Happy Thanksgiving! Thousands of Disease-Ridden Students Sent Home to Families In True Colonizer Spirit

In light of the growing number of COVID cases and the approaching holiday season, hoards of infected students have returned home to their families to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday like it was originally celebrated: with the spreading of potentially lethal infectious diseases.  “Lately I’ve been trying to become more in Read More

Concerning! Student Pours Heart Out to Cornell Subreddit Instead of Seeking Counsel From People Who Are Not Maladjusted Internet Strangers

Yikes! Struggling student CornellThrowaway75 just posted a several-paragraph long rant and emotional plea for help on the Cornell subreddit. Oh no! What does he expect from them! In the post, the troubled Redditor sought out advice from the eclectic strangers of r/Cornell. He cited worries about a virtual semester, his Read More

Spooky! Everybody Who Had a Halloween Party this Weekend Were Also Dumb Enough to Post About It

BooOO! Halloween this year turned out to be one for the books. Never mind the ghastly costumes and unexpected frights; this holiday’s freakiest monsters were people so idiotic, they broke social distancing guidelines to go to a large party AND broadcast the whole thing on their Instagram stories! Scary!  These Read More

Read This List of What the Mottos of Each School and College Should Be

Everyone knows the words with which Ezra Cornell started his eponymous university: “I would found an institution where any person can find instruction in any study.” But that doesn’t tell you what to expect in those studies, now does it? So, here is our list of what the defining statement Read More

Erudite Scholar! This Engineer Actually Does The Optional Textbook Reading

ZOOM—Obnoxiously trying to broaden his horizons and get the most out of his short time at Cornell, sophomore Alex Latell ‘23 is willing to go above and beyond the call of duty to understand Data Structures.  “When I asked my friends their thoughts on last week’s optional reading, they originally Read More

Inspiring! Engineering Student Passionate About Helping People Will Be A War Criminal in 7 Years

While engineering students across campus prepared their pitches for upcoming career fairs and other recruitment events, mechanical engineering student and future perpetrator of genocide Kayla Chen ‘22 couldn’t wait to tell recruiters about her passion for “helping others” and “doing what’s right.” Talk about a Girl Boss! “There’s been so Read More

Activism Queen? Area Student Begs For In-Person Fall In Heartfelt Facebook Post Before Attending Collegetown Darty

A number of students have expressed concern that the Fall 2020 semester may be virtual. However, local freedom fighter Madison Thorwart ‘21 went the extra mile, authoring a heartfelt Facebook post begging for an in-person fall semester prior to attending a 100-person Collegetown darty. Thorwart posted the following last Saturday Read More