Tag Archives: coronavirus

Finally! New “3-S” University Initiative Encourages Vaccinated Students To Spit, Stomp, and Shit On The Unvaccinated

DAY HALL—As more and more students have become fully vaccinated in the past weeks, President Martha Pollack announced earlier this morning a new university measure to encourage unvaccinated students to receive a COVID-19 shot. The initiative introduces an innovative approach for a move towards normalcy, requiring all vaccinated students to Read More

Happy Thanksgiving! Thousands of Disease-Ridden Students Sent Home to Families In True Colonizer Spirit

In light of the growing number of COVID cases and the approaching holiday season, hoards of infected students have returned home to their families to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday like it was originally celebrated: with the spreading of potentially lethal infectious diseases.  “Lately I’ve been trying to become more in Read More

Activism Queen? Area Student Begs For In-Person Fall In Heartfelt Facebook Post Before Attending Collegetown Darty

A number of students have expressed concern that the Fall 2020 semester may be virtual. However, local freedom fighter Madison Thorwart ‘21 went the extra mile, authoring a heartfelt Facebook post begging for an in-person fall semester prior to attending a 100-person Collegetown darty. Thorwart posted the following last Saturday Read More

Five Methods to Avoid Touching Your Face While Sobbing

The recent announcement from the Cornell administration has hit the student body hard—but even when grieving, it is important for us to follow the CDC guidelines on avoiding the spread of COVID-19! Wondering how to wipe your leaking eyes while being careful to keep your hands from touching your face? Read More