Tag Archives: Freshmen

Ten Zany Lines to Say at Your In-Person Icebreakers That Will Have Everyone Wishing They Could Go Back Into Quarantine

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Hey, you! Yes, you, you nervous, wide-eyed, naive frosh! I bet you’re thinking right now about how you can impress your entire orientation group with a cool Icebreaker that’ll have the whole mandatory orientation group voluntarily nodding and laughing!

Well, STOP thinking about that. Icebreakers are about one thing: survival. You either escape the orientation group with absolutely no one remembering you, or you have the entire group telling their actual friends about that one fuck-up who thought they were the shit. Let that be somebody else. Everybody is finally interacting with other human beings for the first time in, like, two years. Do you really want to be the cringey blowhard that makes everyone mutter under their breath “God, put me back into fucking lockdown.”

So what can you do? Whatever you decide to say when you’re talking about your summer vacation or your family, DON’T say any of these. Wait until some other asshole says one of these, and then just calmly say, “Get a load of this guy!”

  1. “Oh, yeah, my older brother was actually the President of one of the frats that got banned.”

Oh, yeah, that’ll really impress all the girls in the group, you creep.

 

2. “Wow, this campus is awesome. I’m so glad Dad is paying for all this.”

Way to make yourself relatable to 0.1% of people in America (which, in all fairness, will probably be a good part of your orientation group at Cornell). 

 

3. “Oh hey everyone, guess we don’t have to unmute anymore!”

Get it? Because of the pandemic we all just went through? And how we all had to be on Zoom? Comedic genius here, everybody!

 

4. “My intended major? Partying!”

You could just say “Business” and everyone would be equally unimpressed.

 

5. “Oh, I had an awesome vacation in Hawaii, even though the natives were a bit upset that we were there.”

Holy fuck, are you here for the School of Colonial Administration?

 

6. “But the state schools don’t really count as Cornell, right?”

You seem more comfortable on some elitist college subreddit than you do interacting with other human beings. 

 

7. “That building we just passed? Yeah, that’s my last name too, haha.”

Slow down there, buddy. Next thing you know you’re gonna be detained by the FBI agent who was undercover in your orientation group.

 

8. “My favorite Cornell alumni has to be Andy Bernard!”

You did it! You are the billionth person to make that joke, and you’ve won a special prize: utter social ostracization.

 

9. “This was such a great orientation group! We should all hang out again in the future!”

That was the first funny thing you’ve said all tour.

 

10. “I didn’t get the vaccine.”

Save this one to the end of the tour to have everyone really in hysterics.

 

Erudite Scholar! This Engineer Actually Does The Optional Textbook Reading

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ZOOM—Obnoxiously trying to broaden his horizons and get the most out of his short time at Cornell, sophomore Alex Latell ‘23 is willing to go above and beyond the call of duty to understand Data Structures. 

“When I asked my friends their thoughts on last week’s optional reading, they originally looked at me like I grew two heads,” said Latell as he happily flashed the cover of his latest foray into understanding the human condition, Infinite Jest. “But after I elucidated to them the importance of furthering one’s intellectual horizons through devout dedication to one’s classes, they assured me they too would strive to study the optional readings.”

Emboldened by his growing brain, Latell even volunteered to lead his recitation session to the abject horror of his professor. “While I love to see students engage with the material, Mr. Latell has taken it a bit far,” said Professor Altman as he joyously moved Latell’s line-by-line commentary to the trash. “These readings are supposed to be for fun about topics that interest you, not more homework.”

Despite spending more time on the class than the rest of his friend group, Latell somehow received the worst grade on his prelim. He maintains that he was “surprised” none of the optional readings were on the prelim, but he would remain committed to “expanding his ever growing mental encyclopedia of non-essential knowledge.”

Social Distancing Win? I Got Lost

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While on a trek to Nasties for a 1:00 a.m. meatball sub, I suddenly realized that I was in what seemed to be a large forest. There wasn’t a soul in sight. You know what that means—I can let down my mask and breathe in the crisp fall air! No risk of COVID-19 transmission here!

Just me, myself, and I, as well as something that may have been a mountain lion. Or maybe it was a coyote? Either way, it wasn’t wearing a mask but was greater than six feet away, so I think that’s probably okay. Besides, it wasn’t coughing or anything, but boy can it growl!

Wait, do we even have mountain lions in Ithaca? Aren’t those more of a mountain thing? Am I in Vermont? I sure hope so, because they have the lowest number of cases per 100,000 residents of any state in the USA!

My phone died a while ago, so I can’t check Google Maps or anything—and more importantly, I can’t complete my Daily Check. Hopefully Cayuga Medical will understand that I’m practicing a more effective form of virus protection: walking so far into the countryside that I haven’t seen any lights in at least an hour.

If we all took such simple measures as venturing an unknown distance into a vast wilderness in the night, I bet we’d knock out the coronavirus in a jiffy. Health goals! I am getting very cold!

