Tag Archives: O-Week

Ten Zany Lines to Say at Your In-Person Icebreakers That Will Have Everyone Wishing They Could Go Back Into Quarantine

Hey, you! Yes, you, you nervous, wide-eyed, naive frosh! I bet you’re thinking right now about how you can impress your entire orientation group with a cool Icebreaker that’ll have the whole mandatory orientation group voluntarily nodding and laughing!

Well, STOP thinking about that. Icebreakers are about one thing: survival. You either escape the orientation group with absolutely no one remembering you, or you have the entire group telling their actual friends about that one fuck-up who thought they were the shit. Let that be somebody else. Everybody is finally interacting with other human beings for the first time in, like, two years. Do you really want to be the cringey blowhard that makes everyone mutter under their breath “God, put me back into fucking lockdown.”

So what can you do? Whatever you decide to say when you’re talking about your summer vacation or your family, DON’T say any of these. Wait until some other asshole says one of these, and then just calmly say, “Get a load of this guy!”

  1. “Oh, yeah, my older brother was actually the President of one of the frats that got banned.”

Oh, yeah, that’ll really impress all the girls in the group, you creep.


2. “Wow, this campus is awesome. I’m so glad Dad is paying for all this.”

Way to make yourself relatable to 0.1% of people in America (which, in all fairness, will probably be a good part of your orientation group at Cornell). 


3. “Oh hey everyone, guess we don’t have to unmute anymore!”

Get it? Because of the pandemic we all just went through? And how we all had to be on Zoom? Comedic genius here, everybody!


4. “My intended major? Partying!”

You could just say “Business” and everyone would be equally unimpressed.


5. “Oh, I had an awesome vacation in Hawaii, even though the natives were a bit upset that we were there.”

Holy fuck, are you here for the School of Colonial Administration?


6. “But the state schools don’t really count as Cornell, right?”

You seem more comfortable on some elitist college subreddit than you do interacting with other human beings. 


7. “That building we just passed? Yeah, that’s my last name too, haha.”

Slow down there, buddy. Next thing you know you’re gonna be detained by the FBI agent who was undercover in your orientation group.


8. “My favorite Cornell alumni has to be Andy Bernard!”

You did it! You are the billionth person to make that joke, and you’ve won a special prize: utter social ostracization.


9. “This was such a great orientation group! We should all hang out again in the future!”

That was the first funny thing you’ve said all tour.


10. “I didn’t get the vaccine.”

Save this one to the end of the tour to have everyone really in hysterics.


Move-In Disaster: This Freshman Only Brought Fireworks and Spider Lamps

Look, we all know the freshman struggle, stressing about what to bring to school and making sure we have everything we need for the first year of college. And hey, maybe you forgot to bring a few things, or maybe even took along something prohibited by mistake! But one freshman this year takes the cake for biggest move-in blunders. Devon Mackenzie ’20 showed up at Court Hall with – get this – seven boxes of fireworks and spider lamps, and nothing else.


Devon! What were you thinking?!?

I mean, you’ve got to feel a little bad for this kid. How was he supposed to know that explosives and potentially dangerous lighting fixtures weren’t going to fly in CKB? Mistakes happen, and I understand that. But honestly, this guy didn’t even bring a toothbrush or an extra pair of socks. Literally only fireworks and spider lamps. In college, that just won’t cut it.


I don’t know where you’re from, Devon, but here in Ithaca we do things a bit differently. If you want to survive four years at Cornell University, you’re going to need to get a good winter coat, a durable pair of boots, and you’ll really need to talk to the police about all of those fireworks.

Sorry Mom! This Freshman Hired An Olympic Weightlifter To Help Him Move In

Life hack alert! This seriously smart freshman Jacob Rodkin ‘20 decided enough was enough and hired an olympic weightlifter to help him move in instead of his own mother! Sorry mom, but this move-in just got jacked!

Rodkin says the idea came to him when he was watching the Olympics and realized how much stronger an Olympic athlete is than the caring, warm-hearted person who raised him for the entirety of his life. “I simply realized that, physically, my mother is weak and scrawny. While an olympic weightlifter is big and strong,” Rodkin stated with triumph at his own idea.

When approached for comment, Rodkin’s mother, the woman who bursts into tears at the sheer thought of Rodkin leaving her for a new chapter of his life, was nowhere to be found.

Sweet! This Wet Bag of Socks from the Dump and Run Was Only Five Dollars!

Safe to say, I’ve had mixed success at the Dump and Run in the past. I’ve bought TVs that didn’t work, and mini-fridges that leaked. But this year I definitely struck gold at the Helen Newman yard sale when I found this wet bag of socks for only five bucks.

Bargain? I think so.

I went to get some furniture for my new apartment, but all the couches and chairs I looked at were broken. I was about to leave, disappointed that I couldn’t find anything worth my cash. That’s when I saw that dripping sack, and I thought it was exactly what my living room needed. You really can find anything at the D&R!

To whoever decided to give away all their damp footwear, thank you! It’s in great condition, I honestly can’t believe you would part with it. But hey, it’s mine now and I’ll try to treat this pile of sweaty clothing as well as you did.

If you get the chance, go out to the Dump and Run while you can still get all the good stuff like I did. You can bet I’ll be over there later today because I still need a toothbrush!