How to Network with People Who Will One Day Be Interviewed in the Documentary About Your Tragic Downfall

Career sites are full of advice for networking in your chosen field, but what about the girl who wants a little extra? You know, like making a professional connection who will one day stare hollow-eyed into the camera as they recount all the missed signs that you were headed down a path of violent self-destruction. Just follow these tips and before you know it you’ll be the subject of a documentary so fascinating you’ll forget you’re serving twenty to life.

Hype yourself up. Confidence is key to making a good first impression. Practice giving yourself the same steely glare you will soon give the journalist who threatened to expose your business practices moments before the hitman you hired strikes true. Remember, everyone who laughed at you will be sorry!

Wear a novelty tie. They’ll be sure to remember how young, how carefree you looked in that banana print tie! What hideous deeds have replaced that earnest smile with the stone-cold frown of a killer? Everyone who knows has been permanently relocated to the bottom of the Mississippi, but wouldn’t the viewers love to find out.

Overpromise and underdeliver. Be sure to drop key phrases like “My morals are important” and “I would never grease my machine with the blood of orphans to save two cents per thousand parts.” Your fellow networkers will be sure to tell the director they had no idea such an upstanding member of society could operate an underground orphan juicing factory.

Attend Dyson. Where else are you going to find such high-quality orphan juicers?

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