How To Justify To Marie Kondo That Empty Alcohol Bottles Bring You Joy

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It might feel like Ithaca winter will drag on forever, but spring cleaning time will be here before you know it. And who better to consult for advice than Marie Kondo, author of the best-selling “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up” and star of her eponymous Netflix series?

So here’s the dealio – Marie’s method tells us to reflect on each of our belongings (yes, even your crusty old mouthguard) and keep them only if they spark joy.

You might be tempted to toss that economics textbook, but remember: the textbook helps you pass the class, which helps you graduate with a degree in Finance, which will score you a cushy Wall Street job. And money sure brings you joy!

A way tougher conundrum comes in the form of those empty bottles of Svedka lining the top of your kitchen cabinets. Sure, knocking back a cold one brings you all sorts of joy, but Mrs. Kondo might insist that you thank the bottle for its service and discard it, now that it’s outlived its usefulness.

Not so fast! You’ve got a strong claim that those bottles are still presently bringing you joy.  They’re a reminder of a happier, simpler time, like last Thursday, when you downed a magnum bottle of Barefoot White Zinfandel by yourself in the dark because you got your fourth job rejection in a week. These bottles show you’re chill! You can hang! You’re one of the bros!

Sure, your mom might cry every time she walks into your dingy Collegetown apartment because her “worst fears have been realized” and you’re “turning out just like your father,” but think of how informational your collection is! Move over, FiveThirtyEight, this is a real-life infographic of all the fun you’ve had.

Armed with these arguments, you are prepared to stand up to Marie Kondo for your right to amass years of party remnants for all to see. Although, you could probably just avoid all of this conflict in the first place by passing on spring cleaning this go-around.

How To Tell If That Cool Girl In Your FWS Is Actually Cool Or Has Internalized Affectations Of The “Cool Girl” Role Due To Societal Pressures

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It’s true – that girl in MEDVL 1101: Young Idiots vs. Toxic Elders with you seems really cool. But is she actually cool, or is she just an angsty little ball of insecurity desperately yearning to be perceived as cool because she never got over her lack of friends in middle school? Here’s how you can tell the difference!

 

1.

She might seem busy when she swifty yet confidently flicks through her many notifications – but what if her phone isn’t buzzing with group chats, just duolingo reminders and twitter trends?

In order to discern if she’s feigning digital popularity, research if she’s constantly being bombarded by messaging that tells her that her worth and likeability are inexorably linked.

 

2.

Is she being honest, you wonder, when after making an insightful remark in class she leans over and conspiratorial whispers to you that she never did the reading?

This one’s simple! Just find out if her mother unintentionally reinforced the expectation that women be effortless in their intelligence and self-deprecating towards their accomplishments, and you have your answer.

 

3.

Fuck! Her confession that she felt isolated during her first month at Cornell but found a community she loves in a niche social activism group on campus only makes her cooler. Is she being real with you, or has she learned that slight vulnerability will disarm people who have been raised to be suspicious of and intimidated by self-confident women?

There’s an easy trick to tell! Just find out if she might have been subject to repeated social punishments for unabashed confidence from a young age!

 

4.

Her messy lob appears to be a product of her refusal to align with traditional standards of femininity, but she also could have seen a photo of Cara Delivigne and thought it would make her appear carefree and low-maintenance. Which was her influence? Are her bed-head waves the product of a few lazy squirts of a sea-salt spray or a daily 45-minute hair-curling routine?

Just think – has she, from a young age, internalized expectations about how women should always look effortlessly beautiful? Did she read YA fiction as a teen? Has she seen more than 5 movies made in the last 126 years? Does she know what a TV is? This should give you the insights you need!

 

Hopefully by now you’ve figured out whether the cool girl effortlessly displays the set of incidentally consumerist and deferential traits that fit the media’s stereotype of a cool girl independent from any social pressures! Now, you can go back to figuring out if the vocal Republican in the class really is “solidly middle-class” like he claims.

Inspiring: This Freshman Signed Up For a Class With None of the Prereqs and Now He’s Fucked

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It’s definitely not easy taking a class you know absolutely nothing about. But Luke Zhang ‘23 enrolled in PHYS 4230: Statistical Thermodynamics despite having taken none of its three prerequisite classes. And it was a huge mistake!

“I don’t really have the math background to be in this class. Or the physics background. But I figured I would catch on quickly enough,” said Zhang, who is now completely screwed.

Why not having the prerequisites for a class might discourage some students from enrolling, Luke is a true Cornellian and decided he should be pursuing any study, even if he was completely unprepared for the class and can’t understand any of the material.

A classmate reports that Zhang “really shouldn’t be in the class, adding that “[he] can’t even take an integral.” Let them hate—we believe in him!

Zhang certainly has his work cut out for him given his complete and utter lack of preparation, but his motivation and perseverance might help him scrape by with a passing grade. We’ll be rooting for him!

