Day of Atonement Fail! Student Still Business Major

Oy gevalt! Jacob Schleiss ‘25 disappointed nice Jewish girls everywhere today by confirming that despite undergoing a 25-hour period of intense prayer, fasting, and repentance, he has no plans to abandon his study of business administration. 

Way to miss the point, Jacob!

In what is already being described as the biggest Judaism-related fuck-up since the golden calf, Schleiss admitted that not once during Yom Kippur did he consider the impacts of a business career on the environment, the working class, or the 23-year-old mistress he will have a child with at age 47. He instead used the time to think about “how cool I’d look in a Goldman Sachs hat.” 

Moses’s Mittens, that’s embarrassing!

Despite his Yom Kippur epic fail, Schleiss still believes he will be inscribed into the Book of Days, because “in business, it’s all about who you know. And G-d and I are tight, baby. Like my pants after eating all this yummy Yom Kippur food.”

The Lord Adonai did not break His two thousand year silence to comment. 

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