Tag Archives: Campus Life

Finally! New “3-S” University Initiative Encourages Vaccinated Students To Spit, Stomp, and Shit On The Unvaccinated

May 20, 2021UncategorizedCampus Life, coronavirus, covid, shit, vaccinationNooz Staff

DAY HALL—As more and more students have become fully vaccinated in the past weeks, President Martha Pollack announced earlier this morning a new university measure to encourage unvaccinated students to receive a COVID-19 shot. The initiative introduces an innovative approach for a move towards normalcy, requiring all vaccinated students to take advantage of their immunity through maskless, physical violence against the unvaxxed. About time!

“This year has really been difficult for all students, and I wanted to allow those who have been working hard to protect themselves while letting off some steam. I really do care about the mental health of our vaxxed students. So, I thought I should kill two birds with one stone by creating a Cornell-synthesized hierarchical class structure that places the puny, pathetic, vaxx-less on the bottom where they belong,” commented Pollack, wiping blood off of her hands before chugging a Keystone. “Now, students can beat the fucking shit out of their weaker peers at anytime. Stomp, spit, and shit on those primitive troglodytes! We’re in a return to normalcy, baby! WOOHOOOO!!!!”

“I really feel as though the Cornell community has been brought even closer with this initiative,” says Kayla Benigni ‘23, “Like, I feel like the world is finally healing.” Sighs of relief have been heard all throughout campus after Pollack’s announcement, followed by the sounds, sights, and smells of sweet, sweet abuse.

The university will be dedicating facilities to the “3-S” Initiative, developing a space that anyone in need of an emotional outlet can use. The space will house several involuntarily unvaccinated human punching bags who you can tell based on their trembling are super excited to be contributing to such a noble cause! The “(Big) Red Room” will be replacing the current mental health resource offices in the Cornell Health building. Talk about progress!

The Top 10 Things To Do On Campus, Ranked By How Likely They Are To Stay Closed All Semester

February 9, 2021UncategorizedCampus Life, covid, Hockey, Slope Day, swim testNooz Staff

ITHACA—As students return to campus for another hybrid semester, many long to reclaim their lost semesters. Whether you’re a wide-eyed freshman trying to craft a public indecency-free bucket list or a dejected senior mourning the inevitable loss of your Catherine Street block party, this list is for you. Here are our top 10 things to do on campus, ranked by how likely they are to stay closed all semester.

10. Get your biweekly surveillance test. Open all days of the week. Don’t be a dick.

9. Visit the Harry Potter Library. Also known as the A.D. White Library. Turns out the room is open for reservations, meaning you might actually get a seat this time.

8. Eat at Establishment. Still open for takeout. You’ll no longer be waited on by your classmates which, depending on the size of your god complex, is either better or worse.

7. Listen to a chimes concert from the top of the clocktower. The best view you’ll find at Cornell. Now we just have drone footage.

6. Go bowling at Helen Newman Hall. We’re still holding out hope that the Tuesday night special will make a reappearance, but it’s looking like the only strikes we’ll get will be from the Daily Check.

5. Dress up for an event at the Johnson Museum of Art. Let’s be honest–it’s not like you would’ve been able to get a ticket anyways.

4. Watch a hockey game. Maybe next year, when there actually is a season.

3. Get free popcorn at Willard Straight Hall. This one devastates us the most but we’re guessing the money from the popcorn budget went towards contact tracing frat bros.

2. Go all out for Slope Day. As if Cornell would let a bunch of touch-starved, horny, socially-deprived twenty-somethings mosh together, even outdoors.

1. Take your mandatory swim test. You lucky bastards.

Social Distancing Win? I Got Lost

October 13, 2020UncategorizedCampus Life, Cornell, cornell university, coronavirus, Freshman, Freshmen, Social, Student Life, WomenNooz Staff

While on a trek to Nasties for a 1:00 a.m. meatball sub, I suddenly realized that I was in what seemed to be a large forest. There wasn’t a soul in sight. You know what that means—I can let down my mask and breathe in the crisp fall air! No risk of COVID-19 transmission here!

