You know the situation. It’s Friday night and you’re on your shit, really vibing after a stressful week. The rest of the room is right there with you, alcoholic beverage in hand as they let the worries of the real world melt away. Everyone seems to be unified in action and intent. Well, almost everyone.
Eventually it dawns on you that there’s one guy who seems a little out of place. He’s not really talking with anyone, he’s not going out and dancing. He seems to sort of just… be there, standing off in the corner by himself. It’s not even really awkward, just a little unnerving. He scrolls his phone casually, sometimes glancing around the room while he takes a sip from his cup.
But then you realize: that’s not a cup, that’s a glass. Seems a little fancy for the setting, no? And—wait, that drink is white! That’s gotta be milk, right? What the hell is going on?!
We’ve all been there. To help make sense of it all, here are a few questions you can ask to get to the bottom of things.
- Is that milk? First off, it’s important to clarify that he is indeed drinking milk. Imagine how foolish you would feel if you presumed the beverage to be milk when, in actuality, he was indulging in a large glass of eggnog or a particularly opaque limeade? That baseline has to be established first and foremost.
- Is there any alcohol in there? Once you’ve confirmed the libation’s lactic nature, you can ask if it’s something like a White Russian. It would still be kinda weird but at least would fit the setting better.
- Did you bring a gallon of milk or just this one glass? You want to gauge their level of commitment to the milk. However, be aware that the answer is pretty definitely going to be at least one gallon, possibly more.
- If you could drink the milk of any mammal, what would it be and why? It’s a good conversation starter that also doubles as a screen for sociopaths, so this is really like asking two questions for the price of one. We’ve heard good things about llama milk if he returns the question and you need a response in a pinch.
- Can I have a glass of milk, pretty please? Once you’ve earned their trust and screened their sanity, you’re finally safe to reveal your true intentions and request that sweet, sweet party milk.
All drugs in houses must have eco-friendly packaging
Students must bring their own alcohol to parties, and it must be enough to share with the whole class
Hazing can only be conducted by licenced third-party pledge daddies
Mandatory I will not break the rules even when nobody is looking pinky promises for all members of greek life
Martha Pollack and Ryan Lombardi are to be invited to at least one mixer per semester, and they are exempt from the elbow rule in beer pong
No kissing pledges until after the first date
University-sanctioned security guards can only come on duty if the “Cops” theme song is played when they arrive
Absinthe and Anal
Body Shots and Butt Plugs
Cocktails and Cock Rings
Daiquiris and Double Penetration
Eggnog and Edging
Fireball and Facials
Grey Goose and Golden Showers
Hennessy and Hot Wax
Irish Whiskey and Inflatables
Jungle Juice and Japanese Tentacles
Keg Stands and Kidnappings
Limoncello and Leashes
Moonshine and Muzzle Gags
Natty and Nipple Clamps
Oxy and Orgasm Denial
Patron and Penis Gags
Quaaludes and Queefs
Rum and Reluctant Handjobs
Sake and Spanking
Tequila and Toe Sucking
Unicorn Tears and Ukrainian Separatism
Vodka and Violence
Whiskey and Weapons-Grade Uranium
Xanax and Xenophobia
Yaguara and “Yes Daddy harder”
just fucking kill someone and then gangbang a pumpkin
Last Friday saw the release of a highly anticipated, recently declassified IFC memo that is already sending shockwaves through the Greek system’s major houses.
Despite all signs indicating that he was going to take you to formal, this memo—meticulously cultivated from over 600 messages ranging from pledge class GroupMes to screenshotted SnapChats—paints a stunning picture of how Chad has actually been executing a calculated plan to invite Jessica instead, seeing that Jessica broke up with her boyfriend at the end of last semester.
The sensational document acts as total rebuke of the memo released earlier this month, which detailed how Chad really enjoyed sake bombing with you at his last date night. Previously released records reveal that Chad had even been heard saying he could see you two “getting cuffed,” from anonymous sources.
Weeks of hotly tested debate led to the release of the memo with extensive redactions to protect the sensitive information about sacred Rho Upsilon Tau pledging traditions littered through the messages on Chad’s phone.
Chad has publically pushed back against the memo on Twitter, calling it “definitely not chill,” and arguing that a majority of the incriminating information was illegally obtained by unlocking his phone with his finger while he was sleeping.
