Cornell
False Advertising? Farmers at Farmers’ Market Not Available for Purchase
Like many Cornellians, I enjoy a home-cooked meal but can feel uncomfortable about where my ingredients originate. Sure, the big displays at Aldi and Wegmans are cornucopias spilling with fresh produce, but where did they come from and how did they get here? While pondering these questions on a drive to the latter, my eyes…
Oopsie! I Drank the Olin Library Water and Now I Glow in the Dark
After hitting a personal low in Olin Library (crying in the stacks for 3 straight hours), I decided to treat myself to some delicious, refreshing, and free water from the lovely little fountain in the basement. I figured through sheer willpower alone, I could evade the inevitable disease that was indicated by the blaring red…
“I’ll Totally Be There!” and 5 Other Ways to Say “No” to Your Friend’s A Capella Concert
KLARMAN HALL— With the upcoming onslaught of finals and never-ending last minute assignments, when your friend hits you with “My a capella group is having a concert this weekend, you’re definitely coming through, right?” the most immediate and resounding internal response is a shrieking, guttural “Dear God, no.” So how do you, unsuspecting and innocent,…
Aww! Three Generations of Cornellians Come Together to Psychologically Abuse the Shit out of BU Hockey Team
Nothing says Thanksgiving like joining friends, parents, and grandparents for a wholesome night of pure, unfiltered bullying! This evening Lynah Faithful will flock to Madison Square Garden to inflict permanent psychological damage upon the Boston University hockey team—a demonstration of the Cornell community’s admirable closeness and warmth. “I look forward to bringing my family every…
Tearing Up Because A TA Looked At Me Kindly And Five Other Things That Don’t Mean Anything Because I’m Fine
Recently, I endured what most would agree is an extremely common and normal experience: while sitting in office hours, the TA turned to me, with a bright gaze full of empathy and understanding, and I burst into tears. This led to all sorts of intrusive questions like “how are you?” and “would you like to talk?”…
“I Think I’d Make A Good President” and Four Other Sayings That Mean He’s Probably Not the One
1. “You shouldn’t invade Russia in the winter.” History King! We all know this guy. He loves toppling foreign governments just a little too much. According to him, history starts with the Romans and ends with World War II. He can differentiate the all of France’s King Louis, and he gets a half-chub at the…
OK: My Friend Sent Me A TikTok Over Text And Nothing Else
Exciting! I just got a phone notification, and it looks like I received a text from one of my friends whom I haven’t heard from in a while. I wonder what she’ll say! Maybe she’ll ask me how I’m doing, or perhaps how my finals went. Oh. It appears she just sent me a link…
Happy Thanksgiving! Thousands of Disease-Ridden Students Sent Home to Families In True Colonizer Spirit
In light of the growing number of COVID cases and the approaching holiday season, hoards of infected students have returned home to their families to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday like it was originally celebrated: with the spreading of potentially lethal infectious diseases. “Lately I’ve been trying to become more in touch with my colonizer roots,”…