Just me, myself, and I, as well as something that may have been a mountain lion. Or maybe it was a coyote? Either way, it wasn’t wearing a mask but was greater than six feet away, so I think that’s probably okay. Besides, it wasn’t coughing or anything, but boy can it growl!

Wait, do we even have mountain lions in Ithaca? Aren’t those more of a mountain thing? Am I in Vermont? I sure hope so, because they have the lowest number of cases per 100,000 residents of any state in the USA!

My phone died a while ago, so I can’t check Google Maps or anything—and more importantly, I can’t complete my Daily Check. Hopefully Cayuga Medical will understand that I’m practicing a more effective form of virus protection: walking so far into the countryside that I haven’t seen any lights in at least an hour.

If we all took such simple measures as venturing an unknown distance into a vast wilderness in the night, I bet we’d knock out the coronavirus in a jiffy. Health goals! I am getting very cold!

Bold! CUPB Assumes Hannibal Buress Funnier Over Zoom Than My Technologically Inept 86-Year-Old Economics Professor

April 14, 2020UncategorizedAcademics, Campus Life, comedy, CUPB, Hannibal Buress, Professor, ZoomNooz Staff

This post is sponsored by CUPB! Cornell University Program Board is proud to (virtually) welcome Hannibal Buress, a cast member on Broad City and co-host on the Eric Andre Show.

This FREE moderated and audience Q&A is only open to the Cornell Community on a first come, first serve basis. Hannibal will be reading your questions, so if you have any, fill out this form: https://forms.gle/uvMLdWGQq5oeLrXu6

To register for the zoom webinar, click below: https://zoom.us/webinar/register/WN_vVW_R8pRQM6oqREpVL_6cw

This FREE event is open to Cornell students, faculty, and staff.

I just found out that Hannibal Buress will be headlining CUPB’s Spring Comedy Show… virtually. Look, I love Hannibal – insanely funny guy – but just so that we’re clear: no matter what he brings to the table during his event this Friday, he will never be half as funny over Zoom as my 86-year-old economics professor, John Elkridge.

Like a lot of people, I was a little disappointed when we were told about the transition to online classes, but honestly, I have never had a better semester at Cornell. I haven’t arrived early to a single in-person class. But ever since Professor Elkridge has been forced to hold classes over Zoom, I line up overnight for this class. Heck, I’ll Zoom in with my parents sometimes.

Yesterday, I tuned into class 20 minutes early. I was the only other person in the conference, and watched with glee as the former Chair of the Economics Department was already 14 slides into presenting a PowerPoint that he had physically printed out and was holding in the wrong direction of the camera. Legendary.

I get it, Hannibal’s been on all these big shows and has his own fancy stand-up specials– whatever. He will never bring me as much joy as when I heard a frustrated Nobel Laureate in pajama pants yell “God damn it, Arlene, the fish are back” when a ‘Baby Shark’ e-card from his great-grandkids appeared as his virtual background. Comedy. Gold.

So yes, I’ll be watching Hannibal’s Zoom thing on Friday, but good luck coming close to matching the comedic stylings of a confused older person forced to try new things… on camera.

Doing Her Part: Student Who Doesn’t Want Biden To Be Nominee Almost Gets Around To Requesting Absentee Ballot

March 3, 2020UncategorizedAbsentee Ballot, Balloting, Ballots, Campus Life, Cornell, Election 2020, Ithaca, Opinion, Politics, Primaries, Super Tuesday, wowNooz Staff

While some students may not care enough to engage in politics, Maya Pappas ’21 decided to fight for the country’s future by thinking about looking up how to get an absentee ballot sent to Ithaca.

“I’m no hero,” said the champion of democracy. “It’s just so obvious to me that Biden’s visibly deteriorating mental state and uninspiring civility-oriented pitch will make him all too easy for Trump to beat. I have a responsibility to tell myself I’ll figure out how to vote, before ultimately neglecting to do so.”

