFC memo that is already sending shockwaves through the Greek system’s major houses. Despite all signs indicating that he was going to take you to formal, this memo—meticulously cultivated from over 600 messages ranging from pledge class GroupMes to Read More

Amber Alert! Big Breaking Into Little’s Room Interrupts Masturbating Roommate

BALCH HALL—Listen up, all you hokey pokey players: if you think you can paddle the pink canoe while your roommate’s in class, think again! When Amber of Theta Sigma sorority broke into the dorm to decorate, she found her little’s roommate furiously auditioning the finger puppets. Yikes! Each was disappointed Read More

Celebrate Black History Month at Cornell with Your Favorite Black Friends

It’s February, so that means it’s time to celebrate Black History Month! We all know about Martin Luther King Jr. and Harriet Tubman, so let’s take this opportunity to reflect on all of the meaningful connections you have made with your black friends, emphasis on the “s!”  What a good Read More

Liberal Slant? This Entire School Is About Labor

Colleges are meant to be bastions of free speech, teaching young adults how to think for themselves. Unfortunately, today’s colleges fall far from the mark. Whether it’s professors spouting opinion as fact, or the violent campus protests, it’s obvious that these so-called ‘glands of diverse thinking’ are culpable of silencing Read More

21 FWS Names I’m Ashamed To Have On My Transcript

1) FWS: Let’s Play — I got a C- in Yahtzee. 2) FWS: Modern Romance: Dating and Relationships Among Young Adults — “Hot tip,” said my sixty-year-old professor, “say, ‘Hiya toots!’ by the jukebox, and y be doing the jitterbug in no time.” 3) FWS: Talk. Writing is for Pussies Read More

Prank Gone Wrong? All Of The IUDs At Cornell Health Have Been Replaced With Rick-Roll Buzzers

Photo from the Cornell Daily Sun Most people love a good old-fashioned prank, but this might be taking it a bit far. Cornell Health staff and patients have recently discovered that some devious little pranksters replaced all the IUDs with Rick-Roll Buzzers! “I had just gone to Cornell Health to Read More