Tag Archives: Cornell

“I Love Your Style!” and Twenty-Five Other Compliments to Give Your Friend Who Made Spitting Noises for Thirty Minutes at Their A Cappella Concert

  1. “I could never do that!”
    Although you mean that your instinctive sense of self preservation would never allow you to do something so embarrassing in front of so many people, your friend will think you are simply admiring their unique performance. Everybody wins!
  2. “You’re so spontaneous!”
    This little number is perfect for when your friend very clearly forgot the lyrics about halfway through their solo and did some panicked improv vocalization.
  3. “You have such great stage presence!”
    A perfect quip for when you left to go use the bathroom and missed your friend’s only solo performance.
  4. “So many noises were coming from the stage!”
    This one is perfect for those who don’t like to lie, preventing them from saying anything positive about the concert, but also need their friend to keep driving them to their 9 am.
  5. “You all came together so well!”
    Even though this is entirely false, your friend should be ego tripping hard enough to buy it hook, line, and sinker.
  6. “Best concert ever!”
    All of these concerts are exactly the same.
  7. “I loved the part where the person sang!”
    This indicates that you knew the vocal performance was supposed to be musical in some way. 
  8. “You really are America’s Top Aca-fucker!”
    You can show that you know the a capella lingo and actually care about your friend’s horrendous passion by giving them this prestigious title. 
  9. “The humming in the background was stupendous!”
    Despite its droning quality, a capella groups take their humming very seriously. Be careful though, this one may encourage them to keep at it. 
  10. “I was shocked when you were singing one song and then started singing another at the same time! What a twist!”
    This comment will make it seem like you were paying attention to the concert regardless of if you showed up 90 minutes late. Every single acapella group will do this in every concert without fail.
  11. “That choreography was something else!”
    It sure was! Was it something good? Maybe not, but your friend doesn’t need to know that. Say this to create the aura of a compliment while maintaining your honest soul.
  12. “I can’t believe there wasn’t any auto tune, really!”
    Yeah, it’s pretty much okay to stroke the ego of your little a cappella friend at this point in the game, especially because again, it’s not truly a lie. There probably should have been some auto tune.
  13. “I wish I had your confidence!”
    A classic.
  14. “You could totally go viral for that!”
    Not a lie! The only downside is that you will likely subject millions to hearing your friend’s craft, and your for-you page will be forever haunted. 
  15. “That must be so useful for when you put food in your mouth but it doesn’t taste good so you aggressively spit it out!”
    This provides assurance that this is a transferable and applicable skill! They totally weren’t wasting their time when practicing for ten hours a week for a month or anything! Mom and Dad would be so proud!
  16. “The last song was my favorite!”
    Shows you were paying attention! (…to the clock, but you don’t have to mention that)  
  17. “I have no clue how you’re still single!”
    Don’t worry that this one won’t apply. It always does.
  18. “Your performance honors StarClan.”
    Because they sounded exactly like a feral cat in heat. 
  19. “I love a good throwback!”
    This one is perfect following a performance of any song written between 2005 and 2016. If you’re looking for something reliable, this is a great go-to.
  20. “When’s the next concert?!”
    Now is the perfect time to ensure that you will be busy.
  21. “I had no idea that people could make noises like a drum!”
    By simply omitting the fact that you also do not care that people can make noises like a drum, an otherwise mean-spirited comment becomes an encouraging line of praise.
  22. “I wish there were more songs!”
    No one has ever wished this, but the magnitude of your lie will convince them.
  23. “You guys should go on tour!”
    Sending your friend far away is a great way to make sure you won’t have to hear them for quite some time.
  24. “I haven’t seen a performance like that since High School Musical 2 released!”
    Conveniently, High School Musical 2 released shortly before the 2008 financial crisis, which is what you are referencing.
  25. “Way to hit that octave!”
    Octaves have something to do with music.

False Advertising? Farmers at Farmers’ Market Not Available for Purchase

Like many Cornellians, I enjoy a home-cooked meal but can feel uncomfortable about where my ingredients originate. Sure, the big displays at Aldi and Wegmans are cornucopias spilling with fresh produce, but where did they come from and how did they get here? While pondering these questions on a drive to the latter, my eyes caught a glimpse of a heaven-sent sign on the roadside: “Ithaca Farmers’ Market,” with an arrow pointing to the right!

What luck! The brilliant Ithaca natives had once again developed a brilliant answer to a pressing question with this new way of knowing how your food is grown. Instead of needing to buy groceries, I could simply buy a farmer to grow my foods right near my home! I was immediately persuaded and veered sharply to the right to purchase a farmer of my own.