What an inspiration! As you’d expect, none of Maya’s friend’s were surprised at her brave probably upcoming stand. “She’s always the one to talk about politics and how terrible it would be if Biden won the primary,” said her friend Chris O’Shaughnessy ’21. “Of course she was the one who came the closest of any of us to voting.”

And don’t think this is the end of Maya’s activism: she already has big plans to complain a lot about how Biden managed to win the nomination with almost no support from young people after the primary is over.

How To Justify To Marie Kondo That Empty Alcohol Bottles Bring You Joy

February 6, 2020UncategorizedCampus Life, cleaning, Collegetown, comedy, Cornell, cornell university, Dorm Life, Freshman, Freshmen, happiness, joy, List, love, Student Life, Women, wowNooz Staff

It might feel like Ithaca winter will drag on forever, but spring cleaning time will be here before you know it. And who better to consult for advice than Marie Kondo, author of the best-selling “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up” and star of her eponymous Netflix series?

So here’s the dealio – Marie’s method tells us to reflect on each of our belongings (yes, even your crusty old mouthguard) and keep them only if they spark joy.

You might be tempted to toss that economics textbook, but remember: the textbook helps you pass the class, which helps you graduate with a degree in Finance, which will score you a cushy Wall Street job. And money sure brings you joy!

A way tougher conundrum comes in the form of those empty bottles of Svedka lining the top of your kitchen cabinets. Sure, knocking back a cold one brings you all sorts of joy, but Mrs. Kondo might insist that you thank the bottle for its service and discard it, now that it’s outlived its usefulness.

Not so fast! You’ve got a strong claim that those bottles are still presently bringing you joy. They’re a reminder of a happier, simpler time, like last Thursday, when you downed a magnum bottle of Barefoot White Zinfandel by yourself in the dark because you got your fourth job rejection in a week. These bottles show you’re chill! You can hang! You’re one of the bros!

Sure, your mom might cry every time she walks into your dingy Collegetown apartment because her “worst fears have been realized” and you’re “turning out just like your father,” but think of how informational your collection is! Move over, FiveThirtyEight, this is a real-life infographic of all the fun you’ve had.

Armed with these arguments, you are prepared to stand up to Marie Kondo for your right to amass years of party remnants for all to see. Although, you could probably just avoid all of this conflict in the first place by passing on spring cleaning this go-around.

Red Flag? My Roommate’s Spotify Wrapped Looks Like He’s Really Going Through Some Shit

December 13, 2019UncategorizedCampus Life, Dorm Life, MusicNooz Staff

Well, it’s that time of year again- Spotify Wrapped season, when the streaming platform reminds us all what we spent the past 12 months listening to. My suitemates and I took a break from studying to show our Wrappeds to each other and it became quickly clear that Barney might be going through some heavy stuff.

While most of us were reminded of all the time we spent listening to Ed Sheeran, Taylor Swift, and Lizzo, our roommate, Barney Davidson, apparently spent the majority of his year repeatedly listening to dark, confessional explorations of loneliness, alcoholism, breakups, and loss. Man, what’s been up in his life?

According to Spotify’s automatically generated presentation, our sounds changed with the season. For Barney, it seemed to change from bad to worse. Barney’s summer was populated by normal album covers by The Beatles, The Wu-Tang Clan, and Childish Gambino, but by fall these were replaced by Sam Smith, Frank Ocean, Jeff Rosenstock, and even Hank Williams oddly enough.

I mean, he seems fine, but now that I think about it, he does play “Life Goes On” by 2Pac like every time he showers. I guess I should probably ask if he’s doing okay.

UPDATE: False alarm everyone, I asked Barney if everything was cool, and his halfhearted and breathy “yeah, I’m fine” assured me that we’re all good. Here’s to another great year of streaming!

Mental Health Win: Cornell Health Releases 40 Therapy Dogs into the Wild

November 14, 2019UncategorizedCampus Life, caps, cornell health, counseling, Dog, dogs, mental health, therapy dog, therapy dogsNooz Staff

CORNELL HEALTH—At a Friday morning launch event, representatives from Cornell Health’s Strategic Mental Health Task Force released dozens of trained therapy dogs to freely roam campus in an effort to reduce patient wait times.