Out of Touch With Student Needs? I Said Hi to Martha Pollack And She Didn’t Say Hi Back

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I don’t know about you, but I think that given today’s on-campus climate, students need support more than ever. I expect school officials to bend over backwards to let students know they’re on our side. That’s why I was profoundly disappointed yesterday when I greeted Martha Pollack on the sidewalk and she… well, she didn’t say hi back.

I mean, completely fucking snubbed me! Justifiably, I’m outraged. I understand that to the University President, I must be just a lowly freshman, but I deserve a measure of respect from someone who supposedly has my best interest in mind.

Now, I realize that she will try to sweep my story under the rug by claiming she didn’t see me waving from across the street or couldn’t hear me because she was on the phone, but frankly I find these to be wholly unsatisfactory excuses for withholding the decency I deserve.

Just another example of the holier-than-thou administration flagrantly ignoring student needs and making no effort to create a welcoming campus environment. Shame on you, Martha—shame on you.

 

Move-In Disaster: This Freshman Only Brought Fireworks and Spider Lamps

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Look, we all know the freshman struggle, stressing about what to bring to school and making sure we have everything we need for the first year of college. And hey, maybe you forgot to bring a few things, or maybe even took along something prohibited by mistake! But one freshman this year takes the cake for biggest move-in blunders. Devon Mackenzie ’20 showed up at Court Hall with – get this – seven boxes of fireworks and spider lamps, and nothing else.


via GIPHY

Devon! What were you thinking?!?

I mean, you’ve got to feel a little bad for this kid. How was he supposed to know that explosives and potentially dangerous lighting fixtures weren’t going to fly in CKB? Mistakes happen, and I understand that. But honestly, this guy didn’t even bring a toothbrush or an extra pair of socks. Literally only fireworks and spider lamps. In college, that just won’t cut it.


via GIPHY

I don’t know where you’re from, Devon, but here in Ithaca we do things a bit differently. If you want to survive four years at Cornell University, you’re going to need to get a good winter coat, a durable pair of boots, and you’ll really need to talk to the police about all of those fireworks.

21 FWS Names I’m Ashamed To Have On My Transcript

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1) FWS: Let’s Play — I got a C- in Yahtzee.

2) FWS: Modern Romance: Dating and Relationships Among Young Adults — “Hot tip,” said my sixty-year-old professor, “say, ‘Hiya toots!’ by the jukebox, and y be doing the jitterbug in no time.”

3) FWS: Talk. Writing is for Pussies — Okay, fine, this one isn’t real.

4) FWS: Yogurt? — The jury’s still out.

5) FWS: Sluts and Hoes — Yep. Very ashamed of this one.

6) FWS: Pin The Tail On Stuart — Stuart had a really bad time.

7) FWS: Fuck — God dammit.

8) FWS: Feminism For Men — Surprisingly, the same as feminism for women, just with one picture of a monster truck.

9) FWS: Everyone Gets A B+ — I got a B.

10) FWS: Be Christian — On day 1, they took us to Sage Chapel and baptized us.

11) FWS: Ian? — WHERE IS HEEEE???

12) FWS: My Mom’s A Bitch — She made him eat grapes, and he doesn’t like grapes.

13) FWS: Meditation for Beginners, Just Breathing — *sigh*

14) FWS: I’ve Got the Almond Milk Blues — We were all lactose intolerant except for Gary, who’s just really sad about almond milk.

15) FWS: Want My Old Skateboard? — No.

16) FWS: Crabs, Sexy???? — No.

17) FWS: Canada Is Technically A Country — No.

18) FWS: Urethras In The 21st Century — They were all pretty urethra-y.

19) FWS: One Unbelievably Well-Woven Basket — The basket got an A+.

20) FWS: Geronimo! — For the first two weeks, we just jumped off of medium-sized ledges onto a gymnastics pad.

21) FWS: Jumanji For Dummies — We just watched Jumanji at half speed.

Oopsies! This Naughty Little Freshman Showed Up To His Swim Test In A Tiny, Tiny Speedo

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Darren Stintman “thought” he was just gonna take your regular ol’ garden variety swim test, but when he arrived at Helen-Newman, Darren “realized” he had made a big no-no. He showed up to the swim test in just a tiny, tiny speedo. Nothing else!

Despite repeated pleading from the instructor that Darren go home and change into something appropriate, Darren insisted that he “had made such a silly, silly mistake” and needed to “deal with the repercussion of his little accident.”

“Honestly, this was to be expected,” said the president of the Cornell Kink Club. “Darren has been, and always will be, a very bad boy. In fact, if he accidentally does this one more time, someone’s gonna have to penalize him for being so naughty.”

At the end of the test, the instructor realized that Darren had already passed the swim test, and was just doing this again for some reason. When questioned why, Darren replied that “he felt he didn’t deserve it the first time on account of his naughtiness.”