Upon entering, it was clear fellow Ithacans understood the utility of this new dynamic. The covered boardwalk teemed with visitors, all in search of the same elusive farmer perfect for developing the first half of a fresh meal. And oh, how those farmers beckoned. In this, the harvest season, they were abundant and plump, with many attempting to woo the most trustworthy customers for an adoption. I traversed the lane with a careful and guarded eye.

After a harrowing transit through the throngs, I finally saw him: the perfect specimen. A broad, burly man with a well-trimmed graying beard and a gleaming bald head, he cut a distinctive image—even across the crowd I could make out his features. His presentation suggested both power and determination and yet fine attention to detail, which was only enhanced by the tidy broccoli crowns assiduously arranged on the cart in front of him. I hastily cut across the market lest anyone steal defeat from the jaws of victory.

As I approached, a faint smile touched the corners of his lips. Could he already tell I was his proper proprietor? He sported a nametag on his left lapel that read Carl.

“This broccoli looks lovely, Carl,” I said, careful to make a good impression. “I would love to have some… close to home.”

He replied with a polite and well-oiled discussion of his current rates; I bobbed my head along but ultimately shook it after he fell quiet. “Of course, of course,” I said, “but can you grow other vegetables too? Peppers, for instance, and maybe some zucchini? And what about berries—any livestock? I plan to enjoy a balanced and healthy diet—if you’re to work for me, I’ll need to know you’re up to the task. Have no fears about lodging; I possess a fine kennel for you to sleep in. Should we discuss a payment plan now?”

From his apparent bewilderment, I worried I had startled him. And then worse: his once-inviting complexion began to oscillate between horror and disgust. “I’ll be right with you, sir,” he offered before swiftly walking to a hidden location.

Had I come on too strong? Would a less direct approach have been more effective? I began to replay the encounter in my head, looking for places I had erred, when I became aware of Carl again, this time at a distance through the crowd. He was flanked by two uniformed police officers as he pointed towards his cart—no, at me! I bolted for the nearest exit and ran through the winding parking lot, desperate to escape with my freedom.

Tragically, the Farmers’ Market failed to meet my lofty expectations of a revolutionized agriculture and consumer experience. All that hoopla, and for what—some $10 squash in a carton? Despite this apparent absurdity, Carl’s reaction laid bare that in spite of the name, the farmers are not for sale. I can only hope that the upcoming flea market will not disappoint me in the same way.

Oopsie! I Drank the Olin Library Water and Now I Glow in the Dark

After hitting a personal low in Olin Library (crying in the stacks for 3 straight hours), I decided to treat myself to some delicious, refreshing, and free water from the lovely little fountain in the basement.

I figured through sheer willpower alone, I could evade the inevitable disease that was indicated by the blaring red water filter sign before me. Little did I know, my natural defenses didn’t stand a chance against the hazardous waste brewing in the depths of Olin. Truth be told, I should have sucked it up and spent $3 at the Amit Bhatia Libe Cafe.

I first started to become concerned upon viewing the water, which was yellow, fizzing, and burning hot. I figured it was just the lighting that was skewing my perception of the water, and finished my entire Hydro Flask. The second red flag was the fact that the water tasted like freshly scooped dirt, but this too was a warning sign I ignored.

That night, when I turned off the lights to go to sleep, I noticed a most peculiar light emanating from underneath my sheets. Lo and behold, it was I. My skin was shining, dazzling, and blinding. It was at that moment that my worst fears were confirmed: the Olin slop had transformed me into some sort of bioluminescent creature. 

Never in my life have I been told that I “light up the room” more frequently now that I glow in the dark, thanks to the Olin Library “water.”

“I’ll Totally Be There!” and 5 Other Ways to Say “No” to Your Friend’s A Capella Concert

KLARMAN HALL— With the upcoming onslaught of finals and never-ending last minute assignments, when your friend hits you with  “My a capella group is having a concert this weekend, you’re definitely coming through, right?” the most immediate and resounding internal response is a shrieking, guttural “Dear God, no.” 

So how do you, unsuspecting and innocent, navigate your way out of this awful-hellscape and into any other Friday night activities? There are a few ways out of this fate, should you brave the course:

1. “I’ll totally be there!” 

It is, of course, always a safe move to just lie to them. It’s definitely not like they will have a check in at the auditorium on the night of the concert, and even if they did, who gives a shit? Definitely not your friend.

2. “Oh no! I have something that night 🙁 ” 

A classic excuse, the “I’m busy.” This is without a doubt a surefire way to get yourself right on out of there, and right into some stinky frat basement. Pepper in the frowny face for some extra flavor, and kiss that sweet, sweet music goodbye. 

3. “I’ll definitely let you know.” 

Ah yes, delay the inevitable. If you put off telling your friend whether you can make it to their concert or not, word on the street is, the concert will eventually happen. Feel free to leave your friend in limbo for all eternity, and just like that, you’re out clean!