“We hear a lot about folks not wanting to wait three months to meet with a mental health counselor,” explained task force chairwoman Natalie Caldrino, “so we thought playing to students’ hunter-gatherer instincts would be the next best alternative.”

According to sources familiar with the matter, the dogs were initially supposed to be trackable via an app, but upon learning about the associated costs, Cornell Health instead opted to let the dogs go and hope for the best.

“I suffer from severe anxiety and waiting around for a counselor to see me was getting pretty stale,” said Noah Pendor ’22 “But who needs a counselor when you can chase down a cold, frightened animal and force it to comfort you.”

As of press time, there were no more dogs.

8 Bus Companies We’d Rather be Sued by Than ShortLine

October 23, 2019Uncategorizedbus, busses, Campus Life, Cornell, cornell university, tcat, transportationNooz Staff

Cornell Campus to Campus: C2C is a beloved student institution that runs from Cornell to New York City. We’d love to be sued by them almost as much as we’d love to be able to afford their tickets. Sure, they’re pricey and might take us for all we’re worth (approximately $150 and a dozen bagels), but we just know being sued by them would be so pleasant. We’re sure they’d bring snacks for everyone and the hearings would start promptly on time.

Peter Pan Bus Lines: Peter Pan Bus Lines is another long-distance commuter bus line based in the Northeastern United States. It has a fun name, and its busses have an aesthetically pleasing green design. Speaking of fun names, did you know the CEO of Peter Pan Bus Lines is named Peter A. Picknelly? That’s very funny to us, which is why being sued by Peter Pan would be way better than being sued by ShortLine.

Ourbus: Ourbus is cheap and quickly gaining popularity with students. With prices so low and such great service, they would have a smaller profit margin than other bus companies that charge more for the bare-minimum. That low profit margin would mean Ourbus couldn’t afford to drag out a lawsuit, and they would settle amicably! Plus, their website looks like it was made after 2005, so they’re definitely tech-savvy — we’re sure they’d respond to our lawyers promptly.

Greyhound Lines: Greyhound busses are the big kahuna of North American inter-city bus lines. Being sued by Greyhound would be a way bigger news than being sued by ShortLine. At the end of the day the news business is a business and it’s all about the clicks. Greyhound means clicks. End of story.

Bang Bros Bangbus: The Bangbus is really more of a van where unsuspecting everyday people are accosted on the street by adult film stars to have sex on camera. Sex sells, which is good for ratings. Also, In 2004, BangBros was involved in a controversy when a female performer alleged that they had made false promises about the distribution of the film and paid her through an ex-boyfriend, who then disappeared. If that really happened, we’d love the chance to face these jerks who don’t respect sex workers in court.

Tompkins Consolidated Area Transit: The TCAT provides service to the Cornell campus and entire Tompkins County. It’s a fixture in the community and students rely on it to get to class in the snow and home after drinking.The TCAT adds tremendous value to Cornell and is far more eco-friendly than cars! That’s why being sued by the TCAT would be an absolute honor. While it might be devastating to think that the TCAT is not angry, just disappointed in us, it would still be an honor to be acknowledged by them. Please, Tompkins Consolidated Area Transit, notice us. Sue us. Just acknowledge our existence.

Swarthout Coaches: Swarthout Coaches offers charter buses and group day trips for the New York State area. They’ve practically got a monopoly on charter buses in the Ithaca area. Swarthout’s reach and ubiquity is so notable that we wonder how they do it! Swarthout filing a lawsuit would give us the opportunity to ask their lawyers about their growth as a small company. Their business model seems sound, so we’d like to learn from the best. We could really use that business acumen to further our growth. If we survive the suit, that is.

The Knight Bus Company From Harry Potter And The Prisoner of Azkaban: Just meeting someone who works for a company with buses that can elongate themselves to pass in between lanes of traffic would be incredible. We’d love to see the owners of the Knight Bus in court.