Tag Archives: Student Life

“I’ll Totally Be There!” and 5 Other Ways to Say “No” to Your Friend’s A Capella Concert

KLARMAN HALL— With the upcoming onslaught of finals and never-ending last minute assignments, when your friend hits you with  “My a capella group is having a concert this weekend, you’re definitely coming through, right?” the most immediate and resounding internal response is a shrieking, guttural “Dear God, no.” 

So how do you, unsuspecting and innocent, navigate your way out of this awful-hellscape and into any other Friday night activities? There are a few ways out of this fate, should you brave the course:

1. “I’ll totally be there!” 

It is, of course, always a safe move to just lie to them. It’s definitely not like they will have a check in at the auditorium on the night of the concert, and even if they did, who gives a shit? Definitely not your friend.

2. “Oh no! I have something that night 🙁 ” 

A classic excuse, the “I’m busy.” This is without a doubt a surefire way to get yourself right on out of there, and right into some stinky frat basement. Pepper in the frowny face for some extra flavor, and kiss that sweet, sweet music goodbye. 

3. “I’ll definitely let you know.” 

Ah yes, delay the inevitable. If you put off telling your friend whether you can make it to their concert or not, word on the street is, the concert will eventually happen. Feel free to leave your friend in limbo for all eternity, and just like that, you’re out clean!

4. “Yes!” 

This one is a good bet if you’re looking for simplicity. A lie with no strings attached, a simple agreement can save you further conversation in the present, and you need only offer a confusion of dates in the aftermath. 

5. “Maybe” 

Again, an in-between place is a very nice place to start. Definitely hit your friend with that maybe, and then never, ever clarify your presence. It’s best, really, this state of confusion一no one gets hurt. 

6. “My other friend actually has a concert that night too” 

Ah yes, an a capella salvation. What can save you except the hell you have been damned to in the first place. If you cannot go to their concert, it must only be because you have another dear friend to support. Just like that you are saved, and you are glorious. 

Aww! Three Generations of Cornellians Come Together to Psychologically Abuse the Shit out of BU Hockey Team

Nothing says Thanksgiving like joining friends, parents, and grandparents for a wholesome night of pure, unfiltered bullying! This evening Lynah Faithful will flock to Madison Square Garden to inflict permanent psychological damage upon the Boston University hockey team—a demonstration of the Cornell community’s admirable closeness and warmth. 

“I look forward to bringing my family every year,” beamed alum Larry Walker ‘92. “There’s just something so beautiful about 1000 Cornellians, old and young, chanting in choir-like unison to inform the opposing goalie of his profound resemblance to Squidward, President Pollack, and the Low Rise 7 goblin-rat.”

Just in case verbal assault doesn’t do the trick, Cornellians have prop-packs prepared to remind the Massachusetts safety school of its place. Among the included items are newspapers (to read while BU is being announced, and to chuck at adjacent BU fans afterward); keys (to signal BU that they may warm up their bus, as their asses have been sufficiently whooped); and plush terriers on stakes (to light on fire for maximum PTSD).

“It’ll be my grandchildren’s first hockey game,” said alum Beatrice Appel ‘67. “They’re so excited to burn the terriers, behead the terriers, and throw the terriers’ charred remains onto the ice!”

At press time, it was still uncertain whether Appel’s grandchildren, aged 3 and 4, were referring to the team members or the plushies—or whether it mattered.

“Why Are You Drinking a Glass of Milk at a Party?” and Five Other Questions for the Guy Drinking a Glass of Milk at a Party

You know the situation. It’s Friday night and you’re on your shit, really vibing after a stressful week. The rest of the room is right there with you, alcoholic beverage in hand as they let the worries of the real world melt away. Everyone seems to be unified in action and intent. Well, almost everyone.

Eventually it dawns on you that there’s one guy who seems a little out of place. He’s not really talking with anyone, he’s not going out and dancing. He seems to sort of just… be there, standing off in the corner by himself. It’s not even really awkward, just a little unnerving. He scrolls his phone casually, sometimes glancing around the room while he takes a sip from his cup.

