September 22, 2017

Instead of Giving Psi Upsilon’s House to Diverse Student Organizations, Cornell Should Give It to Me

Many people hailed the University’s recent announcement that Psi Upsilon’s former fraternity house will be converted “into a building available for use by student organizations that promote diversity and inclusion.” Unfortunately, these people are missing the big picture: Cornell should instead make the house available only to me.

While I understand that repurposing 2 Forest Park Lane for use by diverse and inclusive student groups is an important step in repairing damaged racial relations on campus, repurposing the property for my use is an important, and really the only, step in achieving my goal to own a mansion.

Don’t get me wrong, I think the University’s current plan would greatly benefit campus! My only concern is that it could more directly benefit me if Cornell just gave me total ownership of that spacious man cave, and I could just permanently reside there, free of charge.

Some small-minded individuals will see this request as “insensitive.” I implore them to consider this: is it really that “insensitive” to feel entitled to the comfort of playing Destiny 2 while naked in a luxurious, single-person mansion? If that is not the future our Founding Fathers imagined, then this is not America.

Even if you don’t agree with me, you must understand that there is nothing I can do about it. I thought about potential compromises, but as I plan on spending time playing PS4 unclothed in just about every room nearly every day, there’s really just no resolution that works for both my needs and the many organizations that could use this space. I’m sorry, but that’s just the way it is.

I have already taken the liberty of moving my expansive video game collection and naked body in the empty building, because I believe Cornell will make the right decision. I am excited that this space will serve an important function for myself on campus.

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