Tag Archives: Cornell

Spooky! Everybody Who Had a Halloween Party this Weekend Were Also Dumb Enough to Post About It

BooOO! Halloween this year turned out to be one for the books. Never mind the ghastly costumes and unexpected frights; this holiday’s freakiest monsters were people so idiotic, they broke social distancing guidelines to go to a large party AND broadcast the whole thing on their Instagram stories! Scary! 

These spectres haunted Collegetown throughout the night, blaring loud music and recording blurry panning videos of their 20-plus-person-hangouts. These eerie stories sent shivers down the spines of unsuspecting students on social media, who were petrified at the brazen displays of bad decision-making. Creepy!

The sight of Ivy League dolts bragging about their own stupid actions was too terrifying for words. How could anyone be idiotic enough to endanger the health of the broader campus community by hosting large gatherings and also so feeble-minded not to realize that literally anyone could record their Snapchats and get them in serious trouble?! Make it stop!

At least these modern-day ghouls let everyone know who they were so that they could be thoroughly avoided for the next 8-14 days. Talk about a silver lining! 

Read This List of What the Mottos of Each School and College Should Be

Everyone knows the words with which Ezra Cornell started his eponymous university: “I would found an institution where any person can find instruction in any study.” But that doesn’t tell you what to expect in those studies, now does it? So, here is our list of what the defining statement for each and every Cornell College and School should be:

 

Cornell University

I would build an institution into a cliff side despite there being acres of flat land just a mile away where any wealthy white person can find instruction in a buncha random ass studies taught by some poor sons of bitches we tricked into coming to the farmland of New York to teach.

Undergraduate:

College of Agricultural and Life Sciences (CALS)
You’re gonna want to really breathe in that elephant poop.
College of Architecture, Art, and Planning (AAP)
Our students, and our drugs, grow the best under 24/7 fluorescent lights.
College of Arts and Sciences (CAS)
Proving over 8 semesters that romance studies won’t get you laid.
College of Engineering (CoE)
A well-balanced lifestyle, like Newton’s Law of Force Pairs, comes last.
College of Human Ecology (CHE)
Let’s talk about sex, ba-by!
Dyson School of Applied Economics and Management (AEM)
#10 in undergraduate business programs, #1 if you don’t count the first 9, those pussies.
School of Computing and Information Sciences (CIS)
We have imbibed the sacred chalice of liquid crystal display, and soon we shall all ascend.
School of Hotel Administration (SHA)
Majoring in minoring in real estate studies.

School of Industrial and Labor Relations (ILR)

Where no one goes into Industry, no one cares about Labor, and everyone else hates you.
School of Public Policy
The academic equivalent of the ugly red headed step child of the off spring of a rented mule and a beaten sore thumb.

Graduate:

SC Johnson Graduate School of Management (JGSM)
Premier corporate business studies in a backwoods rural farming community (we swear).
Cornell Law School (LAW)
Lawyers, in the bitchiest sense.
College of Veterinary Medicine (VET)
Let me take those Pomeranian balls off your hands.
Cornell Graduate Studies (GRAD)
Guaranteeing you’re the only person who HAS to go to optional discussion section…dumbass.
Weill Cornell College of Medicine (WEILL)
Your one and only chance to fondle cadaver boobs before it becomes socially frowned upon.

 

Erudite Scholar! This Engineer Actually Does The Optional Textbook Reading

ZOOM—Obnoxiously trying to broaden his horizons and get the most out of his short time at Cornell, sophomore Alex Latell ‘23 is willing to go above and beyond the call of duty to understand Data Structures. 

“When I asked my friends their thoughts on last week’s optional reading, they originally looked at me like I grew two heads,” said Latell as he happily flashed the cover of his latest foray into understanding the human condition, Infinite Jest. “But after I elucidated to them the importance of furthering one’s intellectual horizons through devout dedication to one’s classes, they assured me they too would strive to study the optional readings.”

