February 4, 2016

My GPA Is Higher Than Yours, and Other Reasons Why I Should Go To Hell

I’ve got a pretty high GPA. I’m not going to lie about it or act humble, because it’s something I’m proud of. And you know what? That’s only one part of the multi-faceted argument for why I should go straight to hell.

Let’s not waste a ton of time belaboring this point. My GPA is a 4.13. I understand that’s pretty annoying to hear, but I’m not even close to finished explaining why I should be damned to suffer for all eternity.

Where to begin?

To start off, I’m definitely more comfortable in social situations than you. People think I’m charismatic, I’m an affable person, and I can just go fuck myself. Honestly. I have such a way with words. Natural leadership runs in my DNA. Fuck me, right?

Next, school is pretty intuitive. I almost never study for tests. I write entire essays in one sitting. And I’m a cocksucking son of a bitch to boot.

My luck is impeccable. I make great investments, and have made a lot of money through smart decisions. I win a lot of contests, not necessarily because I’m better than my competitors, but because I just win. I am an object of hate who must be stopped.

I landed one of the best internships for the summer just by networking among smug bastards similar to myself.

But I think one of the biggest reasons I should go to hell is that I’m genuinely happy all the time. Nothing dampens my spirit. So I implore you, open your eyes to this undeserving wretch and send him back to Hades where he belongs.

Oh, and I’m also pretty humble about my success too.

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