BALCH HALL—Listen up, all you hokey pokey players: if you think you can paddle the pink canoe while your roommate’s in class, think again! When Amber of Theta Sigma sorority broke into the dorm to decorate, she found her little’s roommate furiously auditioning the finger puppets. Yikes!
Each was disappointed to find the other there, as Amber was looking forward to an intimate afternoon of passing down generations of deodorant-stained clothing, and her little’s roommate was looking forward to a quiet afternoon of finger painting and perhaps playing the piano. Geez Amber, ever heard of knocking?
“I’m sorry if I startled you,” chirped the major downstairs party pooper as she sprinkled glitter and candy all over her little’s roommate’s personal space. “By the way, I’m Amber, don’t mind me!”
Amber proceeded to sputter while blowing up balloons as her little’s roommate laid in bed unmoving, listening and letting her Hot Pocket turn cold. Looks like the safest sex isn’t safe anymore with Amber in town!
Fear of encountering bigs like Amber has spread rapidly, as roommates of littles everywhere now look both ways before buttering their muffins and take extra care not to accidentally swipe glitter up their vaginas.
Many people hailed the University’s recent announcement that Psi Upsilon’s former fraternity house will be converted “into a building available for use by student organizations that promote diversity and inclusion.” Unfortunately, these people are missing the big picture: Cornell should instead make the house available only to me.
While I understand that repurposing 2 Forest Park Lane for use by diverse and inclusive student groups is an important step in repairing damaged racial relations on campus, repurposing the property for my use is an important, and really the only, step in achieving my goal to own a mansion.
Don’t get me wrong, I think the University’s current plan would greatly benefit campus! My only concern is that it could more directly benefit me if Cornell just gave me total ownership of that spacious man cave, and I could just permanently reside there, free of charge.
Some small-minded individuals will see this request as “insensitive.” I implore them to consider this: is it really that “insensitive” to feel entitled to the comfort of playing Destiny 2 while naked in a luxurious, single-person mansion? If that is not the future our Founding Fathers imagined, then this is not America.
Even if you don’t agree with me, you must understand that there is nothing I can do about it. I thought about potential compromises, but as I plan on spending time playing PS4 unclothed in just about every room nearly every day, there’s really just no resolution that works for both my needs and the many organizations that could use this space. I’m sorry, but that’s just the way it is.
I have already taken the liberty of moving my expansive video game collection and naked body in the empty building, because I believe Cornell will make the right decision. I am excited that this space will serve an important function for myself on campus.
There are plenty of small town heroes to be found in Ithaca, but this long weekend, one really stood out from the crowd. Eric LaSorsa ‘18, a member of Sigma Psi Theta fraternity, has publicly stated that if somebody doesn’t want a drink anymore, he will proudly “slam that fucker down like it’s nobody’s business.”
Yes, that’s right! Whether your cup is filled to the brim, or barely worth a sip, LaSorsa will “slosh that bitch into his mouth” like it’s his own freshly poured drink. What a mensch!
You might be wondering – what inspires this real-life Superman to do The Lord’s work? According to LaSorsa, “sad, lonely drinks need a strong, paternal figure to knock that shit back and finish them off like a real man.” Nice!
When asked if his good deeds extended toward non-alcoholic drinks like water, juice, or even iced tea, the literal reincarnate of Mama Theresa responded, “fuck that pussy shit, beer is my water.”
Thanks, Eric, for spreading your angelic wings over our campus!
When I found out that I would be attending Cornell University, I was pretty excited for a lot of reasons. But probably the greatest appeal of this amazing school was the diversity of Greek life, and I was determined to rush a fraternity as soon as I could. So you can probably understand my disappointment to find out that there are a lot of underlying problems with the frats on campus; most notably, the ghost of Ezra Cornell now haunts me just because I rushed Llenroc.
I know the the current Llenroc house belonged to the guy, but that’s so unfair, right?
I think fraternities often get a bad reputation for things like hazing and over-the-top parties, but nobody had warned me about the possibility of being followed by the harrowing spirit of the founder of this great college because I tried to join Delta Phi. I kept getting good vibes from the other brothers, and I had even been invited to a few smoking parties, but it never occurred to me that all the current members of Llenroc often wake in the middle of the night to find an apparition of the man who helped develop the modern telegraph floating above their bed.
I thought I knew what I was getting into when I decided to go Greek, but maybe Llenroc is not for me. Then again, the house does have a pretty sweet backyard, so maybe I’ll find a way to get over the whole haunted-by-a-phantom thing.