Emboldened by his growing brain, Latell even volunteered to lead his recitation session to the abject horror of his professor. “While I love to see students engage with the material, Mr. Latell has taken it a bit far,” said Professor Altman as he joyously moved Latell’s line-by-line commentary to the trash. “These readings are supposed to be for fun about topics that interest you, not more homework.”

Despite spending more time on the class than the rest of his friend group, Latell somehow received the worst grade on his prelim. He maintains that he was “surprised” none of the optional readings were on the prelim, but he would remain committed to “expanding his ever growing mental encyclopedia of non-essential knowledge.”

Social Distancing Win? I Got Lost

While on a trek to Nasties for a 1:00 a.m. meatball sub, I suddenly realized that I was in what seemed to be a large forest. There wasn’t a soul in sight. You know what that means—I can let down my mask and breathe in the crisp fall air! No risk of COVID-19 transmission here!

Just me, myself, and I, as well as something that may have been a mountain lion. Or maybe it was a coyote? Either way, it wasn’t wearing a mask but was greater than six feet away, so I think that’s probably okay. Besides, it wasn’t coughing or anything, but boy can it growl!

Wait, do we even have mountain lions in Ithaca? Aren’t those more of a mountain thing? Am I in Vermont? I sure hope so, because they have the lowest number of cases per 100,000 residents of any state in the USA!

My phone died a while ago, so I can’t check Google Maps or anything—and more importantly, I can’t complete my Daily Check. Hopefully Cayuga Medical will understand that I’m practicing a more effective form of virus protection: walking so far into the countryside that I haven’t seen any lights in at least an hour.

If we all took such simple measures as venturing an unknown distance into a vast wilderness in the night, I bet we’d knock out the coronavirus in a jiffy. Health goals! I am getting very cold!

No Sex on Thursday: My Mom and I Watched Them Pick the Wrong House on House Hunters International And Then I Went to Bed at 9PM

By Miley Mortgage

I know you sexually frustrated quarintiners probably want me to tell you some empowering story about me letting go of my insecurities while getting my pussy stuffed by three strangers in the clocktower. Maybe you’d like to read a feel-good tale of how I finally taught Jake the difference between the urethra and the clitoris. But this week, all I have is a very unerotic story about a completely mundane weeknight where I lounged on the couch in sweatpants and watched HGTV with my mom.

To be clear, there will be absolutely nothing sensual, salacious, or even mildly titillating in this article henceforth. No one would blame you for turning around at this point.

With that disclaimer out of the way let me just tell you something: These people on House Hunters International had NO BUSINESS moving to Prague whatsoever. First of all, only one of them had a job (he was a footwear model), and neither of them spoke any Czech. That might be an issue don’t you think? Also, this guy was dead set on living out in the country, while she refused to even consider a property outside the city center. Why didn’t they decide on that before they went on the show?! At the same time, they had this enormous wish list of items and a budget of only €250 per month. I definitely don’t think they needed three bedrooms or a personal office space. Then, when the realtor would show them properties they could actually afford that didn’t have some of the things they were asking for, they had the audacity to get mad at her. Madness!

I tried raising some of these concerns to my mom, but she wasn’t paying attention because she was on her phone sending me pinterest posts of “fun diy crafts” we should “totally make together” during isolation.

Finally the episode was about to end. They were about to choose between three properties: 1) The downtown studio that was over their budget and located directly over a noisy nightclub with no working washer and dryer 2) The fully finished suburban loft in their price range with two bedrooms and an outdoor patio space located minutes from the train station (obviously the correct choice) 3) The over budget fixer-upper 35 minutes from town with three bedrooms but no central heating system. The morons went with number three. 

Right after the couple made their questionable selection, the show fast forwarded to six months later, after they had already moved in. Unsurprisingly, there were still renovations going on. I guess the extra bedroom wasn’t such a bad idea after all though, because they had added a roommate up into the mix. The guy’s parents had moved in with them, which given current events probably didn’t turn out too well for him.

After the show was over, I downed a whole bottle of wine and promptly passed out in my bed at 9pm. This is the end of the article.

