BooOO! Halloween this year turned out to be one for the books. Never mind the ghastly costumes and unexpected frights; this holiday’s freakiest monsters were people so idiotic, they broke social distancing guidelines to go to a large party AND broadcast the whole thing on their Instagram stories! Scary!
These spectres haunted Collegetown throughout the night, blaring loud music and recording blurry panning videos of their 20-plus-person-hangouts. These eerie stories sent shivers down the spines of unsuspecting students on social media, who were petrified at the brazen displays of bad decision-making. Creepy!
The sight of Ivy League dolts bragging about their own stupid actions was too terrifying for words. How could anyone be idiotic enough to endanger the health of the broader campus community by hosting large gatherings and also so feeble-minded not to realize that literally anyone could record their Snapchats and get them in serious trouble?! Make it stop!
At least these modern-day ghouls let everyone know who they were so that they could be thoroughly avoided for the next 8-14 days. Talk about a silver lining!
This Halloween, you’re likely to run into scary clowns, ghosts, and even bloodied school children. You might hear stories about the vicious wolves, giant bats, or the others thousands of beasts that could tear your body apart, limb by limb. Yet, despite of all these distractions, always remember what the real monster is.
You might associate Halloween with a holiday to have fun, dress up in revealing costumes, and drink enough beer to land yourself in a stranger’s house with no memory of how you got there. However, while you’re dominating your friends in beer pong or stealing an Almond Joy from a 9-year old lost in Collegetown, keep your eyes open and your mind alert because the one true monster is out there.
Say, you don’t like parties? You’re still not out of the woods. While you spend the evening binge-watching Netflix, eating a disgusting amount of candy corn, and scrolling through the last five years of your ex’s Facebook timeline, be aware that the monster doesn’t have sympathy for introverts either. Yeah, those pictures of your ex are pretty scary, but the real monster is definitely scarier.
Oh, you may think you’ve made it through the night as you take a warm shower, brush your teeth, and wrap yourself tightly in bedsheets. But you’ll be wrong. The cozy corners of your room are the dark breeding grounds of death and perfect hiding places for what is out to get you. It’s hairier than your Aunt Beatrice’s lips that she insists on kissing you with every Thanksgiving dinner. It’s smellier than your roommate’s boyfriend’s neglected pile of laundry that seems to edge closer and closer to your side of the room every week. You’ve seen it in your worst nightmares. You’ve never imagined the day it would come for you. But now the monster is here. Happy Halloween.
Tired of dressing up as sexy bunnies and angel/devil pairs? Sick of trick-or-treating on North Campus? Here are some more ways to celebrate!
- Dress up as a cat, and then release an actual feline into whatever party you’re going to. See if anyone notices it’s not really you
- Walk up to your ex-boyfriend at the party and tell him Halloween doesn’t faze you, because his dick is the scariest thing you’ve ever seen
- Run away faster than that cheetah you set free into the party
- Go all the way to the arts quad and scale the side of the clock tower until you reach the eye of the jack-o-lantern
- Once you’re up there, strip off your costume and wave it around like a flag
- Continue to the inside of the clock tower
- Wait for the other cult members to assemble
- Just FYI, this is a BYOP (bring your own pumpkin) event
- Home-grown pumpkins only
- Now begin performing a ritual to ward off bad spirits
- You will need some materials: forty-six kernels of candy corn, three Kit-Kats, a handful of Twizzlers, and half a pound of cocaine
- Now mix all ingredients in your favorite cauldron
- Let the other members lead you in chanting; they’ll know what to do
- As you cast the spells, try not to think about how you have to study for that prelim on Tuesday
- So, how’s your night going so far?
- What’s your major?
- Where are you from?
- Omg do you know – Wait we don’t have time for this
- Wait, when did you close your eyes?
- Open your eyes, NOW!
- When you open your eyes, you will notice you are all alone in your dorm bathroom, and have been tripping mad balls
- When did you take something? I didn’t tell you to do that
- You can’t go off message, man, or else this will never work
- Go to sleep, you’ve had a long day
- When you wake up, proceed through the day as usual: study, write your papers, and enjoy some sweets—it is Halloween, after all!
- Okay it’s time to confront your dealer. I mean pharmacist. What did he give you?
- Dude that’s not what you asked for. Find a new dealer. Pharmacist*
- Wait, did the ritual work?
- I think you have to wait 3-5 business days to see if it worked
- Wait I have no idea what I’m doing. Why are you listening to me?
- Maybe you should go take a nap or something. Get your life together.
Whoops! Isn’t it awkward when you and your friend show up with the same costume to a Halloween party? Members of the Rho Upsilon Tau Fraternity got that in spades this weekend when every one of them showed up to the organization’s annual Halloween party dressed as a douchebag. Awk.
Communication goes a long way when trying to coordinate a costume with your best buds, which is something these frat stars need to figure out to avoid a similar disaster next year. Yikes!
You wouldn’t want to share the same costume as one person, let alone fifty-something similarly clad people parading around as assholes for the holiday. Talk about an awkward situation.
Also, someone should tell them the correct date to dress up, because this year their accidental group costume showed as early as Fall rush! Wow, talk about coincidence!