QUIZ: Match The Third-Party Candidate With His or Her Policy! November 8, 2016Uncategorized2016, Election, President, Quiz, Third Party, Votemattlinden Most people know Gary Johnson is the candidate for the Libertarian party in this election. But, which of these policies is his? (AP Photo/Rick Bowmer, File) Stricter term limits to allow politicians to focus more on issues and less on re-election Abolition of names of places that are hard to remember Government subsidized lessons in miming being stuck in a box (pictured above) Demands a recasting of the production of “Chicago” that he auditioned for but was not cast in (pictured above) Just really wants a high five (pictured above) Just really wants a little smoochie-poo (pictured above) Jill Stein is the 2016 Green Party Candidate, and she has some interesting policies. Do you know which one is hers? A transition to 100% green power by 2030. A transition to 100% white power by 2030. A transition to 100% rating of “An Inconvenient Truth” on Rotten Tomatoes by Friday. A continuation of 100% real juice in Juicy Juice. An adjustment from 96% to 100% on her fourth grade spelling test when she misspelled “color” but did it the British way, so it’s still kind of right. A transition to 100% attendance when she throws a birthday party. For once. Okay, enough with the easy ones. This is Vermin Supreme. He has run for president three times and is a favorite write-in candidate in his fourth attempt. Which of these policies is his? By Craig from Manchester Wants to build a wall…to keep the Americans in. Advocates a law that would require all Americans to brush their teeth. Is currently demanding a formal apology for the last episode of “How I Met Your Mother.” Requires all radio stations to play “Careless Whisper” by George Michael at least once every two hours because it is “my favorite song.” Wants to build a wall…through the middle of Berlin. Wants to build a wall…because some people put butter on the underside of bread. If you haven’t already, meet Pogo Mochello Allen-Reese. According to the San Antonio Current, this former stripper now calls himself a “Slave of Jesus.” Do you know which policy is his? Despite living in San Antonio, believes immigration numbers are “heavily exaggerated” because he “hasn’t met that many of them.” Believes Benghazi hearings should be re-opened despite identifying Benghazi as “the man who did that awful thing” Advocates a relocation of Oprah’s headquarters to his hometown of San Antonio to stimulate the local economy Wants to make “messing with Texas” a fine-able offense. He defines the crime as, “talking sh** about us and all that.” Desires to change the American flag to the picture from his Facebook profile (pictured above). This is James “Jim” Hedges, a third-party candidate interested in bringing back an old American tradition. What is his main policy point? Is supporting a re-opening of the Ellis Island facility and requiring all immigrants to register there Wants to see the 22th amendment repealed so that presidents can serve more than 2 terms (Hedges wants a ten term cap) Believes that the 22nd Amendment should be repealed to re-institute Prohibition. Hopes to require Gary Johnson to get better at miming. Advocates for a return to traditional American values regarding neck beards. Donald Sauter is running as a Unarchy Party candidate. What does that mean? Believes that the only law should be the Golden Rule. Believes that the only law should be what he calls “The Law of the Jungle,” although he has never defined this. Believes that the voting system from the TV show “Survivor,” with the president presiding over the meeting would be a “people’s replacement” for the Supreme Court. Believes that the only law should be the vigilante justice of the Batman. Believes the only thing we have to law is law itself. Believes that we should not ask our country what the law is but ask the law what the country is. He DOES believe in fairies! He DOES! You may not have heard of him, but Donald J. Trump is really making waves in this year’s election. He’s a former reality TV star, but he’s got a lot of opinions, so let’s see if you can spot them all! Believes the way to keep illegal immigrants out of the US is the same as the way to keep Wildlings out of Westeros. Supports Russian access to American digital data, apparently as a sign of goodwill. Extols self as an expert on locker rooms, despite not realizing that they are not sanctuaries where misogyny is magically okay. Advocates an adjustment to the definition of the word “small” to mean “huge” when used in regard to monetary borrowing. Seeks to lead by example to achieve the reduction of the adjectives in the English language to “huge,” “tremendous,” and “disaster.” Hopes to make comparisons between his skin tone and Garfield’s punishable by death. “Based on his miming, Gary Johnson is a loooooserrr.” Excited to laugh at you when you vote for one of the other people in this quiz or take the ridiculousness of this election as a reason to not vote because he knows exactly who that benefits. Loading …
