Tag Archives: Cornell

Oopsie! I Drank the Olin Library Water and Now I Glow in the Dark

After hitting a personal low in Olin Library (crying in the stacks for 3 straight hours), I decided to treat myself to some delicious, refreshing, and free water from the lovely little fountain in the basement.

I figured through sheer willpower alone, I could evade the inevitable disease that was indicated by the blaring red water filter sign before me. Little did I know, my natural defenses didn’t stand a chance against the hazardous waste brewing in the depths of Olin. Truth be told, I should have sucked it up and spent $3 at the Amit Bhatia Libe Cafe.

I first started to become concerned upon viewing the water, which was yellow, fizzing, and burning hot. I figured it was just the lighting that was skewing my perception of the water, and finished my entire Hydro Flask. The second red flag was the fact that the water tasted like freshly scooped dirt, but this too was a warning sign I ignored.

That night, when I turned off the lights to go to sleep, I noticed a most peculiar light emanating from underneath my sheets. Lo and behold, it was I. My skin was shining, dazzling, and blinding. It was at that moment that my worst fears were confirmed: the Olin slop had transformed me into some sort of bioluminescent creature. 

Never in my life have I been told that I “light up the room” more frequently now that I glow in the dark, thanks to the Olin Library “water.”

“I’ll Totally Be There!” and 5 Other Ways to Say “No” to Your Friend’s A Capella Concert

KLARMAN HALL— With the upcoming onslaught of finals and never-ending last minute assignments, when your friend hits you with  “My a capella group is having a concert this weekend, you’re definitely coming through, right?” the most immediate and resounding internal response is a shrieking, guttural “Dear God, no.” 

So how do you, unsuspecting and innocent, navigate your way out of this awful-hellscape and into any other Friday night activities? There are a few ways out of this fate, should you brave the course:

1. “I’ll totally be there!” 

It is, of course, always a safe move to just lie to them. It’s definitely not like they will have a check in at the auditorium on the night of the concert, and even if they did, who gives a shit? Definitely not your friend.

2. “Oh no! I have something that night 🙁 ” 

A classic excuse, the “I’m busy.” This is without a doubt a surefire way to get yourself right on out of there, and right into some stinky frat basement. Pepper in the frowny face for some extra flavor, and kiss that sweet, sweet music goodbye. 

3. “I’ll definitely let you know.” 

Ah yes, delay the inevitable. If you put off telling your friend whether you can make it to their concert or not, word on the street is, the concert will eventually happen. Feel free to leave your friend in limbo for all eternity, and just like that, you’re out clean!

4. “Yes!” 

This one is a good bet if you’re looking for simplicity. A lie with no strings attached, a simple agreement can save you further conversation in the present, and you need only offer a confusion of dates in the aftermath. 

5. “Maybe” 

Again, an in-between place is a very nice place to start. Definitely hit your friend with that maybe, and then never, ever clarify your presence. It’s best, really, this state of confusion一no one gets hurt. 

6. “My other friend actually has a concert that night too” 

Ah yes, an a capella salvation. What can save you except the hell you have been damned to in the first place. If you cannot go to their concert, it must only be because you have another dear friend to support. Just like that you are saved, and you are glorious. 

Aww! Three Generations of Cornellians Come Together to Psychologically Abuse the Shit out of BU Hockey Team

Nothing says Thanksgiving like joining friends, parents, and grandparents for a wholesome night of pure, unfiltered bullying! This evening Lynah Faithful will flock to Madison Square Garden to inflict permanent psychological damage upon the Boston University hockey team—a demonstration of the Cornell community’s admirable closeness and warmth. 

“I look forward to bringing my family every year,” beamed alum Larry Walker ‘92. “There’s just something so beautiful about 1000 Cornellians, old and young, chanting in choir-like unison to inform the opposing goalie of his profound resemblance to Squidward, President Pollack, and the Low Rise 7 goblin-rat.”

Just in case verbal assault doesn’t do the trick, Cornellians have prop-packs prepared to remind the Massachusetts safety school of its place. Among the included items are newspapers (to read while BU is being announced, and to chuck at adjacent BU fans afterward); keys (to signal BU that they may warm up their bus, as their asses have been sufficiently whooped); and plush terriers on stakes (to light on fire for maximum PTSD).

“It’ll be my grandchildren’s first hockey game,” said alum Beatrice Appel ‘67. “They’re so excited to burn the terriers, behead the terriers, and throw the terriers’ charred remains onto the ice!”

At press time, it was still uncertain whether Appel’s grandchildren, aged 3 and 4, were referring to the team members or the plushies—or whether it mattered.

Tearing Up Because A TA Looked At Me Kindly And Five Other Things That Don’t Mean Anything Because I’m Fine

Recently, I endured what most would agree is an extremely common and normal experience: while sitting in office hours, the TA turned to me, with a bright gaze full of empathy and understanding, and I burst into tears. This led to all sorts of intrusive questions like “how are you?” and “would you like to talk?” Ridiculous questions, given that I am so totally fine.

