Tag Archives: Academics

Class Traitor? Classmate Didn’t Give Me A 100% On Our Peer Graded Quiz

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BAILEY HALL—This past Tuesday, in what has been a most shocking act of sabotage and treachery, Isabella Palacio 23’ received a less than a perfect score on her peer graded assessment at the hands of her classmate-turned-archnemesis Toby Grimes 22’.  

“I’m on the edge of tears just talking about it,” remarked Palacio, clearly fighting back some kind of emotional breakdown. “I mean, I just didn’t see it coming. We have sat in the same row in this auditorium for months now, we might as well be roommates. Last week, our backpacks even grazed against each other as we were leaving. I just cannot believe he betrayed me like that after all we have been through together.”  

With the knife still fresh in her back, Palacio was able to stumble out of the class without facing too much humiliation from her professor and peers. Witnesses described the situation between the two as a “heartbreaking example of raw humanity.” But even this devastation could not sway Palacio’s cold and unfeeling classmate.  

“Before Tuesday, I had literally never seen this girl in my entire life,” Grimes defended. “Besides, I thought we were supposed to grade truthfully, and I am a man of my word. This chick needs to be held accountable for her misunderstanding of Bayes Rule, as I am sure this economic principle will be critical to her future. How could I let her go in good conscience knowing that she doesn’t understand how to calculate p?”

The scene between Grimes and Palacio evidently left its mark. The subsequent Ed discussion had Grimes listed in a wanted ad, with a petition for his immediate expulsion and removal from the class for “the ultimate kiss of Judas, but not in a sexy way.”

Awkward! Professor Keeps Putting Ugly Pet On Zoom

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ZOOM—Torturing his students with the horrific sight of his cat Muffins, Cornell ethics professor Daniel Shrocket made it a point to direct his camera front-and-center whenever his frightful bundle of hairballs stalked across his room.

Students in the class have expressed their inability to discern why anyone would adopt such a beast, but have selflessly banded together, noting that it’s in their best interest to keep that to themselves. “Whenever the professor turns the camera on it, I feel the bile gathering in the back of my mouth,” said Alexis Santos ‘23. “Then I realize that the professor controls my grade so I give it three ‘awwwws,’ and I enquire how old the ugly little shit is.”

Those unfortunate enough to attend the professor’s office hours face even greater frights. Andrea Yankoto ‘23 has resorted to skipping class after one virtual encounter with the cat’s mangled fur and protruding teeth. “All I wanted was to clarify an essay’s due date, but when I joined Professor Shrocket was just sitting there stroking his feline like a Bond-villain. Then he asked me ‘isn’t Muffins the cutest,’” recounted Yankoto, eyes glazed. “I just froze. I don’t have the heart to tell him, but god damn that thing is ugly.”

Contrary to his students’ beliefs, Shrocket privately revealed that he is aware of the repulsiveness of his furball; the professor remarked that he “only fondles the little beast to watch the class squirm and kiss ass over their grades.”

Erudite Scholar! This Engineer Actually Does The Optional Textbook Reading

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ZOOM—Obnoxiously trying to broaden his horizons and get the most out of his short time at Cornell, sophomore Alex Latell ‘23 is willing to go above and beyond the call of duty to understand Data Structures. 

“When I asked my friends their thoughts on last week’s optional reading, they originally looked at me like I grew two heads,” said Latell as he happily flashed the cover of his latest foray into understanding the human condition, Infinite Jest. “But after I elucidated to them the importance of furthering one’s intellectual horizons through devout dedication to one’s classes, they assured me they too would strive to study the optional readings.”

Emboldened by his growing brain, Latell even volunteered to lead his recitation session to the abject horror of his professor. “While I love to see students engage with the material, Mr. Latell has taken it a bit far,” said Professor Altman as he joyously moved Latell’s line-by-line commentary to the trash. “These readings are supposed to be for fun about topics that interest you, not more homework.”

Despite spending more time on the class than the rest of his friend group, Latell somehow received the worst grade on his prelim. He maintains that he was “surprised” none of the optional readings were on the prelim, but he would remain committed to “expanding his ever growing mental encyclopedia of non-essential knowledge.”

