Hey, you! Yes, you, you nervous, wide-eyed, naive frosh! I bet you’re thinking right now about how you can impress your entire orientation group with a cool Icebreaker that’ll have the whole mandatory orientation group voluntarily nodding and laughing!
Well, STOP thinking about that. Icebreakers are about one thing: survival. You either escape the orientation group with absolutely no one remembering you, or you have the entire group telling their actual friends about that one fuck-up who thought they were the shit. Let that be somebody else. Everybody is finally interacting with other human beings for the first time in, like, two years. Do you really want to be the cringey blowhard that makes everyone mutter under their breath “God, put me back into fucking lockdown.”
So what can you do? Whatever you decide to say when you’re talking about your summer vacation or your family, DON’T say any of these. Wait until some other asshole says one of these, and then just calmly say, “Get a load of this guy!”
- “Oh, yeah, my older brother was actually the President of one of the frats that got banned.”
Oh, yeah, that’ll really impress all the girls in the group, you creep.
2. “Wow, this campus is awesome. I’m so glad Dad is paying for all this.”
Way to make yourself relatable to 0.1% of people in America (which, in all fairness, will probably be a good part of your orientation group at Cornell).
3. “Oh hey everyone, guess we don’t have to unmute anymore!”
Get it? Because of the pandemic we all just went through? And how we all had to be on Zoom? Comedic genius here, everybody!
4. “My intended major? Partying!”
You could just say “Business” and everyone would be equally unimpressed.
5. “Oh, I had an awesome vacation in Hawaii, even though the natives were a bit upset that we were there.”
Holy fuck, are you here for the School of Colonial Administration?
6. “But the state schools don’t really count as Cornell, right?”
You seem more comfortable on some elitist college subreddit than you do interacting with other human beings.
7. “That building we just passed? Yeah, that’s my last name too, haha.”
Slow down there, buddy. Next thing you know you’re gonna be detained by the FBI agent who was undercover in your orientation group.
8. “My favorite Cornell alumni has to be Andy Bernard!”
You did it! You are the billionth person to make that joke, and you’ve won a special prize: utter social ostracization.
9. “This was such a great orientation group! We should all hang out again in the future!”
That was the first funny thing you’ve said all tour.
10. “I didn’t get the vaccine.”
Save this one to the end of the tour to have everyone really in hysterics.
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