4. “Yes!” 

This one is a good bet if you’re looking for simplicity. A lie with no strings attached, a simple agreement can save you further conversation in the present, and you need only offer a confusion of dates in the aftermath. 

5. “Maybe” 

Again, an in-between place is a very nice place to start. Definitely hit your friend with that maybe, and then never, ever clarify your presence. It’s best, really, this state of confusion一no one gets hurt. 

6. “My other friend actually has a concert that night too” 

Ah yes, an a capella salvation. What can save you except the hell you have been damned to in the first place. If you cannot go to their concert, it must only be because you have another dear friend to support. Just like that you are saved, and you are glorious. 

Aww! Three Generations of Cornellians Come Together to Psychologically Abuse the Shit out of BU Hockey Team

Nothing says Thanksgiving like joining friends, parents, and grandparents for a wholesome night of pure, unfiltered bullying! This evening Lynah Faithful will flock to Madison Square Garden to inflict permanent psychological damage upon the Boston University hockey team—a demonstration of the Cornell community’s admirable closeness and warmth. 

“I look forward to bringing my family every year,” beamed alum Larry Walker ‘92. “There’s just something so beautiful about 1000 Cornellians, old and young, chanting in choir-like unison to inform the opposing goalie of his profound resemblance to Squidward, President Pollack, and the Low Rise 7 goblin-rat.”

Just in case verbal assault doesn’t do the trick, Cornellians have prop-packs prepared to remind the Massachusetts safety school of its place. Among the included items are newspapers (to read while BU is being announced, and to chuck at adjacent BU fans afterward); keys (to signal BU that they may warm up their bus, as their asses have been sufficiently whooped); and plush terriers on stakes (to light on fire for maximum PTSD).

“It’ll be my grandchildren’s first hockey game,” said alum Beatrice Appel ‘67. “They’re so excited to burn the terriers, behead the terriers, and throw the terriers’ charred remains onto the ice!”

At press time, it was still uncertain whether Appel’s grandchildren, aged 3 and 4, were referring to the team members or the plushies—or whether it mattered.

Tearing Up Because A TA Looked At Me Kindly And Five Other Things That Don’t Mean Anything Because I’m Fine

Recently, I endured what most would agree is an extremely common and normal experience: while sitting in office hours, the TA turned to me, with a bright gaze full of empathy and understanding, and I burst into tears. This led to all sorts of intrusive questions like “how are you?” and “would you like to talk?” Ridiculous questions, given that I am so totally fine.

Although Big Therapy would have you believe otherwise, most of our emotional reactions are completely random and have no kind of deeper meaning. Here are five other utterly non-Freudian slips that have absolutely no deeper meaning and definitely don’t deserve any sort of analysis or reflection:

  1. Browsing dog adoption websites for three days and then going to the Cornell store to look at baby shirts for your hypothetical golden retriever puppy because you just want a hug.
  2. Going to the dining hall to get a takeout container full of french fries and a single hard boiled egg.
  3. Considering spilling hydrochloric acid on yourself during your Chemistry lab just to feel something.
  4. Forgetting to put a bra on when walking outside and then spending ten minutes debating whether or not to go back inside and put one on only to realize you forgot your ID in your room, so you can’t get back into your dorm and your nipples are showing so you yell at your friend’s window, but of course she’s not there so you wait until Ethan from the third floor lets you in after awkwardly trying not to stare, only to decide getting your COVID test isn’t worth this much trouble and taking a ten-hour nap so you miss the angry email from Martha Pollack telling you that you can’t go on campus until you get tested and fifteen hours later you can’t buy a smoothie from Terrace and are removed from the premises for “causing a scene” and oh look Ethan’s here too.
  5. Accidentally calling your professor “Daddy.”

“I Think I’d Make A Good President” and Four Other Sayings That Mean He’s Probably Not the One

1. “You shouldn’t invade Russia in the winter.”

History King! We all know this guy. He loves toppling foreign governments just a little too much. According to him, history starts with the Romans and ends with World War II. He can differentiate the all of France’s King Louis, and he gets a half-chub at the thought of Alexander the Great. Since he played battle strategy games in high school, he knows he’s the greatest military mind to ever exist. He is a general in imaginary wars, replaying his totally ingenious, never thought of before, strategies for world (European) domination. Don’t worry though, soon he’ll be accusing random ROTC students of stolen valor and lamenting on how America couldn’t survive WWIII.


2. “Studies say…”

Ever had any random, stupid thought? Well this guy’s got a study for it. Who made the study? Don’t know. How was it conducted? Who cares. Can he send a link? No, never. At first you think “wow, he’s smart” but then slowly, the longer you listen to him, you can’t tell if he’s that stupid or he thinks you’re that stupid. In ten years, you’ll find him somehow mayor of a small Republican majority suburb.