But then you realize: that’s not a cup, that’s a glass. Seems a little fancy for the setting, no? And—wait, that drink is white! That’s gotta be milk, right? What the hell is going on?!

We’ve all been there. To help make sense of it all, here are a few questions you can ask to get to the bottom of things.


  1. Is that milk? First off, it’s important to clarify that he is indeed drinking milk. Imagine how foolish you would feel if you presumed the beverage to be milk when, in actuality, he was indulging in a large glass of eggnog or a particularly opaque limeade? That baseline has to be established first and foremost.
  2. Is there any alcohol in there? Once you’ve confirmed the libation’s lactic nature, you can ask if it’s something like a White Russian. It would still be kinda weird but at least would fit the setting better.
  3. Did you bring a gallon of milk or just this one glass? You want to gauge their level of commitment to the milk. However, be aware that the answer is pretty definitely going to be at least one gallon, possibly more.
  4. If you could drink the milk of any mammal, what would it be and why? It’s a good conversation starter that also doubles as a screen for sociopaths, so this is really like asking two questions for the price of one. We’ve heard good things about llama milk if he returns the question and you need a response in a pinch.
  5. Can I have a glass of milk, pretty please? Once you’ve earned their trust and screened their sanity, you’re finally safe to reveal your true intentions and request that sweet, sweet party milk.

“I Think I’d Make A Good President” and Four Other Sayings That Mean He’s Probably Not the One

1. “You shouldn’t invade Russia in the winter.”

History King! We all know this guy. He loves toppling foreign governments just a little too much. According to him, history starts with the Romans and ends with World War II. He can differentiate the all of France’s King Louis, and he gets a half-chub at the thought of Alexander the Great. Since he played battle strategy games in high school, he knows he’s the greatest military mind to ever exist. He is a general in imaginary wars, replaying his totally ingenious, never thought of before, strategies for world (European) domination. Don’t worry though, soon he’ll be accusing random ROTC students of stolen valor and lamenting on how America couldn’t survive WWIII.


2. “Studies say…”

Ever had any random, stupid thought? Well this guy’s got a study for it. Who made the study? Don’t know. How was it conducted? Who cares. Can he send a link? No, never. At first you think “wow, he’s smart” but then slowly, the longer you listen to him, you can’t tell if he’s that stupid or he thinks you’re that stupid. In ten years, you’ll find him somehow mayor of a small Republican majority suburb.


3.Bitcoin is the future.”

The male version of astrological signs. If there is a problem? No matter. Bitcoin is the solution. Your dog needs to be walked? Throw a bitcoin at it. Broke your arm? Wrap it in bitcoin. Feeling depressed and worried about post-college life? Have you heard of bitcoin? But make sure you don’t ask what it is, because then you’ll get a twenty minute answer with the conclusion that “it’s all really difficult, I haven’t quite figured it out yet myself.” It’s definitely advised to avoid this one, because in six years he will invest his entire 401k in K-Mart and promise you it’s going to be just like GameStonk.


4. “To be fair…”

Watch out, he’s a deep thinker! How do you know? Why, he’ll tell you himself. He struggles with the universal truths only one so wise and learned such as he can understand. Even in simple discussion, he’ll start with “to be fair…” then say some gibberish filled with SAT words he totally knows how to use correctly. Next, he will bring in an unrelated anecdote that you don’t think happened but is too tragic to call B.S.. Finally he will conclude with a meaningless platitude and a smug self-satisfaction, as if he’s just solved climate change. In five years, you’ll find this one giving drunken sermons to an empty bar.


5. “I think I’d make a good president.”

Narcissism alert! This guy was in the gifted classes in elementary school, and his teacher told him he could be president one day. He remembered those words, and he vowed to himself that his first missile strike would be in Mrs. Johnson’s honor. Now, he’s twenty years old, lacks self-reflection skills, reads rationalism blogs, and thinks he’s the world’s protagonist. In twenty years, he’ll either be president with a laundry list of war crimes, or in jail.

QUIZ: Do you know this friend well enough to swipe right on them on Tinder without them thinking you want to fuck them?

