Author Archives: Nooz Staff

Get Ready Uncle Gary: Area Student Planning to Deliver Coming Out Speech Right Before Your Thanksgiving Prayer

LONG ISLAND—Local student Colin Roban ’22 is reportedly preparing to inform his family that he is gay during the annual Thanksgiving dinner held at the home of his aunt and uncle, Susan and Gary Gates. Having explored and confirmed his sexuality while at Cornell, Roban expressed that he felt it Read More

How To Tell If That Cool Girl In Your FWS Is Actually Cool Or Has Internalized Affectations Of The “Cool Girl” Role Due To Societal Pressures

It’s true – that girl in MEDVL 1101: Young Idiots vs. Toxic Elders with you seems really cool. But is she actually cool, or is she just an angsty little ball of insecurity desperately yearning to be perceived as cool because she never got over her lack of friends in Read More

Mental Health Win: Cornell Health Releases 40 Therapy Dogs into the Wild

CORNELL HEALTH—At a Friday morning launch event, representatives from Cornell Health’s Strategic Mental Health Task Force released dozens of trained therapy dogs to freely roam campus in an effort to reduce patient wait times. “We hear a lot about folks not wanting to wait three months to meet with a Read More

Inspiring: Student Dedicates Self to Keeping Bridge Clean and Censoring Any Pro-Hong Kong Speech

Most students will just keep walking by when they see “Fight For Freedom” stickers cluttering up the bridge between the engineering quad and Collegetown, but not sophomore Jackson Huang. The dedicated young maverick has taken it upon himself to keep Cornell’s campus spotless, as well as suppress any and all Read More

8 Bus Companies We’d Rather be Sued by Than ShortLine

Cornell Campus to Campus: C2C is a beloved student institution that runs from Cornell to New York City. We’d love to be sued by them almost as much as we’d love to be able to afford their tickets. Sure, they’re pricey and might take us for all we’re worth (approximately Read More

This Is Just a List Containing the Words Okenshields and Bingalee Dingalee Because You Tasteless Fuckers Will Eat This Shit Up

People keep commenting about how we should “totally write an article about Okenshields or Bingalee Dingalee”, so you know what, here you go. This is the kind of least common denominator article you tasteless fuckers want. This is what you asked for. Okenshields There it is. There’s the word that Read More