Category Archives: Uncategorized

“I’ll Totally Be There!” and 5 Other Ways to Say “No” to Your Friend’s A Capella Concert

KLARMAN HALL— With the upcoming onslaught of finals and never-ending last minute assignments, when your friend hits you with  “My a capella group is having a concert this weekend, you’re definitely coming through, right?” the most immediate and resounding internal response is a shrieking, guttural “Dear God, no.”  So how Read More

Aww! Three Generations of Cornellians Come Together to Psychologically Abuse the Shit out of BU Hockey Team

Nothing says Thanksgiving like joining friends, parents, and grandparents for a wholesome night of pure, unfiltered bullying! This evening Lynah Faithful will flock to Madison Square Garden to inflict permanent psychological damage upon the Boston University hockey team—a demonstration of the Cornell community’s admirable closeness and warmth.  “I look forward Read More

“Why Are You Drinking a Glass of Milk at a Party?” and Five Other Questions for the Guy Drinking a Glass of Milk at a Party

You know the situation. It’s Friday night and you’re on your shit, really vibing after a stressful week. The rest of the room is right there with you, alcoholic beverage in hand as they let the worries of the real world melt away. Everyone seems to be unified in action Read More

Class Traitor? Classmate Didn’t Give Me A 100% On Our Peer Graded Quiz

BAILEY HALL—This past Tuesday, in what has been a most shocking act of sabotage and treachery, Isabella Palacio 23’ received a less than a perfect score on her peer graded assessment at the hands of her classmate-turned-archnemesis Toby Grimes 22’.   “I’m on the edge of tears just talking about it,” Read More

Ten Zany Lines to Say at Your In-Person Icebreakers That Will Have Everyone Wishing They Could Go Back Into Quarantine

Hey, you! Yes, you, you nervous, wide-eyed, naive frosh! I bet you’re thinking right now about how you can impress your entire orientation group with a cool Icebreaker that’ll have the whole mandatory orientation group voluntarily nodding and laughing! Well, STOP thinking about that. Icebreakers are about one thing: survival. Read More

Finally! New “3-S” University Initiative Encourages Vaccinated Students To Spit, Stomp, and Shit On The Unvaccinated

DAY HALL—As more and more students have become fully vaccinated in the past weeks, President Martha Pollack announced earlier this morning a new university measure to encourage unvaccinated students to receive a COVID-19 shot. The initiative introduces an innovative approach for a move towards normalcy, requiring all vaccinated students to Read More