Activism Queen? Area Student Begs For In-Person Fall In Heartfelt Facebook Post Before Attending Collegetown Darty

A number of students have expressed concern that the Fall 2020 semester may be virtual. However, local freedom fighter Madison Thorwart ‘21 went the extra mile, authoring a heartfelt Facebook post begging for an in-person fall semester prior to attending a 100-person Collegetown darty. Thorwart posted the following last Saturday Read More

No Sex on Thursday: My Mom and I Watched Them Pick the Wrong House on House Hunters International And Then I Went to Bed at 9PM

By Miley Mortgage I know you sexually frustrated quarintiners probably want me to tell you some empowering story about me letting go of my insecurities while getting my pussy stuffed by three strangers in the clocktower. Maybe you’d like to read a feel-good tale of how I finally taught Jake Read More

Bold! CUPB Assumes Hannibal Buress Funnier Over Zoom Than My Technologically Inept 86-Year-Old Economics Professor

This post is sponsored by CUPB! Cornell University Program Board is proud to (virtually) welcome Hannibal Buress, a cast member on Broad City and co-host on the Eric Andre Show. This FREE moderated and audience Q&A is only open to the Cornell Community on a first come, first serve basis. Read More

Five Methods to Avoid Touching Your Face While Sobbing

The recent announcement from the Cornell administration has hit the student body hard—but even when grieving, it is important for us to follow the CDC guidelines on avoiding the spread of COVID-19! Wondering how to wipe your leaking eyes while being careful to keep your hands from touching your face? Read More

Happy International Women’s Day! My Interviewer Asked Me A Sexist Question and I Still Got the Job!

Today is International Women’s Day. Better known as March 8th, today is a day on which we celebrate the many achievements of women around the world. As a woman, I have had several accomplishments that have made this day worth celebrating, but nothing takes the cake quite like getting a Read More

Doing Her Part: Student Who Doesn’t Want Biden To Be Nominee Almost Gets Around To Requesting Absentee Ballot

While some students may not care enough to engage in politics, Maya Pappas ’21 decided to fight for the country’s future by thinking about looking up how to get an absentee ballot sent to Ithaca. “I’m no hero,” said the champion of democracy. “It’s just so obvious to me that Read More

Modern Renaissance Man: This Linguistics Major Knows How to Say the Word “Gazebo” in 15 Languages

Cornell is known for its many bright students – Rhodes Scholars, Nobel Prize winners, Supreme Court justices, but few alumni are as intellectually well rounded as polyglot and linguistics major Jason Jimerson ‘21, who knows the word “gazebo” in 15 languages. “Learning new languages is my favorite hobby. I’ve dedicated Read More