March 5, 2021

“I Think I’d Make A Good President” and Four Other Sayings That Mean He’s Probably Not the One

1. “You shouldn’t invade Russia in the winter.”

History King! We all know this guy. He loves toppling foreign governments just a little too much. According to him, history starts with the Romans and ends with World War II. He can differentiate the all of France’s King Louis, and he gets a half-chub at the thought of Alexander the Great. Since he played battle strategy games in high school, he knows he’s the greatest military mind to ever exist. He is a general in imaginary wars, replaying his totally ingenious, never thought of before, strategies for world (European) domination. Don’t worry though, soon he’ll be accusing random ROTC students of stolen valor and lamenting on how America couldn’t survive WWIII.

 

2. “Studies say…”

Ever had any random, stupid thought? Well this guy’s got a study for it. Who made the study? Don’t know. How was it conducted? Who cares. Can he send a link? No, never. At first you think “wow, he’s smart” but then slowly, the longer you listen to him, you can’t tell if he’s that stupid or he thinks you’re that stupid. In ten years, you’ll find him somehow mayor of a small Republican majority suburb.

 

3.Bitcoin is the future.”

The male version of astrological signs. If there is a problem? No matter. Bitcoin is the solution. Your dog needs to be walked? Throw a bitcoin at it. Broke your arm? Wrap it in bitcoin. Feeling depressed and worried about post-college life? Have you heard of bitcoin? But make sure you don’t ask what it is, because then you’ll get a twenty minute answer with the conclusion that “it’s all really difficult, I haven’t quite figured it out yet myself.” It’s definitely advised to avoid this one, because in six years he will invest his entire 401k in K-Mart and promise you it’s going to be just like GameStonk.

 

4. “To be fair…”

Watch out, he’s a deep thinker! How do you know? Why, he’ll tell you himself. He struggles with the universal truths only one so wise and learned such as he can understand. Even in simple discussion, he’ll start with “to be fair…” then say some gibberish filled with SAT words he totally knows how to use correctly. Next, he will bring in an unrelated anecdote that you don’t think happened but is too tragic to call B.S.. Finally he will conclude with a meaningless platitude and a smug self-satisfaction, as if he’s just solved climate change. In five years, you’ll find this one giving drunken sermons to an empty bar.

 

5. “I think I’d make a good president.”

Narcissism alert! This guy was in the gifted classes in elementary school, and his teacher told him he could be president one day. He remembered those words, and he vowed to himself that his first missile strike would be in Mrs. Johnson’s honor. Now, he’s twenty years old, lacks self-reflection skills, reads rationalism blogs, and thinks he’s the world’s protagonist. In twenty years, he’ll either be president with a laundry list of war crimes, or in jail.

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