Tag Archives: Halloween

Spooky! Everybody Who Had a Halloween Party this Weekend Were Also Dumb Enough to Post About It

BooOO! Halloween this year turned out to be one for the books. Never mind the ghastly costumes and unexpected frights; this holiday’s freakiest monsters were people so idiotic, they broke social distancing guidelines to go to a large party AND broadcast the whole thing on their Instagram stories! Scary! 

These spectres haunted Collegetown throughout the night, blaring loud music and recording blurry panning videos of their 20-plus-person-hangouts. These eerie stories sent shivers down the spines of unsuspecting students on social media, who were petrified at the brazen displays of bad decision-making. Creepy!

The sight of Ivy League dolts bragging about their own stupid actions was too terrifying for words. How could anyone be idiotic enough to endanger the health of the broader campus community by hosting large gatherings and also so feeble-minded not to realize that literally anyone could record their Snapchats and get them in serious trouble?! Make it stop!

At least these modern-day ghouls let everyone know who they were so that they could be thoroughly avoided for the next 8-14 days. Talk about a silver lining! 

Noozventure! It’s your first Halloween night at college: can you find a rager on a Wednesday?

It’s your first Halloween in college, and it’s 8:30 p.m. You might have a prelim tomorrow, but you’re not gonna let that stop you from finding a wicked rager and grinding it up in your human-sized banana costume! Unfortunately, you have no idea where you might find a party, so you decide to strike out into the great unknown.

Do you go to:


Matt mentioned this party at a frat last weekend, but you can’t quite remember what it was called. Beta Theta Theta, maybe? You text him, but he doesn’t respond, so you decide to make your way to West Campus and just physically walk around looking for the parties. What do you do before you leave?


Now you’re stuck with 20 people who are all dressed as those assholes from Grease. Nice going, idiot—you’ve lost your mobility. Hampered by this cluster of loud noobs who look to you as their leader, you are tasked with finding the mysterious frat Matt mentioned that one time. Somehow, you feel more alone in this crowd than you did by yourself. So you head down the slope with your caravan of sexy cats and pumpkins. As you walk, you see that mysterious graveyard close by: You must have drifted slightly off course. The graveyard seems to be calling you—what do you do?


After a while, you realize you’ve been wandering around West Campus for way too long. The group ran across one party, but you weren’t allowed in because the group’s too big. It’s past midnight now, so you finally decide to break off of the group and head home. But as you walk across Ho Plaza, you see a procession of cloaked figures walking down the slope and chanting in a strange tongue. You think you can make out the Quill and Dagger seal on the back of the nearest walker, but can’t be sure. What do you do?


Good call, popcorn’s the move for a rainy Halloween night like this. You put a fluffy parka on over your banana costume into the crisp fall air. But as you walk alone on the damp dark sidewalk, mist gathers on all sides. Photorealistic jack-o-lanterns leer at you from the steps of Risley. An owl hoots above you, and you realize you haven’t seen a single soul since your dorm. How do you handle the spooky walk?


As you head back toward North Campus, your mind is full of self-loathing. How could you give up so fast? This is your first Halloween! As you walk along, second-guessing your decision and getting scared all over again by the same pumpkin you passed on your way out, you run right into a tall figure…it’s Martha Pollack! She greets you, sees your despair, and then offers you a proposition. She’s been looking for someone like you on a night like tonight, she says. She’s always dreamed of taking down Greek Life, but has been foiled time and again. She’ll find you a party, but in return… will you help her?


Oh geez, you really stepped in it now. The jack-o-lantern is satisfying to smash, but on your follow-through you swing the stick right into someone’s leg. You look up and see to your horror that it’s Martha Pollack! She greets you, sees your vulnerability, and then offers you a proposition. She’s been waiting for someone like you on a night like tonight, she says. She’s always dreamed of taking down Greek Life, but has been foiled time and again. She’ll find you a party, but in return… will you help her?


Martha gently guides you up to North, where a few big frat houses loom on the hills. She’s making kind conversation, but walks past a house that seems open. People with costumes are going in! You want to join! It might be your only hope! What do you do?


You shove your hands in your pockets and put your head down, banana-clad legs pumping. The mist as you walk over is thick and soupy, but you arrive in Ho Plaza without any spooky apparitions. Before you enter the Straight, however, you see a procession of cloaked figures walking down the slope and chanting in a strange tongue. You think you can make out the Quill and Dagger seal on the back of the nearest walker, but can’t be sure.

Do you:


You start after the hooded figures. They gotta be on the way to a fuckin’ rager. Right?. You walk down the slope behind them to the Memorial Tower. The chanting ahead of you grows louder. You try and work up the nerve to shout, “What’s up my dudes, what’s poppin? Where’s the party at?” but you can’t do it before the doors close behind them.

Do you:


Interesting reason to pick a location. It’s good to have goals, I guess, but what places in Ctown are going to be active on a Wednesday? You start the long walk to C-town, then spot a few moving lights in the distance. Could those be fellow party-seekers? You get closer and find a group of loud, rowdy people wearing costumes. It’s a pretty big group, so joining would be a risk, but you don’t know where you’re heading… what do you do?


You howled out loud, dummy. Now the group is staring at you. Maybe you’re drunker than you thought. In embarrassment, you dash off in a random direction, a road that looks somewhat lit up. As you slow down, you think you sort of recognize it…there’s a house at the end that is pulsing with music and festivity, and a few people in costumes are going inside. You might not know anyone there, but boy you’re tempted to crash!