Bold! CUPB Assumes Hannibal Buress Funnier Over Zoom Than My Technologically Inept 86-Year-Old Economics Professor

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This post is sponsored by CUPB! Cornell University Program Board is proud to (virtually) welcome Hannibal Buress, a cast member on Broad City and co-host on the Eric Andre Show.

This FREE moderated and audience Q&A is only open to the Cornell Community on a first come, first serve basis. Hannibal will be reading your questions, so if you have any, fill out this form: https://forms.gle/uvMLdWGQq5oeLrXu6

To register for the zoom webinar, click below: https://zoom.us/webinar/register/WN_vVW_R8pRQM6oqREpVL_6cw

This FREE event is open to Cornell students, faculty, and staff.

I just found out that Hannibal Buress will be headlining CUPB’s Spring Comedy Show… virtually. Look, I love Hannibal – insanely funny guy – but just so that we’re clear: no matter what he brings to the table during his event this Friday, he will never be half as funny over Zoom as my 86-year-old economics professor, John Elkridge. 

 Like a lot of people, I was a little disappointed when we were told about the transition to online classes, but honestly, I have never had a better semester at Cornell. I haven’t arrived early to a single in-person class. But ever since Professor Elkridge has been forced to hold classes over Zoom, I line up overnight for this class. Heck, I’ll Zoom in with my parents sometimes.

Yesterday, I tuned into class 20 minutes early. I was the only other person in the conference, and watched with glee as the former Chair of the Economics Department was already 14 slides into presenting a PowerPoint that he had physically printed out and was holding in the wrong direction of the camera. Legendary. 

I get it, Hannibal’s been on all these big shows and has his own fancy stand-up specials– whatever. He will never bring me as much joy as when I heard a frustrated Nobel Laureate in pajama pants yell “God damn it, Arlene, the fish are back” when a ‘Baby Shark’ e-card from his great-grandkids appeared as his virtual background. Comedy. Gold. 

So yes, I’ll be watching Hannibal’s Zoom thing on Friday, but good luck coming close to matching the comedic stylings of a confused older person forced to try new things… on camera.

How To Tell If That Cool Girl In Your FWS Is Actually Cool Or Has Internalized Affectations Of The “Cool Girl” Role Due To Societal Pressures

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It’s true – that girl in MEDVL 1101: Young Idiots vs. Toxic Elders with you seems really cool. But is she actually cool, or is she just an angsty little ball of insecurity desperately yearning to be perceived as cool because she never got over her lack of friends in middle school? Here’s how you can tell the difference!

 

1.

She might seem busy when she swifty yet confidently flicks through her many notifications – but what if her phone isn’t buzzing with group chats, just duolingo reminders and twitter trends?

In order to discern if she’s feigning digital popularity, research if she’s constantly being bombarded by messaging that tells her that her worth and likeability are inexorably linked.

 

2.

Is she being honest, you wonder, when after making an insightful remark in class she leans over and conspiratorial whispers to you that she never did the reading?

This one’s simple! Just find out if her mother unintentionally reinforced the expectation that women be effortless in their intelligence and self-deprecating towards their accomplishments, and you have your answer.

 

3.

Fuck! Her confession that she felt isolated during her first month at Cornell but found a community she loves in a niche social activism group on campus only makes her cooler. Is she being real with you, or has she learned that slight vulnerability will disarm people who have been raised to be suspicious of and intimidated by self-confident women?

There’s an easy trick to tell! Just find out if she might have been subject to repeated social punishments for unabashed confidence from a young age!

 

4.

Her messy lob appears to be a product of her refusal to align with traditional standards of femininity, but she also could have seen a photo of Cara Delivigne and thought it would make her appear carefree and low-maintenance. Which was her influence? Are her bed-head waves the product of a few lazy squirts of a sea-salt spray or a daily 45-minute hair-curling routine?

