November 19, 2021

“Why Are You Drinking a Glass of Milk at a Party?” and Five Other Questions for the Guy Drinking a Glass of Milk at a Party

You know the situation. It’s Friday night and you’re on your shit, really vibing after a stressful week. The rest of the room is right there with you, alcoholic beverage in hand as they let the worries of the real world melt away. Everyone seems to be unified in action and intent. Well, almost everyone.

Eventually it dawns on you that there’s one guy who seems a little out of place. He’s not really talking with anyone, he’s not going out and dancing. He seems to sort of just… be there, standing off in the corner by himself. It’s not even really awkward, just a little unnerving. He scrolls his phone casually, sometimes glancing around the room while he takes a sip from his cup.

But then you realize: that’s not a cup, that’s a glass. Seems a little fancy for the setting, no? And—wait, that drink is white! That’s gotta be milk, right? What the hell is going on?!

We’ve all been there. To help make sense of it all, here are a few questions you can ask to get to the bottom of things.

 

  1. Is that milk? First off, it’s important to clarify that he is indeed drinking milk. Imagine how foolish you would feel if you presumed the beverage to be milk when, in actuality, he was indulging in a large glass of eggnog or a particularly opaque limeade? That baseline has to be established first and foremost.
  2. Is there any alcohol in there? Once you’ve confirmed the libation’s lactic nature, you can ask if it’s something like a White Russian. It would still be kinda weird but at least would fit the setting better.
  3. Did you bring a gallon of milk or just this one glass? You want to gauge their level of commitment to the milk. However, be aware that the answer is pretty definitely going to be at least one gallon, possibly more.
  4. If you could drink the milk of any mammal, what would it be and why? It’s a good conversation starter that also doubles as a screen for sociopaths, so this is really like asking two questions for the price of one. We’ve heard good things about llama milk if he returns the question and you need a response in a pinch.
  5. Can I have a glass of milk, pretty please? Once you’ve earned their trust and screened their sanity, you’re finally safe to reveal your true intentions and request that sweet, sweet party milk.

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