Hooray! You’re back on campus this semester, and with the start of Spring comes the inevitable re-downloading of Tinder. You’re playing the field, swiping through profile after profile, when suddenly you see some guy you know! Hey, this could be a great opportunity for a little friendly game of “Lol-we’re-both-on-Tinder.” Maybe even throw a Super Like their way for an extra chuckle! But, wait a minute– your half-acquaintance will surely know you’re only just joking around, right? Or will your sorta-friend totally get the wrong idea?

Take this quiz to find out!

1. How long have you known this person for?


2. How do you greet each other in person?


3. What’s their favorite food?


4. Do you have any mutual friends?


5. Have they included the line: “If we’re friend IRL, I’ll swipe right” in their bio?


6. What ratio of hank to pank has this individual tried to engage you in in the past?


Erudite Scholar! This Engineer Actually Does The Optional Textbook Reading

ZOOM—Obnoxiously trying to broaden his horizons and get the most out of his short time at Cornell, sophomore Alex Latell ‘23 is willing to go above and beyond the call of duty to understand Data Structures. 

“When I asked my friends their thoughts on last week’s optional reading, they originally looked at me like I grew two heads,” said Latell as he happily flashed the cover of his latest foray into understanding the human condition, Infinite Jest. “But after I elucidated to them the importance of furthering one’s intellectual horizons through devout dedication to one’s classes, they assured me they too would strive to study the optional readings.”

Emboldened by his growing brain, Latell even volunteered to lead his recitation session to the abject horror of his professor. “While I love to see students engage with the material, Mr. Latell has taken it a bit far,” said Professor Altman as he joyously moved Latell’s line-by-line commentary to the trash. “These readings are supposed to be for fun about topics that interest you, not more homework.”

Despite spending more time on the class than the rest of his friend group, Latell somehow received the worst grade on his prelim. He maintains that he was “surprised” none of the optional readings were on the prelim, but he would remain committed to “expanding his ever growing mental encyclopedia of non-essential knowledge.”

Social Distancing Win? I Got Lost

While on a trek to Nasties for a 1:00 a.m. meatball sub, I suddenly realized that I was in what seemed to be a large forest. There wasn’t a soul in sight. You know what that means—I can let down my mask and breathe in the crisp fall air! No risk of COVID-19 transmission here!

Just me, myself, and I, as well as something that may have been a mountain lion. Or maybe it was a coyote? Either way, it wasn’t wearing a mask but was greater than six feet away, so I think that’s probably okay. Besides, it wasn’t coughing or anything, but boy can it growl!

Wait, do we even have mountain lions in Ithaca? Aren’t those more of a mountain thing? Am I in Vermont? I sure hope so, because they have the lowest number of cases per 100,000 residents of any state in the USA!

My phone died a while ago, so I can’t check Google Maps or anything—and more importantly, I can’t complete my Daily Check. Hopefully Cayuga Medical will understand that I’m practicing a more effective form of virus protection: walking so far into the countryside that I haven’t seen any lights in at least an hour.

If we all took such simple measures as venturing an unknown distance into a vast wilderness in the night, I bet we’d knock out the coronavirus in a jiffy. Health goals! I am getting very cold!

No Sex on Thursday: My Mom and I Watched Them Pick the Wrong House on House Hunters International And Then I Went to Bed at 9PM

By Miley Mortgage

I know you sexually frustrated quarintiners probably want me to tell you some empowering story about me letting go of my insecurities while getting my pussy stuffed by three strangers in the clocktower. Maybe you’d like to read a feel-good tale of how I finally taught Jake the difference between the urethra and the clitoris. But this week, all I have is a very unerotic story about a completely mundane weeknight where I lounged on the couch in sweatpants and watched HGTV with my mom.

To be clear, there will be absolutely nothing sensual, salacious, or even mildly titillating in this article henceforth. No one would blame you for turning around at this point.

