A number of students have expressed concern that the Fall 2020 semester may be virtual. However, local freedom fighter Madison Thorwart ‘21 went the extra mile, authoring a heartfelt Facebook post begging for an in-person fall semester prior to attending a 100-person Collegetown darty.
Thorwart posted the following last Saturday at 10:08 AM:
“My fellow Cornellians, President Pollack, VP Lombardi, Board of Trustees:
A specter is haunting Cornell University—the specter of an online fall semester. We as Cornellians must unite under this one commonality to exorcise this accursed spirit. I want all the students reading to imagine the following: it is Friday, 3 PM, you just finished your classes for the day and you are sitting on CTB’s patio enjoying a pitcher of afternoon sangria with your friends. The town is bustling, you discuss your plans of getting absolutely shitfaced at Level B that evening, only to return to CTB in time to order a roundhouse bagel. You wake up in Cayuga Medical Center the next morning. Can you feel it? That overwhelming sensation of joy? It’s absolutely euphoric.
Now I want you to forget everything I just described and imagine this: an online fall semester where you are confined to your home and unable to experience any of this. Feel that? That heavy feeling of sadness, depression?
To the administration: Is this what you want? For your Cornellians to suffer because of a decision you make that’s essentially out of your control? I beg of you, please let us back on campus in the fall. Please fix coronavirus.
To my fellow classmates: Do everything in your power to ensure an in-person fall semester. That means flattening the curve, social distancing, shaming others who don’t on social media, sending emails to the board, and signing petitions. We have nothing to lose but our chains!!
“I am just saying what my fellow comrades are thinking,” claimed Thorwart. “How can there be change if no one speaks up? It only takes one to spark a revolution,” said Thorwart, pounding tequila shots at the 30-person pregame.
Fellow darty attendees wrote their own Facebook posts calling Thorwart a “martyr” after she tested positive for COVID-19. A hero of the revolution!