Tag Archives: Cornell

Milk-Lovers Beware! This Rogue Cornell Dairy Cow Is Trying To Steal All Her Milk Back

Red alert to all milk-lovers out there! If you thought you and your milk were safe, think again. Big Betty, Cornell Dairy’s most reliable and easy-flowing cow, has gone rogue, and she’s coming to steal all her milk back!   That’s right. Last last night, in one of Cornell Dairy’s Read More

Sex on Thursdays: How to Make His Head Literally Explode

Blowjobs can be pretty confusing to navigate! Recently, the Daily Sun published an article called “How to Give Mind-Blowing Head,” but we all know sometimes that’s just not enough. Get ready to learn how to make his head literally explode: Alternate between gliding your tongue and really sucking that dick. Read More

Check Out These Classes You Can Only Pre-Enroll For On The Dark Web

Fall 2017 class roster too peachy for you? Check out these classes that offer a more realist educational experience to better prepare you for the crummy world out there. GOVT 1830: Intro to Sex Scandal Relations AEM 1200: Using Cocaine to Optimize Day-Trading RUSSA 1340: Mail-Order Brides MUSIC 1390: Encoding Read More

Heartwarming: Ithaca Will Accept 50 Syrian Refugees and Steve from Cortland

Sometimes, a community comes together to make the world a better place. And that’s exactly what our inspiring little City on the Hill did when it was recently approved to accept 50 refugees, and also this guy Steve Schweitzer from Cortland. Beautiful! “We hope that we’ve made a positive impact Read More

I Understand That College Applications are Evaluated Holistically, But Can Someone Tell Me Whose Dick I Have To Suck To Get My Son Into Cornell?

Hey guys. I’m just a father trying to get my son into Cornell University, and yeah, I’ve heard the whole shpiel. “All applications are evaluated holistically…” and blah blah blah, but give me a break. What I really wanna know is, whose dick I have to suck to get my Read More

This Ithaca Barber Gave Me a Circumcision When I Asked for “a Bit Off the Top,” But He Did a Pretty Good Job

Ithaca barbers aren’t well known for their quality. I don’t know a single person who’s gotten a decent haircut anywhere close to campus. And I’m no exception, because when I asked a barber in Collegetown to take a bit off the top, he circumcised me. Now, normally, I would complain, Read More