Throwing caution to the wind, you embrace the sense of freedom that a banana onesie provides and nonchalantly infiltrate the throng of costumed partiers. You’re not sure where they’re going, but it’s gotta be better than standing in front of Hideaway on a Wednesday! You gradually make your way down the hill, deeper into Collegetown than you’ve been before, when you start to notice that this group is substantially older than your typical college town party-goers. In fact, you think you might recognize the familiar drawl of your Economics professor emanating from within a rubbery gorilla mask. They all seem friendly enough, even including you in their tipsy conversation, but you do wonder where they’ll end up.

How do you proceed?


You start making your way down to West Campus and trip over something on the slope. Is that…a zombie hand emerging from the ground?!

No. Come on, man. Calm down. It’s a bottle. You unearth the bottle and examine it. It looks like a vintage cabernet, but scribbled over the top of it in red Sharpie—or blood?—are the words, “Drink this and die.”



Question 1 of 14

This Halloween, Remember What the Real Monster Is

This Halloween, you’re likely to run into scary clowns, ghosts, and even bloodied school children. You might hear stories about the vicious wolves, giant bats, or the others thousands of beasts that could tear your body apart, limb by limb. Yet, despite of all these distractions, always remember what the real monster is.

You might associate Halloween with a holiday to have fun, dress up in revealing costumes, and drink enough beer to land yourself in a stranger’s house with no memory of how you got there. However, while you’re dominating your friends in beer pong or stealing an Almond Joy from a 9-year old lost in Collegetown, keep your eyes open and your mind alert because the one true monster is out there.

Say, you don’t like parties? You’re still not out of the woods. While you spend the evening binge-watching Netflix, eating a disgusting amount of candy corn, and scrolling through the last five years of your ex’s Facebook timeline, be aware that the monster doesn’t have sympathy for introverts either. Yeah, those pictures of your ex are pretty scary, but the real monster is definitely scarier.

Oh, you may think you’ve made it through the night as you take a warm shower, brush your teeth, and wrap yourself tightly in bedsheets. But you’ll be wrong. The cozy corners of your room are the dark breeding grounds of death and perfect hiding places for what is out to get you. It’s hairier than your Aunt Beatrice’s lips that she insists on kissing you with every Thanksgiving dinner. It’s smellier than your roommate’s boyfriend’s neglected pile of laundry that seems to edge closer and closer to your side of the room every week. You’ve seen it in your worst nightmares. You’ve never imagined the day it would come for you. But now the monster is here. Happy Halloween.

31 Ways to Get in the Spirit of Halloween

Tired of dressing up as sexy bunnies and angel/devil pairs? Sick of trick-or-treating on North Campus? Here are some more ways to celebrate!

  1.  Dress up as a cat, and then release an actual feline into whatever party you’re going to. See if anyone notices it’s not really you
  2.  Walk up to your ex-boyfriend at the party and tell him Halloween doesn’t faze you, because his dick is the scariest thing you’ve ever seen
  3.  Run away faster than that cheetah you set free into the party
  4.  Go all the way to the arts quad and scale the side of the clock tower until you reach the eye of the jack-o-lantern
  5.  Once you’re up there, strip off your costume and wave it around like a flag
  6.  Continue to the inside of the clock tower
  7.  Wait for the other cult members to assemble
  8.  Just FYI, this is a BYOP (bring your own pumpkin) event
  9.  Home-grown pumpkins only
  10.  Now begin performing a ritual to ward off bad spirits
  11.  You will need some materials: forty-six kernels of candy corn, three Kit-Kats, a handful of Twizzlers, and half a pound of cocaine
  12.  Now mix all ingredients in your favorite cauldron
  13.  Let the other members lead you in chanting; they’ll know what to do
  14.  As you cast the spells, try not to think about how you have to study for that prelim on Tuesday
  15.  So, how’s your night going so far?
  16.  What’s your major?
  17.  Where are you from?
  18.  Omg do you know – Wait we don’t have time for this
  19.  Wait, when did you close your eyes?
  20.  Open your eyes, NOW!
  21.  When you open your eyes, you will notice you are all alone in your dorm bathroom, and have been tripping mad balls
  22.  When did you take something? I didn’t tell you to do that
  23.  You can’t go off message, man, or else this will never work
  24.  Go to sleep, you’ve had a long day
  25.  When you wake up, proceed through the day as usual: study, write your papers, and enjoy some sweets—it is Halloween, after all!
  26.  Okay it’s time to confront your dealer. I mean pharmacist. What did he give you?
  27.  Dude that’s not what you asked for. Find a new dealer. Pharmacist*
  28.  Wait, did the ritual work?
  29.  I think you have to wait 3-5 business days to see if it worked
  30.  Wait I have no idea what I’m doing. Why are you listening to me?
  31.  Maybe you should go take a nap or something. Get your life together.

Awkward: This Entire Frat Went as Douchebags for Halloween!

Whoops! Isn’t it awkward when you and your friend show up with the same costume to a Halloween party? Members of the Rho Upsilon Tau Fraternity got that in spades this weekend when every one of them showed up to the organization’s annual Halloween party dressed as a douchebag. Awk.

Communication goes a long way when trying to coordinate a costume with your best buds, which is something these frat stars need to figure out to avoid a similar disaster next year. Yikes!

You wouldn’t want to share the same costume as one person, let alone fifty-something similarly clad people parading around as assholes for the holiday. Talk about an awkward situation.

Also, someone should tell them the correct date to dress up, because this year their accidental group costume showed as early as Fall rush! Wow, talk about coincidence!