Tag Archives: coronavirus

Finally! New “3-S” University Initiative Encourages Vaccinated Students To Spit, Stomp, and Shit On The Unvaccinated

DAY HALL—As more and more students have become fully vaccinated in the past weeks, President Martha Pollack announced earlier this morning a new university measure to encourage unvaccinated students to receive a COVID-19 shot. The initiative introduces an innovative approach for a move towards normalcy, requiring all vaccinated students to take advantage of their immunity through maskless, physical violence against the unvaxxed. About time!

“This year has really been difficult for all students, and I wanted to allow those who have been working hard to protect themselves while letting off some steam. I really do care about the mental health of our vaxxed students. So, I thought I should kill two birds with one stone by creating a Cornell-synthesized hierarchical class structure that places the puny, pathetic, vaxx-less on the bottom where they belong,” commented Pollack, wiping blood off of her hands before chugging a Keystone. “Now, students can beat the fucking shit out of their weaker peers at anytime. Stomp, spit, and shit on those primitive troglodytes! We’re in a return to normalcy, baby! WOOHOOOO!!!!” 

“I really feel as though the Cornell community has been brought even closer with this initiative,” says Kayla Benigni ‘23, “Like, I feel like the world is finally healing.” Sighs of relief have been heard all throughout campus after Pollack’s announcement, followed by the sounds, sights, and smells of sweet, sweet abuse. 

The university will be dedicating facilities to the “3-S” Initiative, developing a space that anyone in need of an emotional outlet can use. The space will house several involuntarily unvaccinated human punching bags who you can tell based on their trembling are super excited to be contributing to such a noble cause! The “(Big) Red Room” will be replacing the current mental health resource offices in the Cornell Health building. Talk about progress!

Quiz: Is He a Republican or Did He Just Forget His Mask at Home?

You’re walking through Ho Plaza, and you see a guy your age wearing flannel, which is a red flag already, but: uh oh! What’s that you see? He’s not wearing a mask! You quickly move through the five stages of grief reckoning with the fact he is definitely a Trump supporter who believes dead Biden supporters stole the election,
until you realize it’s possible he might’ve just, like… forgotten it? How do you know?

We’ve got you covered. Take this quiz to find out!

1. Is he taking your mask off with his eyes?


2. Does he look unconcerned while wearing a red baseball cap?


3. Is he maintaining social distancing?


4. Does he refer to women as ‘females’?


5. Does his name have “the Third” or “the Fourth” in it?


6. Has he ever read a book by Ayn Rand and not thought, “gross”?


7. Does he jerk off to stock market reports?


8. Does he use the word “actually” at least once a day?


9. Does he suddenly get very defensive when someone mentions Harry Styles?


10. Was he nowhere to be found on November 7th?


Happy Thanksgiving! Thousands of Disease-Ridden Students Sent Home to Families In True Colonizer Spirit

In light of the growing number of COVID cases and the approaching holiday season, hoards of infected students have returned home to their families to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday like it was originally celebrated: with the spreading of potentially lethal infectious diseases. 

“Lately I’ve been trying to become more in touch with my colonizer roots,” said local conqueror Margaret Coughlin ‘23.  “Plus I’m really amped to get into the true American spirit of things this holiday season, which is why I plan on travelling by ship and spitting, licking, and shitting on every possible surface in a once safe environment as a means of spreading all of my germs without the consent of any residents.” Superspreader legend!

Some students like Coughlin are just thrilled to spread their way cross country, while others are equally as eager to reconnect with distant and definitely ancient family members. 

“It’s only once a year that I get to come home to my Mee-Maw, Pee-Paw, and all the other immunocompromised relatives and give each and every single one of them a wet kiss on the lips,” said area conquistador Jack Cortez ‘22. “Watching them all come down with the virus in 3-14 days will be just like experiencing the 1600s in real time; I’m even considering plotting a crop of corn on indigenous land.” Blast from the past!

