March 11, 2020

Five Methods to Avoid Touching Your Face While Sobbing

The recent announcement from the Cornell administration has hit the student body hard—but even when grieving, it is important for us to follow the CDC guidelines on avoiding the spread of COVID-19! Wondering how to wipe your leaking eyes while being careful to keep your hands from touching your face? We have some effective, no-mess tips for you!

  1. Place a vacuum near your face. A great zero-contact approach! When you’re getting emotional, hold a dust-buster or vacuum cleaner—the more powerful, the better—directly in front of your face. This will suck all of the liquid into its basin, making for a neatly contained, totally hands-free approach to crying!
  2. Use a grabbing device to hold a tissue to your face from afar. With this method, you have some control over your face-wiping movements. Many devices will do; although tongs are popular, we recommend sticking your tissue on a longer device such as a fire poker to maximize the distance between your fingers and nose. You’ll be cleaned up in no time—just watch out for your eyeball!
  3. Tape a tissue to the wall. An old classic! If you feel tears welling up, pull out some tissues and Scotch tape and stick them up on the nearest wall. When needed, smush your face against paper, being sure to transfer all of your bodily fluids. Quick and easy, with no hand-to-face contact required!
  4. Severely dehydrate yourself. While the other methods listed are treatments, this is more of a preventative measure. The basic rationale behind this one: you can’t cry if you’re so dehydrated that your body must devote its whole water budget to keeping your most basic functions up and running! We suggest not drinking for 36 hours, although if you want to reduce that time and have some fun, you could also get absolutely shitfaced. Health win!
  5. Cry over a bucket. This is often the ideal approach because there’s no contact required at all! Try lying on your bed with your head hanging over the side. Place a bucket beneath your head so that when you begin sobbing, the vessel will neatly collect your snot and tears. If you’re in a public place (not recommended), a toilet will also suffice. The WHO will be proud!

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