March 2, 2021

Top 5 Classes Your Dad Thinks Are the Reason You’re “Gay All of a Sudden”

 

Intro to Feminist, Gender, and Sexuality Studies 

Yes, it is just an introductory course. Yes, your dad will blame your entire lifetime of being gay on this simply because feminism obviously turns you into a man-hating lesbian. That is the only effect an entire semester of this course would have on your malleable Ivy league brain. There’s no way out of this one. This is the liberal arts indoctrination to which your dad knew you would succumb. You “suddenly being gay” has absolutely nothing to do with your middle school best friend who you practiced kissing with for when you both found boys you liked…. Nope. It was FGSS 2010 that lit a raging queer fire in your soul. 

 

 Magic and Witchcraft in the Greco-Roman World 

You might as well say abracadabra to any facade of heterosexuality your father may have built up around you. Tell your dad about this class and he will easily construct a highly implausible narrative to explain why his lack of grandkids is the result of your newfound knowledge regarding witches in the ancient Mediterranean. This innocuous Classics course may seem like a natural continuation of your middle-school interest in the Percy Jackson series, but no, to dads across the world it is much more sinister than that. Similar to any Feminist, Gender, and Sexuality courses, lectures about women “doing magic” simply function as a gateway to your descent into gayness. 

 

Mathematical Explorations

This is the class you may think you’re being sneaky with, but I promise your dad knows that you are 100% gay if you’re enrolled in it. Something about the word explorations? Or the fact that you can’t do math? All signs lead to one thing: HOMOSEXUALITY. If only you had taken calculus…   

 

Magical Mushrooms and Mischievous Molds 

For some vexing reason, your dad knows all about ~the lesbians~ making copious mushroom themed accessories on tik tok. You probably met a bunch of them in this class. And they probably turned you super gay. Or he may blame it on some psychedelic revelation. Either way, it was the magic mushrooms that flipped the LGBTQ switch for you. 

 

Desire

Your dad is currently betting his second mortgage on the idea that this course had one goal in mind: to teach you that erotic gay desire is the only desire. And, you know, maybe he’s right on that one. From a journey through the languorous poems of Sappho to weekly dates with A Lover’s Discourse, this horny little course definitely made you burn for queer rendevous all semester long

 

BONUS CLASS

 

Nightlife 

This is the sort of class you accidentally mention once over a phone call with your parents and immediately results in your dad furiously investigating DuckDuckGo for further intel. Ideally this research would lead him to think: “Wow! It’s so cool that Paris is Burning is a formative part of my child’s queer identity. I would love to learn more about the potentiality of queer world-making.” But the only words echoing through his mind are “gay club” “drag queens” “kesha” and “bathroom hook ups.” 

 

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