May 20, 2021

Finally! New “3-S” University Initiative Encourages Vaccinated Students To Spit, Stomp, and Shit On The Unvaccinated

DAY HALL—As more and more students have become fully vaccinated in the past weeks, President Martha Pollack announced earlier this morning a new university measure to encourage unvaccinated students to receive a COVID-19 shot. The initiative introduces an innovative approach for a move towards normalcy, requiring all vaccinated students to take advantage of their immunity through maskless, physical violence against the unvaxxed. About time!

“This year has really been difficult for all students, and I wanted to allow those who have been working hard to protect themselves while letting off some steam. I really do care about the mental health of our vaxxed students. So, I thought I should kill two birds with one stone by creating a Cornell-synthesized hierarchical class structure that places the puny, pathetic, vaxx-less on the bottom where they belong,” commented Pollack, wiping blood off of her hands before chugging a Keystone. “Now, students can beat the fucking shit out of their weaker peers at anytime. Stomp, spit, and shit on those primitive troglodytes! We’re in a return to normalcy, baby! WOOHOOOO!!!!” 

“I really feel as though the Cornell community has been brought even closer with this initiative,” says Kayla Benigni ‘23, “Like, I feel like the world is finally healing.” Sighs of relief have been heard all throughout campus after Pollack’s announcement, followed by the sounds, sights, and smells of sweet, sweet abuse. 

The university will be dedicating facilities to the “3-S” Initiative, developing a space that anyone in need of an emotional outlet can use. The space will house several involuntarily unvaccinated human punching bags who you can tell based on their trembling are super excited to be contributing to such a noble cause! The “(Big) Red Room” will be replacing the current mental health resource offices in the Cornell Health building. Talk about progress!

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