Although Big Therapy would have you believe otherwise, most of our emotional reactions are completely random and have no kind of deeper meaning. Here are five other utterly non-Freudian slips that have absolutely no deeper meaning and definitely don’t deserve any sort of analysis or reflection:

  1. Browsing dog adoption websites for three days and then going to the Cornell store to look at baby shirts for your hypothetical golden retriever puppy because you just want a hug.
  2. Going to the dining hall to get a takeout container full of french fries and a single hard boiled egg.
  3. Considering spilling hydrochloric acid on yourself during your Chemistry lab just to feel something.
  4. Forgetting to put a bra on when walking outside and then spending ten minutes debating whether or not to go back inside and put one on only to realize you forgot your ID in your room, so you can’t get back into your dorm and your nipples are showing so you yell at your friend’s window, but of course she’s not there so you wait until Ethan from the third floor lets you in after awkwardly trying not to stare, only to decide getting your COVID test isn’t worth this much trouble and taking a ten-hour nap so you miss the angry email from Martha Pollack telling you that you can’t go on campus until you get tested and fifteen hours later you can’t buy a smoothie from Terrace and are removed from the premises for “causing a scene” and oh look Ethan’s here too.
  5. Accidentally calling your professor “Daddy.”

“I Think I’d Make A Good President” and Four Other Sayings That Mean He’s Probably Not the One

1. “You shouldn’t invade Russia in the winter.”

History King! We all know this guy. He loves toppling foreign governments just a little too much. According to him, history starts with the Romans and ends with World War II. He can differentiate the all of France’s King Louis, and he gets a half-chub at the thought of Alexander the Great. Since he played battle strategy games in high school, he knows he’s the greatest military mind to ever exist. He is a general in imaginary wars, replaying his totally ingenious, never thought of before, strategies for world (European) domination. Don’t worry though, soon he’ll be accusing random ROTC students of stolen valor and lamenting on how America couldn’t survive WWIII.

 

2. “Studies say…”

Ever had any random, stupid thought? Well this guy’s got a study for it. Who made the study? Don’t know. How was it conducted? Who cares. Can he send a link? No, never. At first you think “wow, he’s smart” but then slowly, the longer you listen to him, you can’t tell if he’s that stupid or he thinks you’re that stupid. In ten years, you’ll find him somehow mayor of a small Republican majority suburb.

 

3.Bitcoin is the future.”

The male version of astrological signs. If there is a problem? No matter. Bitcoin is the solution. Your dog needs to be walked? Throw a bitcoin at it. Broke your arm? Wrap it in bitcoin. Feeling depressed and worried about post-college life? Have you heard of bitcoin? But make sure you don’t ask what it is, because then you’ll get a twenty minute answer with the conclusion that “it’s all really difficult, I haven’t quite figured it out yet myself.” It’s definitely advised to avoid this one, because in six years he will invest his entire 401k in K-Mart and promise you it’s going to be just like GameStonk.

 

4. “To be fair…”

Watch out, he’s a deep thinker! How do you know? Why, he’ll tell you himself. He struggles with the universal truths only one so wise and learned such as he can understand. Even in simple discussion, he’ll start with “to be fair…” then say some gibberish filled with SAT words he totally knows how to use correctly. Next, he will bring in an unrelated anecdote that you don’t think happened but is too tragic to call B.S.. Finally he will conclude with a meaningless platitude and a smug self-satisfaction, as if he’s just solved climate change. In five years, you’ll find this one giving drunken sermons to an empty bar.

 

5. “I think I’d make a good president.”

Narcissism alert! This guy was in the gifted classes in elementary school, and his teacher told him he could be president one day. He remembered those words, and he vowed to himself that his first missile strike would be in Mrs. Johnson’s honor. Now, he’s twenty years old, lacks self-reflection skills, reads rationalism blogs, and thinks he’s the world’s protagonist. In twenty years, he’ll either be president with a laundry list of war crimes, or in jail.

OK: My Friend Sent Me A TikTok Over Text And Nothing Else

Exciting! I just got a phone notification, and it looks like I received a text from one of my friends whom I haven’t heard from in a while. I wonder what she’ll say! Maybe she’ll ask me how I’m doing, or perhaps how my finals went. 

Oh. It appears she just sent me a link to a link to a TikTok without adding anything else of value. Alrighty then. I guess that’s fine. 

The TikTok was already one I saw on my For You Page, but I’ll give her a ‘Like’ react out of obligation, or hell, maybe even a ‘Ha ha!’ if it made me huff out a little air. At least it was a nice diversion from my hours-long Instagram scroll. 

To be honest, I’ll probably send her a TikTok back in the next few days, which I will instantly forget about the moment I click send. 

Quiz: Is He a Republican or Did He Just Forget His Mask at Home?

You’re walking through Ho Plaza, and you see a guy your age wearing flannel, which is a red flag already, but: uh oh! What’s that you see? He’s not wearing a mask! You quickly move through the five stages of grief reckoning with the fact he is definitely a Trump supporter who believes dead Biden supporters stole the election,
until you realize it’s possible he might’ve just, like… forgotten it? How do you know?

We’ve got you covered. Take this quiz to find out!