Five Methods to Avoid Touching Your Face While Sobbing

The recent announcement from the Cornell administration has hit the student body hard—but even when grieving, it is important for us to follow the CDC guidelines on avoiding the spread of COVID-19! Wondering how to wipe your leaking eyes while being careful to keep your hands from touching your face? We have some effective, no-mess tips for you!

  1. Place a vacuum near your face. A great zero-contact approach! When you’re getting emotional, hold a dust-buster or vacuum cleaner—the more powerful, the better—directly in front of your face. This will suck all of the liquid into its basin, making for a neatly contained, totally hands-free approach to crying!
  2. Use a grabbing device to hold a tissue to your face from afar. With this method, you have some control over your face-wiping movements. Many devices will do; although tongs are popular, we recommend sticking your tissue on a longer device such as a fire poker to maximize the distance between your fingers and nose. You’ll be cleaned up in no time—just watch out for your eyeball!
  3. Tape a tissue to the wall. An old classic! If you feel tears welling up, pull out some tissues and Scotch tape and stick them up on the nearest wall. When needed, smush your face against paper, being sure to transfer all of your bodily fluids. Quick and easy, with no hand-to-face contact required!
  4. Severely dehydrate yourself. While the other methods listed are treatments, this is more of a preventative measure. The basic rationale behind this one: you can’t cry if you’re so dehydrated that your body must devote its whole water budget to keeping your most basic functions up and running! We suggest not drinking for 36 hours, although if you want to reduce that time and have some fun, you could also get absolutely shitfaced. Health win!
  5. Cry over a bucket. This is often the ideal approach because there’s no contact required at all! Try lying on your bed with your head hanging over the side. Place a bucket beneath your head so that when you begin sobbing, the vessel will neatly collect your snot and tears. If you’re in a public place (not recommended), a toilet will also suffice. The WHO will be proud!

Doing Her Part: Student Who Doesn’t Want Biden To Be Nominee Almost Gets Around To Requesting Absentee Ballot

While some students may not care enough to engage in politics, Maya Pappas ’21 decided to fight for the country’s future by thinking about looking up how to get an absentee ballot sent to Ithaca.

“I’m no hero,” said the champion of democracy. “It’s just so obvious to me that Biden’s visibly deteriorating mental state and uninspiring civility-oriented pitch will make him all too easy for Trump to beat. I have a responsibility to tell myself I’ll figure out how to vote, before ultimately neglecting to do so.”

What an inspiration! As you’d expect, none of Maya’s friend’s were surprised at her brave probably upcoming stand. “She’s always the one to talk about politics and how terrible it would be if Biden won the primary,” said her friend Chris O’Shaughnessy ’21. “Of course she was the one who came the closest of any of us to voting.”

And don’t think this is the end of Maya’s activism: she already has big plans to complain a lot about how Biden managed to win the nomination with almost no support from young people after the primary is over.

How To Justify To Marie Kondo That Empty Alcohol Bottles Bring You Joy

It might feel like Ithaca winter will drag on forever, but spring cleaning time will be here before you know it. And who better to consult for advice than Marie Kondo, author of the best-selling “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up” and star of her eponymous Netflix series?

So here’s the dealio – Marie’s method tells us to reflect on each of our belongings (yes, even your crusty old mouthguard) and keep them only if they spark joy.

You might be tempted to toss that economics textbook, but remember: the textbook helps you pass the class, which helps you graduate with a degree in Finance, which will score you a cushy Wall Street job. And money sure brings you joy!

A way tougher conundrum comes in the form of those empty bottles of Svedka lining the top of your kitchen cabinets. Sure, knocking back a cold one brings you all sorts of joy, but Mrs. Kondo might insist that you thank the bottle for its service and discard it, now that it’s outlived its usefulness.

Not so fast! You’ve got a strong claim that those bottles are still presently bringing you joy.  They’re a reminder of a happier, simpler time, like last Thursday, when you downed a magnum bottle of Barefoot White Zinfandel by yourself in the dark because you got your fourth job rejection in a week. These bottles show you’re chill! You can hang! You’re one of the bros!

