KLARMAN HALL— With the upcoming onslaught of finals and never-ending last minute assignments, when your friend hits you with “My a capella group is having a concert this weekend, you’re definitely coming through, right?” the most immediate and resounding internal response is a shrieking, guttural “Dear God, no.” So how do you, unsuspecting and innocent,…
Nothing says Thanksgiving like joining friends, parents, and grandparents for a wholesome night of pure, unfiltered bullying! This evening Lynah Faithful will flock to Madison Square Garden to inflict permanent psychological damage upon the Boston University hockey team—a demonstration of the Cornell community’s admirable closeness and warmth. “I look forward to bringing my family every…
You know the situation. It’s Friday night and you’re on your shit, really vibing after a stressful week. The rest of the room is right there with you, alcoholic beverage in hand as they let the worries of the real world melt away. Everyone seems to be unified in action and intent. Well, almost everyone….
1. “You shouldn’t invade Russia in the winter.” History King! We all know this guy. He loves toppling foreign governments just a little too much. According to him, history starts with the Romans and ends with World War II. He can differentiate the all of France’s King Louis, and he gets a half-chub at the…
ZOOM—Obnoxiously trying to broaden his horizons and get the most out of his short time at Cornell, sophomore Alex Latell ‘23 is willing to go above and beyond the call of duty to understand Data Structures. “When I asked my friends their thoughts on last week’s optional reading, they originally looked at me like I…
While on a trek to Nasties for a 1:00 a.m. meatball sub, I suddenly realized that I was in what seemed to be a large forest. There wasn’t a soul in sight. You know what that means—I can let down my mask and breathe in the crisp fall air! No risk of COVID-19 transmission here!…
By Miley Mortgage I know you sexually frustrated quarintiners probably want me to tell you some empowering story about me letting go of my insecurities while getting my pussy stuffed by three strangers in the clocktower. Maybe you’d like to read a feel-good tale of how I finally taught Jake the difference between the urethra…
It was just after I had returned from school on account of this whole coronavirus thing that I noticed dad was seeming a little more agitated than usual. Normally, he’s full of life, repeating Fox news talking points and complaining about incompetent employees at his office. Now, he’s stuck at home, and he keeps muttering…
So, it’s that time of week again: time to do your chores; your laundry. Not to worry though; laundry is easy, especially when factoring in the reliability of your dorm’s four laundry machines that are meant to service hundreds of residents. It’s almost therapeutic, as if you’re washing away your sins of the past week…