October 31, 2016

31 Ways to Get in the Spirit of Halloween

Tired of dressing up as sexy bunnies and angel/devil pairs? Sick of trick-or-treating on North Campus? Here are some more ways to celebrate!

  1.  Dress up as a cat, and then release an actual feline into whatever party you’re going to. See if anyone notices it’s not really you
  2.  Walk up to your ex-boyfriend at the party and tell him Halloween doesn’t faze you, because his dick is the scariest thing you’ve ever seen
  3.  Run away faster than that cheetah you set free into the party
  4.  Go all the way to the arts quad and scale the side of the clock tower until you reach the eye of the jack-o-lantern
  5.  Once you’re up there, strip off your costume and wave it around like a flag
  6.  Continue to the inside of the clock tower
  7.  Wait for the other cult members to assemble
  8.  Just FYI, this is a BYOP (bring your own pumpkin) event
  9.  Home-grown pumpkins only
  10.  Now begin performing a ritual to ward off bad spirits
  11.  You will need some materials: forty-six kernels of candy corn, three Kit-Kats, a handful of Twizzlers, and half a pound of cocaine
  12.  Now mix all ingredients in your favorite cauldron
  13.  Let the other members lead you in chanting; they’ll know what to do
  14.  As you cast the spells, try not to think about how you have to study for that prelim on Tuesday
  15.  So, how’s your night going so far?
  16.  What’s your major?
  17.  Where are you from?
  18.  Omg do you know – Wait we don’t have time for this
  19.  Wait, when did you close your eyes?
  20.  Open your eyes, NOW!
  21.  When you open your eyes, you will notice you are all alone in your dorm bathroom, and have been tripping mad balls
  22.  When did you take something? I didn’t tell you to do that
  23.  You can’t go off message, man, or else this will never work
  24.  Go to sleep, you’ve had a long day
  25.  When you wake up, proceed through the day as usual: study, write your papers, and enjoy some sweets—it is Halloween, after all!
  26.  Okay it’s time to confront your dealer. I mean pharmacist. What did he give you?
  27.  Dude that’s not what you asked for. Find a new dealer. Pharmacist*
  28.  Wait, did the ritual work?
  29.  I think you have to wait 3-5 business days to see if it worked
  30.  Wait I have no idea what I’m doing. Why are you listening to me?
  31.  Maybe you should go take a nap or something. Get your life together.

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