Read This List of What the Mottos of Each School and College Should Be

Everyone knows the words with which Ezra Cornell started his eponymous university: “I would found an institution where any person can find instruction in any study.” But that doesn’t tell you what to expect in those studies, now does it? So, here is our list of what the defining statement Read More

Erudite Scholar! This Engineer Actually Does The Optional Textbook Reading

ZOOM—Obnoxiously trying to broaden his horizons and get the most out of his short time at Cornell, sophomore Alex Latell ‘23 is willing to go above and beyond the call of duty to understand Data Structures.  “When I asked my friends their thoughts on last week’s optional reading, they originally Read More

Inspiring! Engineering Student Passionate About Helping People Will Be A War Criminal in 7 Years

While engineering students across campus prepared their pitches for upcoming career fairs and other recruitment events, mechanical engineering student and future perpetrator of genocide Kayla Chen ‘22 couldn’t wait to tell recruiters about her passion for “helping others” and “doing what’s right.” Talk about a Girl Boss! “There’s been so Read More

Activism Queen? Area Student Begs For In-Person Fall In Heartfelt Facebook Post Before Attending Collegetown Darty

A number of students have expressed concern that the Fall 2020 semester may be virtual. However, local freedom fighter Madison Thorwart ‘21 went the extra mile, authoring a heartfelt Facebook post begging for an in-person fall semester prior to attending a 100-person Collegetown darty. Thorwart posted the following last Saturday Read More

No Sex on Thursday: My Mom and I Watched Them Pick the Wrong House on House Hunters International And Then I Went to Bed at 9PM

By Miley Mortgage I know you sexually frustrated quarintiners probably want me to tell you some empowering story about me letting go of my insecurities while getting my pussy stuffed by three strangers in the clocktower. Maybe you’d like to read a feel-good tale of how I finally taught Jake Read More

Bold! CUPB Assumes Hannibal Buress Funnier Over Zoom Than My Technologically Inept 86-Year-Old Economics Professor

This post is sponsored by CUPB! Cornell University Program Board is proud to (virtually) welcome Hannibal Buress, a cast member on Broad City and co-host on the Eric Andre Show. This FREE moderated and audience Q&A is only open to the Cornell Community on a first come, first serve basis. Read More

Five Methods to Avoid Touching Your Face While Sobbing

The recent announcement from the Cornell administration has hit the student body hard—but even when grieving, it is important for us to follow the CDC guidelines on avoiding the spread of COVID-19! Wondering how to wipe your leaking eyes while being careful to keep your hands from touching your face? Read More