Standing Up to Gun Violence: This Student Hasn’t Attended His 10am Since January

Long before today’s national school walkout was announced, David Wu ‘19 knew he wouldn’t be attending his 10am. That’s because, while other students may have left their classes for just one day to protest gun violence, he hasn’t even stepped in his psychology lecture since the first week of classes. Read More

Game Changer: Bus Stop Bagels Achieves Perfect Bagel to Bus Stop Ratio

Cornell Dining continues to tower above the rest, as evidenced by their most recent feat. Bus Stop Bagels, located in Kennedy Hall, has done what no other eatery has managed to do: achieve the most exquisite bagel to bus stop ratio. Good job, Bus Stop Bagels! That’s quite a schmear!  Read More

Major Bombshell: Declassified Memo Reveals That Chad Isn’t Asking You To Formal

Last Friday saw the release of a highly anticipated, recently declassified IFC memo that is already sending shockwaves through the Greek system’s major houses. Despite all signs indicating that he was going to take you to formal, this memo—meticulously cultivated from over 600 messages ranging from pledge class GroupMes to Read More

Amber Alert! Big Breaking Into Little’s Room Interrupts Masturbating Roommate

BALCH HALL—Listen up, all you hokey pokey players: if you think you can paddle the pink canoe while your roommate’s in class, think again! When Amber of Theta Sigma sorority broke into the dorm to decorate, she found her little’s roommate furiously auditioning the finger puppets. Yikes! Each was disappointed Read More

Celebrate Black History Month at Cornell with Your Favorite Black Friends

It’s February, so that means it’s time to celebrate Black History Month! We all know about Martin Luther King Jr. and Harriet Tubman, so let’s take this opportunity to reflect on all of the meaningful connections you have made with your black friends, emphasis on the “s!”  What a good Read More

Liberal Slant? This Entire School Is About Labor

Colleges are meant to be bastions of free speech, teaching young adults how to think for themselves. Unfortunately, today’s colleges fall far from the mark. Whether it’s professors spouting opinion as fact, or the violent campus protests, it’s obvious that these so-called ‘glands of diverse thinking’ are culpable of silencing Read More

21 FWS Names I’m Ashamed To Have On My Transcript

1) FWS: Let’s Play — I got a C- in Yahtzee. 2) FWS: Modern Romance: Dating and Relationships Among Young Adults — “Hot tip,” said my sixty-year-old professor, “say, ‘Hiya toots!’ by the jukebox, and y be doing the jitterbug in no time.” 3) FWS: Talk. Writing is for Pussies Read More