Tag Archives: List

Ten Zany Lines to Say at Your In-Person Icebreakers That Will Have Everyone Wishing They Could Go Back Into Quarantine

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Hey, you! Yes, you, you nervous, wide-eyed, naive frosh! I bet you’re thinking right now about how you can impress your entire orientation group with a cool Icebreaker that’ll have the whole mandatory orientation group voluntarily nodding and laughing!

Well, STOP thinking about that. Icebreakers are about one thing: survival. You either escape the orientation group with absolutely no one remembering you, or you have the entire group telling their actual friends about that one fuck-up who thought they were the shit. Let that be somebody else. Everybody is finally interacting with other human beings for the first time in, like, two years. Do you really want to be the cringey blowhard that makes everyone mutter under their breath “God, put me back into fucking lockdown.”

So what can you do? Whatever you decide to say when you’re talking about your summer vacation or your family, DON’T say any of these. Wait until some other asshole says one of these, and then just calmly say, “Get a load of this guy!”

  1. “Oh, yeah, my older brother was actually the President of one of the frats that got banned.”

Oh, yeah, that’ll really impress all the girls in the group, you creep.

 

2. “Wow, this campus is awesome. I’m so glad Dad is paying for all this.”

Way to make yourself relatable to 0.1% of people in America (which, in all fairness, will probably be a good part of your orientation group at Cornell). 

 

3. “Oh hey everyone, guess we don’t have to unmute anymore!”

Get it? Because of the pandemic we all just went through? And how we all had to be on Zoom? Comedic genius here, everybody!

 

4. “My intended major? Partying!”

You could just say “Business” and everyone would be equally unimpressed.

 

5. “Oh, I had an awesome vacation in Hawaii, even though the natives were a bit upset that we were there.”

Holy fuck, are you here for the School of Colonial Administration?

 

6. “But the state schools don’t really count as Cornell, right?”

You seem more comfortable on some elitist college subreddit than you do interacting with other human beings. 

 

7. “That building we just passed? Yeah, that’s my last name too, haha.”

Slow down there, buddy. Next thing you know you’re gonna be detained by the FBI agent who was undercover in your orientation group.

 

8. “My favorite Cornell alumni has to be Andy Bernard!”

You did it! You are the billionth person to make that joke, and you’ve won a special prize: utter social ostracization.

 

9. “This was such a great orientation group! We should all hang out again in the future!”

That was the first funny thing you’ve said all tour.

 

10. “I didn’t get the vaccine.”

Save this one to the end of the tour to have everyone really in hysterics.

 

Read This List of What the Mottos of Each School and College Should Be

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Everyone knows the words with which Ezra Cornell started his eponymous university: “I would found an institution where any person can find instruction in any study.” But that doesn’t tell you what to expect in those studies, now does it? So, here is our list of what the defining statement for each and every Cornell College and School should be:

 

Cornell University

I would build an institution into a cliff side despite there being acres of flat land just a mile away where any wealthy white person can find instruction in a buncha random ass studies taught by some poor sons of bitches we tricked into coming to the farmland of New York to teach.

Undergraduate:

College of Agricultural and Life Sciences (CALS)
You’re gonna want to really breathe in that elephant poop.
College of Architecture, Art, and Planning (AAP)
Our students, and our drugs, grow the best under 24/7 fluorescent lights.
College of Arts and Sciences (CAS)
Proving over 8 semesters that romance studies won’t get you laid.
College of Engineering (CoE)
A well-balanced lifestyle, like Newton’s Law of Force Pairs, comes last.
College of Human Ecology (CHE)
Let’s talk about sex, ba-by!
Dyson School of Applied Economics and Management (AEM)
#10 in undergraduate business programs, #1 if you don’t count the first 9, those pussies.
School of Computing and Information Sciences (CIS)
We have imbibed the sacred chalice of liquid crystal display, and soon we shall all ascend.
School of Hotel Administration (SHA)
Majoring in minoring in real estate studies.

School of Industrial and Labor Relations (ILR)

Where no one goes into Industry, no one cares about Labor, and everyone else hates you.
School of Public Policy
The academic equivalent of the ugly red headed step child of the off spring of a rented mule and a beaten sore thumb.