With that disclaimer out of the way let me just tell you something: These people on House Hunters International had NO BUSINESS moving to Prague whatsoever. First of all, only one of them had a job (he was a footwear model), and neither of them spoke any Czech. That might be an issue don’t you think? Also, this guy was dead set on living out in the country, while she refused to even consider a property outside the city center. Why didn’t they decide on that before they went on the show?! At the same time, they had this enormous wish list of items and a budget of only €250 per month. I definitely don’t think they needed three bedrooms or a personal office space. Then, when the realtor would show them properties they could actually afford that didn’t have some of the things they were asking for, they had the audacity to get mad at her. Madness!

I tried raising some of these concerns to my mom, but she wasn’t paying attention because she was on her phone sending me pinterest posts of “fun diy crafts” we should “totally make together” during isolation.

Finally the episode was about to end. They were about to choose between three properties: 1) The downtown studio that was over their budget and located directly over a noisy nightclub with no working washer and dryer 2) The fully finished suburban loft in their price range with two bedrooms and an outdoor patio space located minutes from the train station (obviously the correct choice) 3) The over budget fixer-upper 35 minutes from town with three bedrooms but no central heating system. The morons went with number three. 

Right after the couple made their questionable selection, the show fast forwarded to six months later, after they had already moved in. Unsurprisingly, there were still renovations going on. I guess the extra bedroom wasn’t such a bad idea after all though, because they had added a roommate up into the mix. The guy’s parents had moved in with them, which given current events probably didn’t turn out too well for him.

After the show was over, I downed a whole bottle of wine and promptly passed out in my bed at 9pm. This is the end of the article.

Uh Oh! Dad Seems Mad About Stocks

It was just after I had returned from school on account of this whole coronavirus thing that I noticed dad was seeming a little more agitated than usual. Normally, he’s full of life, repeating Fox news talking points and complaining about incompetent employees at his office. Now, he’s stuck at home, and he keeps muttering to himself about “prospectives” and “shorts.” I wonder if it’s because of this whole market crash thing. 

I seem to recall my friends in AEM saying something about stocks going down because of the rona, but I didn’t really get all of what they were saying because I’ve learned to tune out their fancy money-boy nonsense most of the time. Also, I saw on Bloomberg Business that all three big arrows were going down which dad can’t be super happy about.

So now we have this situation where dad is grumpy and he’s on the phone with his broker or whatever all the time and it’s really just not ideal because I’m not allowed to leave the goddamn house here in Hoboken and he keeps killing the whole vibe. Last night I went into the kitchen to get a snack, and boom there he is looking ill-tempered as fuck, talking about how we’re, like, basically homeless now.

Oh god! This is even worse than I thought! Dad isn’t mad anymore. Now he’s drunk and sentimental. He’s hugging my sister now and grumbling some stuff about her “hopefully still going to college” and asking if she’d be willing to “work nights.” This is not cool at all!


Tragic: Wet Sock Is Really Stuck In Between Washing Machine Door and Barrel

So, it’s that time of week again: time to do your chores; your laundry. Not to worry though; laundry is easy, especially when factoring in the reliability of your dorm’s four laundry machines that are meant to service hundreds of residents. It’s almost therapeutic, as if you’re washing away your sins of the past week or month or however long you’ve put off doing this very simple task. We’re not judging.

Throw those yucky clothes into the wash, set your timer for 36 minutes, and 45 minutes later that hefty load of yours is ready to dry! You pull tangled jeans and underwear (definitely still saturated with bodily fluids) out of the washer, but something is missing.

Your sock.

It’s stuck in between the door and the barrel. Really stuck. And sopping wet.

You give that sucker a big ol’ tug, hoping it’ll come sliding out nice and easy. Nothing. You pull again, and again, and still it’s not budging! There are two choices here: continue pulling on that darn sock until it comes out or accept defeat. But maybe you wore that pizza-patterned sock throughout high school and it reminds you of a simpler time, or it was a birthday gift from that one slightly toxic ex of yours that you never really got over, or you just need to salvage it since the rest of your socks have holes in them. Either way defeat is not an option. 

No! Someone is putting your half-clean clothes on top of the washer to make room for their dirty load. Before you can say anything, they set the machine to its most aggressive cycle and leave. You know that sock is being sucked into the endless void that is the interior of the washing machine and will remain stuck there for all of eternity. Retrieving that sock was never an option, peace was never an option.