Tag Archives: Douchebag

Class Traitor? Classmate Didn’t Give Me A 100% On Our Peer Graded Quiz

BAILEY HALL—This past Tuesday, in what has been a most shocking act of sabotage and treachery, Isabella Palacio 23’ received a less than a perfect score on her peer graded assessment at the hands of her classmate-turned-archnemesis Toby Grimes 22’.  

“I’m on the edge of tears just talking about it,” remarked Palacio, clearly fighting back some kind of emotional breakdown. “I mean, I just didn’t see it coming. We have sat in the same row in this auditorium for months now, we might as well be roommates. Last week, our backpacks even grazed against each other as we were leaving. I just cannot believe he betrayed me like that after all we have been through together.”  

With the knife still fresh in her back, Palacio was able to stumble out of the class without facing too much humiliation from her professor and peers. Witnesses described the situation between the two as a “heartbreaking example of raw humanity.” But even this devastation could not sway Palacio’s cold and unfeeling classmate.  

“Before Tuesday, I had literally never seen this girl in my entire life,” Grimes defended. “Besides, I thought we were supposed to grade truthfully, and I am a man of my word. This chick needs to be held accountable for her misunderstanding of Bayes Rule, as I am sure this economic principle will be critical to her future. How could I let her go in good conscience knowing that she doesn’t understand how to calculate p?”

The scene between Grimes and Palacio evidently left its mark. The subsequent Ed discussion had Grimes listed in a wanted ad, with a petition for his immediate expulsion and removal from the class for “the ultimate kiss of Judas, but not in a sexy way.”

Ten Zany Lines to Say at Your In-Person Icebreakers That Will Have Everyone Wishing They Could Go Back Into Quarantine

Hey, you! Yes, you, you nervous, wide-eyed, naive frosh! I bet you’re thinking right now about how you can impress your entire orientation group with a cool Icebreaker that’ll have the whole mandatory orientation group voluntarily nodding and laughing!

Well, STOP thinking about that. Icebreakers are about one thing: survival. You either escape the orientation group with absolutely no one remembering you, or you have the entire group telling their actual friends about that one fuck-up who thought they were the shit. Let that be somebody else. Everybody is finally interacting with other human beings for the first time in, like, two years. Do you really want to be the cringey blowhard that makes everyone mutter under their breath “God, put me back into fucking lockdown.”

So what can you do? Whatever you decide to say when you’re talking about your summer vacation or your family, DON’T say any of these. Wait until some other asshole says one of these, and then just calmly say, “Get a load of this guy!”

  1. “Oh, yeah, my older brother was actually the President of one of the frats that got banned.”

Oh, yeah, that’ll really impress all the girls in the group, you creep.

 

2. “Wow, this campus is awesome. I’m so glad Dad is paying for all this.”

Way to make yourself relatable to 0.1% of people in America (which, in all fairness, will probably be a good part of your orientation group at Cornell). 

 

3. “Oh hey everyone, guess we don’t have to unmute anymore!”

Get it? Because of the pandemic we all just went through? And how we all had to be on Zoom? Comedic genius here, everybody!

 

4. “My intended major? Partying!”

You could just say “Business” and everyone would be equally unimpressed.

 

5. “Oh, I had an awesome vacation in Hawaii, even though the natives were a bit upset that we were there.”

Holy fuck, are you here for the School of Colonial Administration?

 

6. “But the state schools don’t really count as Cornell, right?”

You seem more comfortable on some elitist college subreddit than you do interacting with other human beings. 

 

7. “That building we just passed? Yeah, that’s my last name too, haha.”

Slow down there, buddy. Next thing you know you’re gonna be detained by the FBI agent who was undercover in your orientation group.

 

8. “My favorite Cornell alumni has to be Andy Bernard!”

You did it! You are the billionth person to make that joke, and you’ve won a special prize: utter social ostracization.

 

9. “This was such a great orientation group! We should all hang out again in the future!”

That was the first funny thing you’ve said all tour.

 

10. “I didn’t get the vaccine.”

Save this one to the end of the tour to have everyone really in hysterics.

 

My GPA Is Higher Than Yours, and Other Reasons Why I Should Go To Hell

I’ve got a pretty high GPA. I’m not going to lie about it or act humble, because it’s something I’m proud of. And you know what? That’s only one part of the multi-faceted argument for why I should go straight to hell.

Let’s not waste a ton of time belaboring this point. My GPA is a 4.13. I understand that’s pretty annoying to hear, but I’m not even close to finished explaining why I should be damned to suffer for all eternity.

Where to begin?

To start off, I’m definitely more comfortable in social situations than you. People think I’m charismatic, I’m an affable person, and I can just go fuck myself. Honestly. I have such a way with words. Natural leadership runs in my DNA. Fuck me, right?

Next, school is pretty intuitive. I almost never study for tests. I write entire essays in one sitting. And I’m a cocksucking son of a bitch to boot.

My luck is impeccable. I make great investments, and have made a lot of money through smart decisions. I win a lot of contests, not necessarily because I’m better than my competitors, but because I just win. I am an object of hate who must be stopped.

I landed one of the best internships for the summer just by networking among smug bastards similar to myself.

But I think one of the biggest reasons I should go to hell is that I’m genuinely happy all the time. Nothing dampens my spirit. So I implore you, open your eyes to this undeserving wretch and send him back to Hades where he belongs.

Oh, and I’m also pretty humble about my success too.

Can You Identify All Your Frat Brothers?

You may think you’re done rushing, but you gotta know all your brothers by now, or you’re not really one of us. How bad do you want to be one of us?

1. Yo, who’s this?alastair

 

 
 

2. We thought we’d start you off with an easy one. Now, can you tell me who this is?

alastair

 
 

3. That was Andrew. But don’t think you’re done yet, because we’ve got more brothers than that. Who’s this one?

alastair

 
 

4. Jeremy and I go way back. We grew up together. Okay, bro, how about this one?

alastair

 
 

5. Tyler once beat this guy up when he tried to hit on my girlfriend. He’s a good guy. Next one:

alastair

 
 

6. Oh man, Mike did me a real solid last week filling in to sober for me. That’s just what brothers do for each other. Alright, we got some more:

alastair

 
 

7. The Squeege once saved me from getting hit by a car. That’s how close frat brothers get. You might get that close with this dude, if you know who he is…

alastair

 
 

8. Stanky Jeff delivered my younger sister when my mom gave birth. Guys in the same frat are always there for each other for life. Who is this one?

 
 

9. That was a trick question. He’s not in the frat; he doesn’t have the look of a brother. This gentleman on the other hand…

alastair

 
 

10. Slag went back in time and saved one of my ancestors from dying of the plague so that my family could continue, and I would eventually be born. That’s just what bros do. Alright, here’s the last one.

alastair

 
 


Awkward: This Entire Frat Went as Douchebags for Halloween!

Whoops! Isn’t it awkward when you and your friend show up with the same costume to a Halloween party? Members of the Rho Upsilon Tau Fraternity got that in spades this weekend when every one of them showed up to the organization’s annual Halloween party dressed as a douchebag. Awk.

Communication goes a long way when trying to coordinate a costume with your best buds, which is something these frat stars need to figure out to avoid a similar disaster next year. Yikes!

You wouldn’t want to share the same costume as one person, let alone fifty-something similarly clad people parading around as assholes for the holiday. Talk about an awkward situation.

Also, someone should tell them the correct date to dress up, because this year their accidental group costume showed as early as Fall rush! Wow, talk about coincidence!