Graduate:

SC Johnson Graduate School of Management (JGSM)
Premier corporate business studies in a backwoods rural farming community (we swear).
Cornell Law School (LAW)
Lawyers, in the bitchiest sense.
College of Veterinary Medicine (VET)
Let me take those Pomeranian balls off your hands.
Cornell Graduate Studies (GRAD)
Guaranteeing you’re the only person who HAS to go to optional discussion section…dumbass.
Weill Cornell College of Medicine (WEILL)
Your one and only chance to fondle cadaver boobs before it becomes socially frowned upon.

 

How To Justify To Marie Kondo That Empty Alcohol Bottles Bring You Joy

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It might feel like Ithaca winter will drag on forever, but spring cleaning time will be here before you know it. And who better to consult for advice than Marie Kondo, author of the best-selling “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up” and star of her eponymous Netflix series?

So here’s the dealio – Marie’s method tells us to reflect on each of our belongings (yes, even your crusty old mouthguard) and keep them only if they spark joy.

You might be tempted to toss that economics textbook, but remember: the textbook helps you pass the class, which helps you graduate with a degree in Finance, which will score you a cushy Wall Street job. And money sure brings you joy!

A way tougher conundrum comes in the form of those empty bottles of Svedka lining the top of your kitchen cabinets. Sure, knocking back a cold one brings you all sorts of joy, but Mrs. Kondo might insist that you thank the bottle for its service and discard it, now that it’s outlived its usefulness.

Not so fast! You’ve got a strong claim that those bottles are still presently bringing you joy.  They’re a reminder of a happier, simpler time, like last Thursday, when you downed a magnum bottle of Barefoot White Zinfandel by yourself in the dark because you got your fourth job rejection in a week. These bottles show you’re chill! You can hang! You’re one of the bros!

Sure, your mom might cry every time she walks into your dingy Collegetown apartment because her “worst fears have been realized” and you’re “turning out just like your father,” but think of how informational your collection is! Move over, FiveThirtyEight, this is a real-life infographic of all the fun you’ve had.

Armed with these arguments, you are prepared to stand up to Marie Kondo for your right to amass years of party remnants for all to see. Although, you could probably just avoid all of this conflict in the first place by passing on spring cleaning this go-around.

CUPD Must Know At Least 3 Brothers to Raid Party and Other New Greek Life Rules

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All drugs in houses must have eco-friendly packaging

Students must bring their own alcohol to parties, and it must be enough to share with the whole class

Hazing can only be conducted by licenced third-party pledge daddies

Mandatory I will not break the rules even when nobody is looking pinky promises for all members of greek life

Martha Pollack and Ryan Lombardi are to be invited to at least one mixer per semester, and they are exempt from the elbow rule in beer pong

No kissing pledges until after the first date

University-sanctioned security guards can only come on duty if the “Cops” theme song is played when they arrive

21 FWS Names I’m Ashamed To Have On My Transcript

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1) FWS: Let’s Play — I got a C- in Yahtzee.

2) FWS: Modern Romance: Dating and Relationships Among Young Adults — “Hot tip,” said my sixty-year-old professor, “say, ‘Hiya toots!’ by the jukebox, and y be doing the jitterbug in no time.”

3) FWS: Talk. Writing is for Pussies — Okay, fine, this one isn’t real.

4) FWS: Yogurt? — The jury’s still out.

5) FWS: Sluts and Hoes — Yep. Very ashamed of this one.

6) FWS: Pin The Tail On Stuart — Stuart had a really bad time.

7) FWS: Fuck — God dammit.

8) FWS: Feminism For Men — Surprisingly, the same as feminism for women, just with one picture of a monster truck.

9) FWS: Everyone Gets A B+ — I got a B.

10) FWS: Be Christian — On day 1, they took us to Sage Chapel and baptized us.

11) FWS: Ian? — WHERE IS HEEEE???

12) FWS: My Mom’s A Bitch — She made him eat grapes, and he doesn’t like grapes.

13) FWS: Meditation for Beginners, Just Breathing — *sigh*

14) FWS: I’ve Got the Almond Milk Blues — We were all lactose intolerant except for Gary, who’s just really sad about almond milk.

15) FWS: Want My Old Skateboard? — No.

16) FWS: Crabs, Sexy???? — No.

