Author Archives: Nooz Staff

Feminist Win! “Daddy Better Make Me Choke” Will Be Screamed Within Spitting Distance Of Ezra Cornell’s Grave

In a historic accomplishment for women everywhere, lyrics from Cupcakke’s hit single “Deepthroat” will be blared through massive speakers just a stone’s throw away from the decaying corpse of Ezra Cornell. MAJOR Victory! Who could predict that after only 150 years since the Quaker-turned-carpenter founded Cornell, Ezra’s cold, dead body Read More

Mental Health Win! Cornell Adds Three More Counselors To Serve Population of 23,000

After years of complaints, it looks like Cornell may finally be listening to the student body. Today the university announced they will be adding not one, not even two, but THREE full-time counselors for Cornell’s 23,000 undergraduate, graduate, and professional students! These aren’t just any counselors they’re hiring, either. All Read More

The Next Sigmund Freud? This Psychology Student Wants to Fuck His Mom!

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Thought you were a special student? Think again! After years of studying psychology, Francis Elkhart ‘21 is making a name for himself as the next Sigmund Freud. His secret? He has an unrelenting desire to fuck his mother! No other psychology student has anything close to Francis’s gift Read More

Crisis Averted! Almighty Student Assembly Obliterates ILR-HumEc Merger with Sternly-Worded Resolution

Alice Song / Sun Staff Photographer

Dropping the cold hammer of institutional justice, the Student Assembly smote the unpopular ILR-Human Ecology merger this past week by passing an entirely symbolic Resolution. Whoopee! via GIPHY The all-powerful protectors of the student body convened Wednesday and, with the ruthless efficiency we’ve come to expect from the SA, struck Read More

Travel Alert! Students Unable to Make It From Bed to Class After Break

After the glorious week away from class provided by Spring Break, many students are still struggling with their various trips to campus all the way from their dorm rooms or apartments. “There are just so many legs to the journey,” mumbled sophomore Genevieve Perreine through two blankets and a pillow. Read More

Heartwarming: When This Student In a Wheelchair Felt Left Out, These Brothers Helped Him Do a Keg Stand!

Adapting to College life can be tough for everyone, but imagine how hard it is for those of us facing physical disabilities. All of the social anxieties felt by being thrown into a new setting with dozens of people you’ve never met before get heightened by the palpable impairment that Read More

Wow-ee! Archies May Have Gone Overboard On Dragon’s Giant, Vascular Dick

RAND HALL—First-year Archies wow us annually with a reptilian masterpiece worthy of the MoMA, but this year’s dragon is breathtaking in more ways than one. Mamma mia, look at that Bavarian Beefstick! That’s right! Our 2018 dragon is packing a real crowd-pleaser. The 100-ft long creature features a huge, stinky, Read More