Sure, your mom might cry every time she walks into your dingy Collegetown apartment because her “worst fears have been realized” and you’re “turning out just like your father,” but think of how informational your collection is! Move over, FiveThirtyEight, this is a real-life infographic of all the fun you’ve had.

Armed with these arguments, you are prepared to stand up to Marie Kondo for your right to amass years of party remnants for all to see. Although, you could probably just avoid all of this conflict in the first place by passing on spring cleaning this go-around.

Get Ready Uncle Gary: Area Student Planning to Deliver Coming Out Speech Right Before Your Thanksgiving Prayer

LONG ISLAND—Local student Colin Roban ’22 is reportedly preparing to inform his family that he is gay during the annual Thanksgiving dinner held at the home of his aunt and uncle, Susan and Gary Gates.

Having explored and confirmed his sexuality while at Cornell, Roban expressed that he felt it was important to announce his sexual orientation to his loved ones. The emotional coming out could be made all the more difficult given its close proximity to Uncle Gary’s scheduled Thanksgiving prayer, the annual tirade renowned for its off-color social commentary and vehement support of ultra-conservative values.  

Informed of her nephew’s intentions beforehand, Aunt Susan lamented “Oh dear God, I read over Gary’s prayer script last night and he has a whole lot of questionable Mayor Pete content in there. This’ll be more uncomfortable than last year when he recited the entire Constitution in his prayer after Colin’s sister mentioned Bernie Sanders.” 

According to Mr. Gates, “My annual Thanksgiving prayer is a show of commitment to my three chief amigos- Jesus Christ, Rush Limbaugh, and Donald Trump. Each fall, when the kids come back home from the Snowflake Academy, it’s up to me to make sure they hear the unfiltered lib-free truth for once.” 

As of press time, Aunt Susan was seen frantically stirring street ketamine into Mr. Gates’ drink after learning that Roban would be bringing his boyfriend of four months to the dinner. 

 

How To Tell If That Cool Girl In Your FWS Is Actually Cool Or Has Internalized Affectations Of The “Cool Girl” Role Due To Societal Pressures

It’s true – that girl in MEDVL 1101: Young Idiots vs. Toxic Elders with you seems really cool. But is she actually cool, or is she just an angsty little ball of insecurity desperately yearning to be perceived as cool because she never got over her lack of friends in middle school? Here’s how you can tell the difference!

 

1.

She might seem busy when she swifty yet confidently flicks through her many notifications – but what if her phone isn’t buzzing with group chats, just duolingo reminders and twitter trends?

In order to discern if she’s feigning digital popularity, research if she’s constantly being bombarded by messaging that tells her that her worth and likeability are inexorably linked.

 

2.

Is she being honest, you wonder, when after making an insightful remark in class she leans over and conspiratorial whispers to you that she never did the reading?

This one’s simple! Just find out if her mother unintentionally reinforced the expectation that women be effortless in their intelligence and self-deprecating towards their accomplishments, and you have your answer.

 

3.

Fuck! Her confession that she felt isolated during her first month at Cornell but found a community she loves in a niche social activism group on campus only makes her cooler. Is she being real with you, or has she learned that slight vulnerability will disarm people who have been raised to be suspicious of and intimidated by self-confident women?

There’s an easy trick to tell! Just find out if she might have been subject to repeated social punishments for unabashed confidence from a young age!

 

4.

Her messy lob appears to be a product of her refusal to align with traditional standards of femininity, but she also could have seen a photo of Cara Delivigne and thought it would make her appear carefree and low-maintenance. Which was her influence? Are her bed-head waves the product of a few lazy squirts of a sea-salt spray or a daily 45-minute hair-curling routine?

Just think – has she, from a young age, internalized expectations about how women should always look effortlessly beautiful? Did she read YA fiction as a teen? Has she seen more than 5 movies made in the last 126 years? Does she know what a TV is? This should give you the insights you need!

 

Hopefully by now you’ve figured out whether the cool girl effortlessly displays the set of incidentally consumerist and deferential traits that fit the media’s stereotype of a cool girl independent from any social pressures! Now, you can go back to figuring out if the vocal Republican in the class really is “solidly middle-class” like he claims.