Read This Harrowing Tale: One Girl’s Quest Through the Terrace Burrito Line

Panda Express

I might’nt e’er forget the events that transpired on that Godforsaken Orange Chicken Wednesday for as long as Orion’s belt should remain fastened. Before sophomore year, I’d been a mere fawn, far too weak, too feeble-minded; I daredn’t embark on a journey that had vanquished so many before me in Read More

Feminist Win! “Daddy Better Make Me Choke” Will Be Screamed Within Spitting Distance Of Ezra Cornell’s Grave

In a historic accomplishment for women everywhere, lyrics from Cupcakke’s hit single “Deepthroat” will be blared through massive speakers just a stone’s throw away from the decaying corpse of Ezra Cornell. MAJOR Victory! Who could predict that after only 150 years since the Quaker-turned-carpenter founded Cornell, Ezra’s cold, dead body Read More

Mental Health Win! Cornell Adds Three More Counselors To Serve Population of 23,000

After years of complaints, it looks like Cornell may finally be listening to the student body. Today the university announced they will be adding not one, not even two, but THREE full-time counselors for Cornell’s 23,000 undergraduate, graduate, and professional students! These aren’t just any counselors they’re hiring, either. All Read More