Tag Archives: Cornell

I Understand That College Applications are Evaluated Holistically, But Can Someone Tell Me Whose Dick I Have To Suck To Get My Son Into Cornell?

Hey guys. I’m just a father trying to get my son into Cornell University, and yeah, I’ve heard the whole shpiel. “All applications are evaluated holistically…” and blah blah blah, but give me a break. What I really wanna know is, whose dick I have to suck to get my Read More

This Ithaca Barber Gave Me a Circumcision When I Asked for “a Bit Off the Top,” But He Did a Pretty Good Job

Ithaca barbers aren’t well known for their quality. I don’t know a single person who’s gotten a decent haircut anywhere close to campus. And I’m no exception, because when I asked a barber in Collegetown to take a bit off the top, he circumcised me. Now, normally, I would complain, Read More

Check Out The Student Assembly Seats That Are Up for Election This Fall!

Student Assembly elections start on September 26th! Do you know which SA positions are on the ballot this Fall? Take a look at the open seats here! Song Leader Slope Dude Director of SA Committee for Un-Cornellian Activities Mitt Romney Senior Soothsayer Dungeon Sweeper Master of Ceremonies Representative of Representatives Read More

Cornellians Do Not Respect My Conservative Values or My Star Wars Erotic Fan Fiction

Universities should facilitate the free exchange of ideas between all kinds of people. But often I find that the liberal bias on Cornell’s campus represses my ability to openly discuss my conservative viewpoints or the finer details of the dozens of volumes of Star Wars erotic fan fictions I’ve penned. Read More

Devastating: Mufasa Was Trampled to Death in a Stampede Of Freshman

Disaster struck Ithaca this Friday night, when it was reported that Mufasa, King of Pride Rock, passed away from injuries sustained after being trampled by dozens of drunk freshmen in Collegetown. In a statement yesterday, Ithaca Police stated that Mufasa was hunting for food for his family on College Ave Read More

We Asked Students Which is Worse: Keystone, PBR, or Being Waterboarded?

Cornell students are all used to pretty awful drinks, and everybody has tried the college basics by now. So we went around campus asking students which they thought was worse: Keystone Light, Pabst Blue Ribbon, or the ancient torture technique of waterboarding? Here’s what we found. Jordan Burnmauer ’17: Wha… Read More