17) FWS: Canada Is Technically A Country — No.

18) FWS: Urethras In The 21st Century — They were all pretty urethra-y.

19) FWS: One Unbelievably Well-Woven Basket — The basket got an A+.

20) FWS: Geronimo! — For the first two weeks, we just jumped off of medium-sized ledges onto a gymnastics pad.

21) FWS: Jumanji For Dummies — We just watched Jumanji at half speed.

9 Ways to Make a Great First Impression

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Meeting future recommenders at your internship can seem intimidating, but with this guide to making a great first impression, you can’t go wrong. Here are 9 tips to succeed!

1. Assess the weather to start every conversation. Nice sun today, eh? It shows that you’re relatable.

2. Always nod when people speak, even if they’re not speaking to you. It at least shows them that you’re awake.

3. Make sure your shirt has sweat marks at all times so they know you’re working hard.

4. Plot twist: spill coffee on yourself to avoid accidentally getting some on your boss.

5. Identify your boss’ biggest confidante and copy their look, mannerisms, and scent exactly. Try for their spouse, the confessional at church, or their dog. You want to establish some level of familiarity.

6. When you meet Diane at HR, compliment her. Diane is a hardworking mother with three unruly kids in Little League and she doesn’t mess around. You want Diane to like you.

7. When greeted with “Hi, how are you?,” make sure to really engage in conversation by explaining that you’re doing alright, but last night you were reminded of one of your biggest weaknesses—which is working too hard—but you’re feeling hopeful because you know that you can spend this summer really thinking about how to better manage your time and become more effective at work.

8. Take over the copy machine. Move your belongings to build a fort around it and stand guard at all times. That way, everyone has to go through you to use the copier, and you know you’ll always be needed around the office.

9. Show them you’re making the most out of your internship experience. Drink the free coffee and don’t forget to grab a bathroom tissue roll on the way out!

31 Ways to Get in the Spirit of Halloween

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Tired of dressing up as sexy bunnies and angel/devil pairs? Sick of trick-or-treating on North Campus? Here are some more ways to celebrate!

  1.  Dress up as a cat, and then release an actual feline into whatever party you’re going to. See if anyone notices it’s not really you
  2.  Walk up to your ex-boyfriend at the party and tell him Halloween doesn’t faze you, because his dick is the scariest thing you’ve ever seen
  3.  Run away faster than that cheetah you set free into the party
  4.  Go all the way to the arts quad and scale the side of the clock tower until you reach the eye of the jack-o-lantern
  5.  Once you’re up there, strip off your costume and wave it around like a flag
  6.  Continue to the inside of the clock tower
  7.  Wait for the other cult members to assemble
  8.  Just FYI, this is a BYOP (bring your own pumpkin) event
  9.  Home-grown pumpkins only
  10.  Now begin performing a ritual to ward off bad spirits
  11.  You will need some materials: forty-six kernels of candy corn, three Kit-Kats, a handful of Twizzlers, and half a pound of cocaine
  12.  Now mix all ingredients in your favorite cauldron
  13.  Let the other members lead you in chanting; they’ll know what to do
  14.  As you cast the spells, try not to think about how you have to study for that prelim on Tuesday
  15.  So, how’s your night going so far?
  16.  What’s your major?
  17.  Where are you from?
  18.  Omg do you know – Wait we don’t have time for this
  19.  Wait, when did you close your eyes?
  20.  Open your eyes, NOW!
  21.  When you open your eyes, you will notice you are all alone in your dorm bathroom, and have been tripping mad balls
  22.  When did you take something? I didn’t tell you to do that
  23.  You can’t go off message, man, or else this will never work
  24.  Go to sleep, you’ve had a long day
  25.  When you wake up, proceed through the day as usual: study, write your papers, and enjoy some sweets—it is Halloween, after all!
  26.  Okay it’s time to confront your dealer. I mean pharmacist. What did he give you?
  27.  Dude that’s not what you asked for. Find a new dealer. Pharmacist*
  28.  Wait, did the ritual work?
  29.  I think you have to wait 3-5 business days to see if it worked
  30.  Wait I have no idea what I’m doing. Why are you listening to me?
  31.  Maybe you should go take a nap or something. Get your life together.