Author Archives: Nooz Staff

Ten Zany Lines to Say at Your In-Person Icebreakers That Will Have Everyone Wishing They Could Go Back Into Quarantine

Hey, you! Yes, you, you nervous, wide-eyed, naive frosh! I bet you’re thinking right now about how you can impress your entire orientation group with a cool Icebreaker that’ll have the whole mandatory orientation group voluntarily nodding and laughing! Well, STOP thinking about that. Icebreakers are about one thing: survival. Read More

Finally! New “3-S” University Initiative Encourages Vaccinated Students To Spit, Stomp, and Shit On The Unvaccinated

DAY HALL—As more and more students have become fully vaccinated in the past weeks, President Martha Pollack announced earlier this morning a new university measure to encourage unvaccinated students to receive a COVID-19 shot. The initiative introduces an innovative approach for a move towards normalcy, requiring all vaccinated students to Read More

Tearing Up Because A TA Looked At Me Kindly And Five Other Things That Don’t Mean Anything Because I’m Fine

Recently, I endured what most would agree is an extremely common and normal experience: while sitting in office hours, the TA turned to me, with a bright gaze full of empathy and understanding, and I burst into tears. This led to all sorts of intrusive questions like “how are you?” and Read More

Awkward! Professor Keeps Putting Ugly Pet On Zoom

ZOOM—Torturing his students with the horrific sight of his cat Muffins, Cornell ethics professor Daniel Shrocket made it a point to direct his camera front-and-center whenever his frightful bundle of hairballs stalked across his room. Students in the class have expressed their inability to discern why anyone would adopt such Read More

6 Passive Aggressive Compliments to Comment Under Your Friend’s LinkedIn Updates About Their Finance Internships

It’s time, once again, for the Ivy League blowhards of the world to announce how utterly honored they are to have been accepted into various summer internships in fields that range from “making rich people richer” to “making poor people poorer” to the occasional “making poor people marginally richer on Read More

Feminism Win! I Ran Over a Guy

As I was driving the four-minute commute from campus to my apartment, I felt an unfamiliar speed bump along Stewart Avenue. My initial surprise quickly morphed into horror as I realized that what I thought was a speed bump was actually a person. Feeling sick, I pulled over and quickly Read More