While many disease-ridden students went home, the infected who cautiously stayed in the Ithaca area were sure to express ship hand-crafted blankets to contaminate their families back home.

Social Distancing Win? I Got Lost

While on a trek to Nasties for a 1:00 a.m. meatball sub, I suddenly realized that I was in what seemed to be a large forest. There wasn’t a soul in sight. You know what that means—I can let down my mask and breathe in the crisp fall air! No risk of COVID-19 transmission here!

Just me, myself, and I, as well as something that may have been a mountain lion. Or maybe it was a coyote? Either way, it wasn’t wearing a mask but was greater than six feet away, so I think that’s probably okay. Besides, it wasn’t coughing or anything, but boy can it growl!

Wait, do we even have mountain lions in Ithaca? Aren’t those more of a mountain thing? Am I in Vermont? I sure hope so, because they have the lowest number of cases per 100,000 residents of any state in the USA!

My phone died a while ago, so I can’t check Google Maps or anything—and more importantly, I can’t complete my Daily Check. Hopefully Cayuga Medical will understand that I’m practicing a more effective form of virus protection: walking so far into the countryside that I haven’t seen any lights in at least an hour.

If we all took such simple measures as venturing an unknown distance into a vast wilderness in the night, I bet we’d knock out the coronavirus in a jiffy. Health goals! I am getting very cold!

Activism Queen? Area Student Begs For In-Person Fall In Heartfelt Facebook Post Before Attending Collegetown Darty

A number of students have expressed concern that the Fall 2020 semester may be virtual. However, local freedom fighter Madison Thorwart ‘21 went the extra mile, authoring a heartfelt Facebook post begging for an in-person fall semester prior to attending a 100-person Collegetown darty.

Thorwart posted the following last Saturday at 10:08  AM:

“My fellow Cornellians, President Pollack, VP Lombardi, Board of Trustees:

A specter is haunting Cornell University—the specter of an online fall semester. We as Cornellians must unite under this one commonality to exorcise this accursed spirit. I want all the students reading to imagine the following: it is Friday, 3 PM, you just finished your classes for the day and you are sitting on CTB’s patio enjoying a pitcher of afternoon sangria with your friends. The town is bustling, you discuss your plans of getting absolutely shitfaced at Level B that evening, only to return to CTB in time to order a roundhouse bagel. You wake up in Cayuga Medical Center the next morning. Can you feel it? That overwhelming sensation of joy? It’s absolutely euphoric.

Now I want you to forget everything I just described and imagine this: an online fall semester where you are confined to your home and unable to experience any of this. Feel that? That heavy feeling of sadness, depression?

To the administration: Is this what you want? For your Cornellians to suffer because of a decision you make that’s essentially out of your control? I beg of you, please let us back on campus in the fall. Please fix coronavirus.

To my fellow classmates: Do everything in your power to ensure an in-person fall semester. That means flattening the curve, social distancing, shaming others who don’t on social media, sending emails to the board, and signing petitions. We have nothing to lose but our chains!!

“I am just saying what my fellow comrades are thinking,” claimed Thorwart. “How can there be change if no one speaks up? It only takes one to spark a revolution,” said Thorwart, pounding tequila shots at the 30-person pregame. 

Fellow darty attendees wrote their own Facebook posts calling Thorwart a “martyr” after she tested positive for COVID-19. A hero of the revolution!


Uh-Oh! Sounds Like Uncle Gary’s About to Politicize Thousands of Deaths

It was a regular old Sunday morning, which meant dialing in for my extended family’s Sunday brunch Zoom call, and something about the way his face was getting red told me Uncle Gary was about to turn a whole lot of people dying into some political stance.

I’d seen Gary’s Facebook tirades about how state governments were “juicing” their death tolls, as if families losing loved ones was somehow a deep state conspiracy. Anyways, the second Chuck Todd said “if it’s Sunday, it’s Meet the Press” in the background of Cousin Steve’s Zoom, Gary looked about ready to burst.

