Red alert to all milk-lovers out there! If you thought you and your milk were safe, think again. Big Betty, Cornell Dairy’s most reliable and easy-flowing cow, has gone rogue, and she’s coming to steal all her milk back! That’s right. Last last night, in one of Cornell Dairy’s most historic security breaches to…
People from Donlon are more likely to have more than one penis 17% of the class doesn’t think Morrill Hall Exists 37% of the class has woken up with a horse head in their bed. The other 63% better let us do the talkin’ 100% of the freshman class wants to fuck…
Many people hailed the University’s recent announcement that Psi Upsilon’s former fraternity house will be converted “into a building available for use by student organizations that promote diversity and inclusion.” Unfortunately, these people are missing the big picture: Cornell should instead make the house available only to me. While I understand that repurposing 2 Forest…
There are plenty of small town heroes to be found in Ithaca, but this long weekend, one really stood out from the crowd. Eric LaSorsa ‘18, a member of Sigma Psi Theta fraternity, has publicly stated that if somebody doesn’t want a drink anymore, he will proudly “slam that fucker down like it’s nobody’s business.”…
Provost Michael Kotlikoff announced last week the approval of the modified 2018–2019 academic calendar. Here are some changes to look forward to: Two more days of O-Week to figure out where your classes are, get your books, and tuck yourself into bed at 9:30 PM every night, am I right? No one liked starting classes…
Don’t you hate when all that drinking and lazing around in your dorm catch up to you? We’ve all been there! Well, lucky for you, we’ve got 9 ways to break it to your parents that your education is gonna take a little longer than expected. 1. Change your nickname in the family group chat…
Fall 2017 class roster too peachy for you? Check out these classes that offer a more realist educational experience to better prepare you for the crummy world out there. GOVT 1830: Intro to Sex Scandal Relations AEM 1200: Using Cocaine to Optimize Day-Trading RUSSA 1340: Mail-Order Brides MUSIC 1390: Encoding Satanic Messages in Your Records…
Well this is surely one for the books, and just one more reason why we at Cornell should be proud of the imaginative and resourceful student body we go to school with. Everyone grumbles about tuition hikes, but this CS major took his fate in his own hands and set up a side business of…
The campus blackout was definitely unexpected, and for anyone who was in the middle of doing homework when their internet cut out, that absolutely sucks. But you have to admire the forethought that Allie Jacobson ‘19 put into her day when the power cut out and she didn’t lose any important documents on her computer…
Offended already? Well you better buckle up, because this ain’t your average, play-it-safe humor thinkpiece. We’re finally bringing it to you over-sensitive, politically-correct liberals – and you can’t hide from our First Amendment-delivered tirade of truth in your Tumblr posts and pinterest profiles. Where are your safe spaces now?? If you’re looking for some warm…