Just think – has she, from a young age, internalized expectations about how women should always look effortlessly beautiful? Did she read YA fiction as a teen? Has she seen more than 5 movies made in the last 126 years? Does she know what a TV is? This should give you the insights you need!

 

Hopefully by now you’ve figured out whether the cool girl effortlessly displays the set of incidentally consumerist and deferential traits that fit the media’s stereotype of a cool girl independent from any social pressures! Now, you can go back to figuring out if the vocal Republican in the class really is “solidly middle-class” like he claims.

Quiz: Is Your Major Hopeless Enough That You Have to Marry Rich?

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Life planning sure is important. Lucky for you, we’re here to help you strategize. Take this quiz to determine whether or not your academic path suggests that you should marry rich.

1. What feelings does the phrase “prelim szn” evoke in you?

 
 
 

2. How many times this week have you heard a classmate say: “building on that,” “jumping off that point,” or something similar?

 
 
 

3. How many hours of sleep did you get last night?

 
 
 

4. What’s your go-to on-campus eatery?

 
 
 

5. What’s your proudest achievement at Cornell?

 
 
 

Power Move: TA Uses Lecture Hall Microphone in Discussion Section of 12 Students

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A small discussion section for ECON 3120 got more than they bargained for Thursday morning when TA Tyler Kettle whipped out a large headset microphone clearly intended for use in a large auditorium.

“Let’s start by going over the syllabus…” Tyler started, acting confident that his dominance had been asserted while fumbling with the equipment after realizing it wasn’t on.

Despite being asked by the Professor in a neighboring classroom to quiet down just six minutes into the fifty-minute discussion, Kettle kept the powered-off hardware around his neck for the entirety of the section.  

“I’ve had like five classes in rooms like this and they definitely don’t come with mics, let alone headsets,” said Jennifer O’Neil ’21. “He had to have brought that thing from home.” 

With big mic energy like that, Kettle is either well on his way to a gilded Assistant Professorship at Ohio State or a casting call for the next round of ShamWow commercials. Regardless, we’re expecting to see big things from Tyler this semester, even while each student gradually switches to other discussion sections.  

Inspiring: This Freshman Signed Up For a Class With None of the Prereqs and Now He’s Fucked

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It’s definitely not easy taking a class you know absolutely nothing about. But Luke Zhang ‘23 enrolled in PHYS 4230: Statistical Thermodynamics despite having taken none of its three prerequisite classes. And it was a huge mistake!

“I don’t really have the math background to be in this class. Or the physics background. But I figured I would catch on quickly enough,” said Zhang, who is now completely screwed.

Why not having the prerequisites for a class might discourage some students from enrolling, Luke is a true Cornellian and decided he should be pursuing any study, even if he was completely unprepared for the class and can’t understand any of the material.

A classmate reports that Zhang “really shouldn’t be in the class, adding that “[he] can’t even take an integral.” Let them hate—we believe in him!

Zhang certainly has his work cut out for him given his complete and utter lack of preparation, but his motivation and perseverance might help him scrape by with a passing grade. We’ll be rooting for him!

Best Day Ever? This Physics Lecture Was Canceled Because the Professor Was in the Hospital

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Classes haven’t even been going for a week, but today the students of PHYS 2207 received the best news they’ll get all semester—when they all arrived at class this morning, they were informed that lecture was canceled because their professor was in the hospital!

Talk about good fortune!

Some days you just get lucky. Maybe you get a large coffee when you paid for a medium, or you stepped in a puddle that turned out to be frozen solid. But none of those compare to finding out your class is canceled due to your professor’s need for emergency care!

via GIPHY

Some students were even able to stay in bed, since they didn’t get up before the professor was rushed across Ithaca and lecture was canceled! What a way to start the new semester off right.

“Score! I heard rumors that we were going to have a pop quiz in class today but now I’m free,” exclaimed an overjoyed Gary Barnard ’20 on his way to a luxurious, 50-minute breakfast. “I hope the professor’s okay.”

Future physics and engineering majors, consider adding PHYS 2207! You may get lucky and have a bunch of classes cancelled, depending on how well the professor recovers