And lo, the floodgates burst with almighty cries of “you shouldn’t be watching that Socialist propaganda!” All of a sudden there was an endless barrage of “fake news media” and “Chinese bioterror,” with a dash of “they just want to keep the economy closed to tank the administration.” It was all a pretty big yikes moment.

After Steve mentioned that more Americans have died of COVID-19 than the entire Vietnam War, Uncle Gary doubled down, claiming the “Vietnam War wasn’t even that bad.” It was all pretty wild, especially when Gary asked why “the deaths are magically only scary in blue states?”

By the end of the call, Uncle Gary really lost the audience when he used the terms “a whole buncha dead people” and “phoney-baloney” in the same sentence.

Uh Oh! Dad Seems Mad About Stocks

It was just after I had returned from school on account of this whole coronavirus thing that I noticed dad was seeming a little more agitated than usual. Normally, he’s full of life, repeating Fox news talking points and complaining about incompetent employees at his office. Now, he’s stuck at home, and he keeps muttering to himself about “prospectives” and “shorts.” I wonder if it’s because of this whole market crash thing. 

I seem to recall my friends in AEM saying something about stocks going down because of the rona, but I didn’t really get all of what they were saying because I’ve learned to tune out their fancy money-boy nonsense most of the time. Also, I saw on Bloomberg Business that all three big arrows were going down which dad can’t be super happy about.

So now we have this situation where dad is grumpy and he’s on the phone with his broker or whatever all the time and it’s really just not ideal because I’m not allowed to leave the goddamn house here in Hoboken and he keeps killing the whole vibe. Last night I went into the kitchen to get a snack, and boom there he is looking ill-tempered as fuck, talking about how we’re, like, basically homeless now.

Oh god! This is even worse than I thought! Dad isn’t mad anymore. Now he’s drunk and sentimental. He’s hugging my sister now and grumbling some stuff about her “hopefully still going to college” and asking if she’d be willing to “work nights.” This is not cool at all!


Five Methods to Avoid Touching Your Face While Sobbing

The recent announcement from the Cornell administration has hit the student body hard—but even when grieving, it is important for us to follow the CDC guidelines on avoiding the spread of COVID-19! Wondering how to wipe your leaking eyes while being careful to keep your hands from touching your face? We have some effective, no-mess tips for you!

  1. Place a vacuum near your face. A great zero-contact approach! When you’re getting emotional, hold a dust-buster or vacuum cleaner—the more powerful, the better—directly in front of your face. This will suck all of the liquid into its basin, making for a neatly contained, totally hands-free approach to crying!
  2. Use a grabbing device to hold a tissue to your face from afar. With this method, you have some control over your face-wiping movements. Many devices will do; although tongs are popular, we recommend sticking your tissue on a longer device such as a fire poker to maximize the distance between your fingers and nose. You’ll be cleaned up in no time—just watch out for your eyeball!
  3. Tape a tissue to the wall. An old classic! If you feel tears welling up, pull out some tissues and Scotch tape and stick them up on the nearest wall. When needed, smush your face against paper, being sure to transfer all of your bodily fluids. Quick and easy, with no hand-to-face contact required!
  4. Severely dehydrate yourself. While the other methods listed are treatments, this is more of a preventative measure. The basic rationale behind this one: you can’t cry if you’re so dehydrated that your body must devote its whole water budget to keeping your most basic functions up and running! We suggest not drinking for 36 hours, although if you want to reduce that time and have some fun, you could also get absolutely shitfaced. Health win!
  5. Cry over a bucket. This is often the ideal approach because there’s no contact required at all! Try lying on your bed with your head hanging over the side. Place a bucket beneath your head so that when you begin sobbing, the vessel will neatly collect your snot and tears. If you’re in a public place (not recommended), a toilet will also suffice. The WHO will be proud!