Tag Archives: Dating

“I Think I’d Make A Good President” and Four Other Sayings That Mean He’s Probably Not the One

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1. “You shouldn’t invade Russia in the winter.”

History King! We all know this guy. He loves toppling foreign governments just a little too much. According to him, history starts with the Romans and ends with World War II. He can differentiate the all of France’s King Louis, and he gets a half-chub at the thought of Alexander the Great. Since he played battle strategy games in high school, he knows he’s the greatest military mind to ever exist. He is a general in imaginary wars, replaying his totally ingenious, never thought of before, strategies for world (European) domination. Don’t worry though, soon he’ll be accusing random ROTC students of stolen valor and lamenting on how America couldn’t survive WWIII.

 

2. “Studies say…”

Ever had any random, stupid thought? Well this guy’s got a study for it. Who made the study? Don’t know. How was it conducted? Who cares. Can he send a link? No, never. At first you think “wow, he’s smart” but then slowly, the longer you listen to him, you can’t tell if he’s that stupid or he thinks you’re that stupid. In ten years, you’ll find him somehow mayor of a small Republican majority suburb.

 

3. “Bitcoin is the future.”

The male version of astrological signs. If there is a problem? No matter. Bitcoin is the solution. Your dog needs to be walked? Throw a bitcoin at it. Broke your arm? Wrap it in bitcoin. Feeling depressed and worried about post-college life? Have you heard of bitcoin? But make sure you don’t ask what it is, because then you’ll get a twenty minute answer with the conclusion that “it’s all really difficult, I haven’t quite figured it out yet myself.” It’s definitely advised to avoid this one, because in six years he will invest his entire 401k in K-Mart and promise you it’s going to be just like GameStonk.

 

4. “To be fair…”

Watch out, he’s a deep thinker! How do you know? Why, he’ll tell you himself. He struggles with the universal truths only one so wise and learned such as he can understand. Even in simple discussion, he’ll start with “to be fair…” then say some gibberish filled with SAT words he totally knows how to use correctly. Next, he will bring in an unrelated anecdote that you don’t think happened but is too tragic to call B.S.. Finally he will conclude with a meaningless platitude and a smug self-satisfaction, as if he’s just solved climate change. In five years, you’ll find this one giving drunken sermons to an empty bar.

 

5. “I think I’d make a good president.”

Narcissism alert! This guy was in the gifted classes in elementary school, and his teacher told him he could be president one day. He remembered those words, and he vowed to himself that his first missile strike would be in Mrs. Johnson’s honor. Now, he’s twenty years old, lacks self-reflection skills, reads rationalism blogs, and thinks he’s the world’s protagonist. In twenty years, he’ll either be president with a laundry list of war crimes, or in jail.

QUIZ: Do you know this friend well enough to swipe right on them on Tinder without them thinking you want to fuck them?

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Hooray! You’re back on campus this semester, and with the start of Spring comes the inevitable re-downloading of Tinder. You’re playing the field, swiping through profile after profile, when suddenly you see some guy you know! Hey, this could be a great opportunity for a little friendly game of “Lol-we’re-both-on-Tinder.” Maybe even throw a Super Like their way for an extra chuckle! But, wait a minute– your half-acquaintance will surely know you’re only just joking around, right? Or will your sorta-friend totally get the wrong idea?

Take this quiz to find out!

1. How long have you known this person for?

 
 
 

2. How do you greet each other in person?

 
 
 

3. What’s their favorite food?

 
 
 

4. Do you have any mutual friends?

 
 
 

5. Have they included the line: “If we’re friend IRL, I’ll swipe right” in their bio?

 
 
 

6. What ratio of hank to pank has this individual tried to engage you in in the past?

 
 
 

Dating Tips: 7 Ways to Get Her NetID

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Have you ever had a crush on some cute girl, but didn’t know how to get her netID? We’re here to save your love life! Here are 8 proven ways you can get her email.

  1. If you’re one of those shy guys (or girls!), then try to ask a mutual friend for her netID. Easy, right?
  2. If you don’t have any mutual friends, try typing her name (if you know it) into the Cornell Mail searchbar. Her netid should come up!
  3. Another way is to try to get her to sign a form. Make it look convincing, and make sure you leave a space of her netID!
  4. If that doesn’t work, try to catch her in the library using the printer from her NetPrint account. Her netID should be on the thing she’s printing. You’ll have a 10 second window. Use it wisely!
  5. Or you might want to try joining the Cornell IT Service and Support staff and try to get access to her netID from the student databases from there. Hey, we didn’t say it would be easy.
  6. If you’re not very good with computers, try getting into a group project with her. It’s almost guaranteed that you’ll be swapping netID’s at that point!
  7. But if you don’t share any classes with her, try striking up a conversation. Once it’s over, try asking for her phone number. Then text her for her netID. Good luck!

…Or if all of these don’t work, you could just grow some balls and just ask her for that university-assigned 4- to 6-digit alphanumerical code yourself! Girls love confidence!