1. Is he taking your mask off with his eyes?

 
 

2. Does he look unconcerned while wearing a red baseball cap?

 
 

3. Is he maintaining social distancing?

 
 

4. Does he refer to women as ‘females’?

 
 

5. Does his name have “the Third” or “the Fourth” in it?

 
 

6. Has he ever read a book by Ayn Rand and not thought, “gross”?

 
 

7. Does he jerk off to stock market reports?

 
 

8. Does he use the word “actually” at least once a day?

 
 

9. Does he suddenly get very defensive when someone mentions Harry Styles?

 
 

10. Was he nowhere to be found on November 7th?

 
 

Happy Thanksgiving! Thousands of Disease-Ridden Students Sent Home to Families In True Colonizer Spirit

In light of the growing number of COVID cases and the approaching holiday season, hoards of infected students have returned home to their families to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday like it was originally celebrated: with the spreading of potentially lethal infectious diseases. 

“Lately I’ve been trying to become more in touch with my colonizer roots,” said local conqueror Margaret Coughlin ‘23.  “Plus I’m really amped to get into the true American spirit of things this holiday season, which is why I plan on travelling by ship and spitting, licking, and shitting on every possible surface in a once safe environment as a means of spreading all of my germs without the consent of any residents.” Superspreader legend!

Some students like Coughlin are just thrilled to spread their way cross country, while others are equally as eager to reconnect with distant and definitely ancient family members. 

“It’s only once a year that I get to come home to my Mee-Maw, Pee-Paw, and all the other immunocompromised relatives and give each and every single one of them a wet kiss on the lips,” said area conquistador Jack Cortez ‘22. “Watching them all come down with the virus in 3-14 days will be just like experiencing the 1600s in real time; I’m even considering plotting a crop of corn on indigenous land.” Blast from the past!

While many disease-ridden students went home, the infected who cautiously stayed in the Ithaca area were sure to express ship hand-crafted blankets to contaminate their families back home.

Spooky! Everybody Who Had a Halloween Party this Weekend Were Also Dumb Enough to Post About It

BooOO! Halloween this year turned out to be one for the books. Never mind the ghastly costumes and unexpected frights; this holiday’s freakiest monsters were people so idiotic, they broke social distancing guidelines to go to a large party AND broadcast the whole thing on their Instagram stories! Scary! 

These spectres haunted Collegetown throughout the night, blaring loud music and recording blurry panning videos of their 20-plus-person-hangouts. These eerie stories sent shivers down the spines of unsuspecting students on social media, who were petrified at the brazen displays of bad decision-making. Creepy!

The sight of Ivy League dolts bragging about their own stupid actions was too terrifying for words. How could anyone be idiotic enough to endanger the health of the broader campus community by hosting large gatherings and also so feeble-minded not to realize that literally anyone could record their Snapchats and get them in serious trouble?! Make it stop!

At least these modern-day ghouls let everyone know who they were so that they could be thoroughly avoided for the next 8-14 days. Talk about a silver lining! 

Read This List of What the Mottos of Each School and College Should Be

Everyone knows the words with which Ezra Cornell started his eponymous university: “I would found an institution where any person can find instruction in any study.” But that doesn’t tell you what to expect in those studies, now does it? So, here is our list of what the defining statement for each and every Cornell College and School should be:

 

Cornell University

I would build an institution into a cliff side despite there being acres of flat land just a mile away where any wealthy white person can find instruction in a buncha random ass studies taught by some poor sons of bitches we tricked into coming to the farmland of New York to teach.

Undergraduate:

College of Agricultural and Life Sciences (CALS)
You’re gonna want to really breathe in that elephant poop.
College of Architecture, Art, and Planning (AAP)
Our students, and our drugs, grow the best under 24/7 fluorescent lights.
College of Arts and Sciences (CAS)
Proving over 8 semesters that romance studies won’t get you laid.
College of Engineering (CoE)
A well-balanced lifestyle, like Newton’s Law of Force Pairs, comes last.
College of Human Ecology (CHE)
Let’s talk about sex, ba-by!
Dyson School of Applied Economics and Management (AEM)
#10 in undergraduate business programs, #1 if you don’t count the first 9, those pussies.
School of Computing and Information Sciences (CIS)
We have imbibed the sacred chalice of liquid crystal display, and soon we shall all ascend.
School of Hotel Administration (SHA)
Majoring in minoring in real estate studies.

School of Industrial and Labor Relations (ILR)

Where no one goes into Industry, no one cares about Labor, and everyone else hates you.
School of Public Policy
The academic equivalent of the ugly red headed step child of the off spring of a rented mule and a beaten sore thumb.

Graduate:

SC Johnson Graduate School of Management (JGSM)
Premier corporate business studies in a backwoods rural farming community (we swear).
Cornell Law School (LAW)
Lawyers, in the bitchiest sense.
College of Veterinary Medicine (VET)
Let me take those Pomeranian balls off your hands.
Cornell Graduate Studies (GRAD)
Guaranteeing you’re the only person who HAS to go to optional discussion section…dumbass.
Weill Cornell College of Medicine (WEILL)
Your one and only chance to fondle cadaver boobs before it becomes socially frowned upon.