Travel Alert! Students Unable to Make It From Bed to Class After Break

After the glorious week away from class provided by Spring Break, many students are still struggling with their various trips to campus all the way from their dorm rooms or apartments. “There are just so many legs to the journey,” mumbled sophomore Genevieve Perreine through two blankets and a pillow. Read More

Heartwarming: When This Student In a Wheelchair Felt Left Out, These Brothers Helped Him Do a Keg Stand!

Adapting to College life can be tough for everyone, but imagine how hard it is for those of us facing physical disabilities. All of the social anxieties felt by being thrown into a new setting with dozens of people you’ve never met before get heightened by the palpable impairment that Read More

Wow-ee! Archies May Have Gone Overboard On Dragon’s Giant, Vascular Dick

RAND HALL—First-year Archies wow us annually with a reptilian masterpiece worthy of the MoMA, but this year’s dragon is breathtaking in more ways than one. Mamma mia, look at that Bavarian Beefstick! That’s right! Our 2018 dragon is packing a real crowd-pleaser. The 100-ft long creature features a huge, stinky, Read More

Standing Up to Gun Violence: This Student Hasn’t Attended His 10am Since January

Long before today’s national school walkout was announced, David Wu ‘19 knew he wouldn’t be attending his 10am. That’s because, while other students may have left their classes for just one day to protest gun violence, he hasn’t even stepped in his psychology lecture since the first week of classes. Read More

Game Changer: Bus Stop Bagels Achieves Perfect Bagel to Bus Stop Ratio

Cornell Dining continues to tower above the rest, as evidenced by their most recent feat. Bus Stop Bagels, located in Kennedy Hall, has done what no other eatery has managed to do: achieve the most exquisite bagel to bus stop ratio. Good job, Bus Stop Bagels! That’s quite a schmear!  Read More

Major Bombshell: Declassified Memo Reveals That Chad Isn’t Asking You To Formal

Last Friday saw the release of a highly anticipated, recently declassified IFC memo that is already sending shockwaves through the Greek system’s major houses. Despite all signs indicating that he was going to take you to formal, this memo—meticulously cultivated from over 600 messages ranging from pledge class GroupMes to Read More

Amber Alert! Big Breaking Into Little’s Room Interrupts Masturbating Roommate

BALCH HALL—Listen up, all you hokey pokey players: if you think you can paddle the pink canoe while your roommate’s in class, think again! When Amber of Theta Sigma sorority broke into the dorm to decorate, she found her little’s roommate furiously auditioning the finger puppets. Yikes! Each was disappointed Read More

Celebrate Black History Month at Cornell with Your Favorite Black Friends

It’s February, so that means it’s time to celebrate Black History Month! We all know about Martin Luther King Jr. and Harriet Tubman, so let’s take this opportunity to reflect on all of the meaningful connections you have made with your black friends, emphasis on the “s!”  What a good Read More