I LIVED IT: I Swiped Up On Spotify While Clearing My Apps and Had To Live With The Unbearable Pain of My Unadulterated Thoughts for 5 Seconds
URIS LIBRARY–Amidst the grueling labor of writing the final essay for one of his classes,…
I LIVED IT: I Swiped Up On Spotify While Clearing My Apps and Had To Live With The Unbearable Pain of My Unadulterated Thoughts for 5 Seconds
URIS LIBRARY–Amidst the grueling labor of writing the final essay for one of his classes, Jason Bradley ‘25 had what he thought was a stroke of genius. To distract himself from his lack of progress in the past hour, he decided to put his precious time to good use by decluttering apps on his phone…
Ah Shit: Weird Roommate Staring At You While Brushing Their Teeth Again
Fuck, he’s doing it again, isn’t he? Dammit. For the third time this week, your weird roommate, Oliver Perkins, is staring directly at you from across the room while brushing his teeth. What the hell is his deal? You accidentally make eye contact for a moment before swiftly averting your gaze. There’s not even a…
Godspeed, Loyal Friend! Most Steadfast Donkey Collapses on Arduous Journey Up College Ave
Alack! Alack! It is with great sorrow I must announce mine truest donkey hath passed into the angels’ realm while traversing that treacherous expanse, Collegiate Avenue. Alas, poor Bartholomew! For many years he hath been mine dearest companion and closest confidante, far surpassing my wretched wife Dorothea. His gentle brays and unfailing nature hath brought…
False Advertising? Farmers at Farmers’ Market Not Available for Purchase
Like many Cornellians, I enjoy a home-cooked meal but can feel uncomfortable about where my ingredients originate. Sure, the big displays at Aldi and Wegmans are cornucopias spilling with fresh produce, but where did they come from and how did they get here? While pondering these questions on a drive to the latter, my eyes…
Day of Atonement Fail! Student Still Business Major
Oy gevalt! Jacob Schleiss ‘25 disappointed nice Jewish girls everywhere today by confirming that despite undergoing a 25-hour period of intense prayer, fasting, and repentance, he has no plans to abandon his study of business administration. Way to miss the point, Jacob! In what is already being described as the biggest Judaism-related fuck-up since the…
Oopsie! I Drank the Olin Library Water and Now I Glow in the Dark
After hitting a personal low in Olin Library (crying in the stacks for 3 straight hours), I decided to treat myself to some delicious, refreshing, and free water from the lovely little fountain in the basement. I figured through sheer willpower alone, I could evade the inevitable disease that was indicated by the blaring red…
“I’ll Totally Be There!” and 5 Other Ways to Say “No” to Your Friend’s A Capella Concert
KLARMAN HALL— With the upcoming onslaught of finals and never-ending last minute assignments, when your friend hits you with “My a capella group is having a concert this weekend, you’re definitely coming through, right?” the most immediate and resounding internal response is a shrieking, guttural “Dear God, no.” So how do you, unsuspecting and innocent,…
Aww! Three Generations of Cornellians Come Together to Psychologically Abuse the Shit out of BU Hockey Team
Nothing says Thanksgiving like joining friends, parents, and grandparents for a wholesome night of pure, unfiltered bullying! This evening Lynah Faithful will flock to Madison Square Garden to inflict permanent psychological damage upon the Boston University hockey team—a demonstration of the Cornell community’s admirable closeness and warmth. “I look forward to bringing my family every…
“Why Are You Drinking a Glass of Milk at a Party?” and Five Other Questions for the Guy Drinking a Glass of Milk at a Party
You know the situation. It’s Friday night and you’re on your shit, really vibing after a stressful week. The rest of the room is right there with you, alcoholic beverage in hand as they let the worries of the real world melt away. Everyone seems to be unified in action and intent. Well, almost everyone….