3.Bitcoin is the future.”

The male version of astrological signs. If there is a problem? No matter. Bitcoin is the solution. Your dog needs to be walked? Throw a bitcoin at it. Broke your arm? Wrap it in bitcoin. Feeling depressed and worried about post-college life? Have you heard of bitcoin? But make sure you don’t ask what it is, because then you’ll get a twenty minute answer with the conclusion that “it’s all really difficult, I haven’t quite figured it out yet myself.” It’s definitely advised to avoid this one, because in six years he will invest his entire 401k in K-Mart and promise you it’s going to be just like GameStonk.


4. “To be fair…”

Watch out, he’s a deep thinker! How do you know? Why, he’ll tell you himself. He struggles with the universal truths only one so wise and learned such as he can understand. Even in simple discussion, he’ll start with “to be fair…” then say some gibberish filled with SAT words he totally knows how to use correctly. Next, he will bring in an unrelated anecdote that you don’t think happened but is too tragic to call B.S.. Finally he will conclude with a meaningless platitude and a smug self-satisfaction, as if he’s just solved climate change. In five years, you’ll find this one giving drunken sermons to an empty bar.


5. “I think I’d make a good president.”

Narcissism alert! This guy was in the gifted classes in elementary school, and his teacher told him he could be president one day. He remembered those words, and he vowed to himself that his first missile strike would be in Mrs. Johnson’s honor. Now, he’s twenty years old, lacks self-reflection skills, reads rationalism blogs, and thinks he’s the world’s protagonist. In twenty years, he’ll either be president with a laundry list of war crimes, or in jail.

OK: My Friend Sent Me A TikTok Over Text And Nothing Else

Exciting! I just got a phone notification, and it looks like I received a text from one of my friends whom I haven’t heard from in a while. I wonder what she’ll say! Maybe she’ll ask me how I’m doing, or perhaps how my finals went. 

Oh. It appears she just sent me a link to a link to a TikTok without adding anything else of value. Alrighty then. I guess that’s fine. 

The TikTok was already one I saw on my For You Page, but I’ll give her a ‘Like’ react out of obligation, or hell, maybe even a ‘Ha ha!’ if it made me huff out a little air. At least it was a nice diversion from my hours-long Instagram scroll. 

To be honest, I’ll probably send her a TikTok back in the next few days, which I will instantly forget about the moment I click send. 

Quiz: Is He a Republican or Did He Just Forget His Mask at Home?

You’re walking through Ho Plaza, and you see a guy your age wearing flannel, which is a red flag already, but: uh oh! What’s that you see? He’s not wearing a mask! You quickly move through the five stages of grief reckoning with the fact he is definitely a Trump supporter who believes dead Biden supporters stole the election,
until you realize it’s possible he might’ve just, like… forgotten it? How do you know?

We’ve got you covered. Take this quiz to find out!

1. Is he taking your mask off with his eyes?


2. Does he look unconcerned while wearing a red baseball cap?


3. Is he maintaining social distancing?


4. Does he refer to women as ‘females’?


5. Does his name have “the Third” or “the Fourth” in it?


6. Has he ever read a book by Ayn Rand and not thought, “gross”?


7. Does he jerk off to stock market reports?


8. Does he use the word “actually” at least once a day?


9. Does he suddenly get very defensive when someone mentions Harry Styles?


10. Was he nowhere to be found on November 7th?


Happy Thanksgiving! Thousands of Disease-Ridden Students Sent Home to Families In True Colonizer Spirit

In light of the growing number of COVID cases and the approaching holiday season, hoards of infected students have returned home to their families to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday like it was originally celebrated: with the spreading of potentially lethal infectious diseases. 

“Lately I’ve been trying to become more in touch with my colonizer roots,” said local conqueror Margaret Coughlin ‘23.  “Plus I’m really amped to get into the true American spirit of things this holiday season, which is why I plan on travelling by ship and spitting, licking, and shitting on every possible surface in a once safe environment as a means of spreading all of my germs without the consent of any residents.” Superspreader legend!

Some students like Coughlin are just thrilled to spread their way cross country, while others are equally as eager to reconnect with distant and definitely ancient family members. 

“It’s only once a year that I get to come home to my Mee-Maw, Pee-Paw, and all the other immunocompromised relatives and give each and every single one of them a wet kiss on the lips,” said area conquistador Jack Cortez ‘22. “Watching them all come down with the virus in 3-14 days will be just like experiencing the 1600s in real time; I’m even considering plotting a crop of corn on indigenous land.” Blast from the past!

While many disease-ridden students went home, the infected who cautiously stayed in the Ithaca area were sure to express ship hand-crafted blankets to contaminate their families back home.