DAY HALL—As more and more students have become fully vaccinated in the past weeks, President Martha Pollack announced earlier this morning a new university measure to encourage unvaccinated students to receive a COVID-19 shot. The initiative introduces an innovative approach for a move towards normalcy, requiring all vaccinated students to take advantage of their immunity through maskless, physical violence against the unvaxxed. About time!
“This year has really been difficult for all students, and I wanted to allow those who have been working hard to protect themselves while letting off some steam. I really do care about the mental health of our vaxxed students. So, I thought I should kill two birds with one stone by creating a Cornell-synthesized hierarchical class structure that places the puny, pathetic, vaxx-less on the bottom where they belong,” commented Pollack, wiping blood off of her hands before chugging a Keystone. “Now, students can beat the fucking shit out of their weaker peers at anytime. Stomp, spit, and shit on those primitive troglodytes! We’re in a return to normalcy, baby! WOOHOOOO!!!!”
“I really feel as though the Cornell community has been brought even closer with this initiative,” says Kayla Benigni ‘23, “Like, I feel like the world is finally healing.” Sighs of relief have been heard all throughout campus after Pollack’s announcement, followed by the sounds, sights, and smells of sweet, sweet abuse.
The university will be dedicating facilities to the “3-S” Initiative, developing a space that anyone in need of an emotional outlet can use. The space will house several involuntarily unvaccinated human punching bags who you can tell based on their trembling are super excited to be contributing to such a noble cause! The “(Big) Red Room” will be replacing the current mental health resource offices in the Cornell Health building. Talk about progress!
Recently, I endured what most would agree is an extremely common and normal experience: while sitting in office hours, the TA turned to me, with a bright gaze full of empathy and understanding, and I burst into tears. This led to all sorts of intrusive questions like “how are you?” and “would you like to talk?” Ridiculous questions, given that I am so totally fine.
Although Big Therapy would have you believe otherwise, most of our emotional reactions are completely random and have no kind of deeper meaning. Here are five other utterly non-Freudian slips that have absolutely no deeper meaning and definitely don’t deserve any sort of analysis or reflection:
- Browsing dog adoption websites for three days and then going to the Cornell store to look at baby shirts for your hypothetical golden retriever puppy because you just want a hug.
- Going to the dining hall to get a takeout container full of french fries and a single hard boiled egg.
- Considering spilling hydrochloric acid on yourself during your Chemistry lab just to feel something.
- Forgetting to put a bra on when walking outside and then spending ten minutes debating whether or not to go back inside and put one on only to realize you forgot your ID in your room, so you can’t get back into your dorm and your nipples are showing so you yell at your friend’s window, but of course she’s not there so you wait until Ethan from the third floor lets you in after awkwardly trying not to stare, only to decide getting your COVID test isn’t worth this much trouble and taking a ten-hour nap so you miss the angry email from Martha Pollack telling you that you can’t go on campus until you get tested and fifteen hours later you can’t buy a smoothie from Terrace and are removed from the premises for “causing a scene” and oh look Ethan’s here too.
- Accidentally calling your professor “Daddy.”
COLLEGETOWN—It began as an innocent March day in Ithaca—March 1st, to be exact. The sun was kind of shining, at least enough to put a dent in the pile of soot-colored snow plowed off the road and into adjacent driveways three weeks ago. The Cornell populace was bundled up against a stiff breeze that threatened to cut through anything less than three sturdy layers of clothing. Was it perfect? No. But it was our life.
Then, at 5:47 p.m., came the notification that would spell the end of our little slice of Upstate paradise. “Change Your Test Day Form Closing 3/5,” sneered the email’s title. Faces across campus contorted in horror as we scanned the brief note for any indication that this might be—no, must be—some joke, some sort of sick prank by that nameless and faceless “COVID-19 Support Team.” But that reassurance would not come. We were on our own, forced to make a decision that could greatly alter the course of the rest of our lives, and potentially the next two months as well.
The next four days were spent making final arrangements. I agonized late into the night, weighing the merits of each possible combination. Monday/Friday or Tuesday/Friday—does it matter? Do I matter? Does anything matter? I could no longer say. All I knew was that my freedom was gone. From now on, my decisions would be made by The College.
That brings us to today. Cowed by the tyrannical rule of the Pollack administration, students are forced to labor through their days, knowing that they are forever locked into their swabbing selections. Nobody knows what happens if you try to change your testing days now—the gallant few who have sought this grail were never heard from again. Surely the outside world must soon recognize the Orwellian terrors lording over our once-proud school. I think that’s what Orwellian means, anyway. I never read 1984.
ITHACA—As students return to campus for another hybrid semester, many long to reclaim their lost semesters. Whether you’re a wide-eyed freshman trying to craft a public indecency-free bucket list or a dejected senior mourning the inevitable loss of your Catherine Street block party, this list is for you. Here are our top 10 things to do on campus, ranked by how likely they are to stay closed all semester.
10. Get your biweekly surveillance test. Open all days of the week. Don’t be a dick.
9. Visit the Harry Potter Library. Also known as the A.D. White Library. Turns out the room is open for reservations, meaning you might actually get a seat this time.
8. Eat at Establishment. Still open for takeout. You’ll no longer be waited on by your classmates which, depending on the size of your god complex, is either better or worse.
7. Listen to a chimes concert from the top of the clocktower. The best view you’ll find at Cornell. Now we just have drone footage.
6. Go bowling at Helen Newman Hall. We’re still holding out hope that the Tuesday night special will make a reappearance, but it’s looking like the only strikes we’ll get will be from the Daily Check.
5. Dress up for an event at the Johnson Museum of Art. Let’s be honest–it’s not like you would’ve been able to get a ticket anyways.
4. Watch a hockey game. Maybe next year, when there actually is a season.
3. Get free popcorn at Willard Straight Hall. This one devastates us the most but we’re guessing the money from the popcorn budget went towards contact tracing frat bros.
2. Go all out for Slope Day. As if Cornell would let a bunch of touch-starved, horny, socially-deprived twenty-somethings mosh together, even outdoors.
1. Take your mandatory swim test. You lucky bastards.
In light of the growing number of COVID cases and the approaching holiday season, hoards of infected students have returned home to their families to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday like it was originally celebrated: with the spreading of potentially lethal infectious diseases.
“Lately I’ve been trying to become more in touch with my colonizer roots,” said local conqueror Margaret Coughlin ‘23. “Plus I’m really amped to get into the true American spirit of things this holiday season, which is why I plan on travelling by ship and spitting, licking, and shitting on every possible surface in a once safe environment as a means of spreading all of my germs without the consent of any residents.” Superspreader legend!
Some students like Coughlin are just thrilled to spread their way cross country, while others are equally as eager to reconnect with distant and definitely ancient family members.
“It’s only once a year that I get to come home to my Mee-Maw, Pee-Paw, and all the other immunocompromised relatives and give each and every single one of them a wet kiss on the lips,” said area conquistador Jack Cortez ‘22. “Watching them all come down with the virus in 3-14 days will be just like experiencing the 1600s in real time; I’m even considering plotting a crop of corn on indigenous land.” Blast from the past!
While many disease-ridden students went home, the infected who cautiously stayed in the Ithaca area were sure to express ship hand-crafted blankets to contaminate their families back home.
BooOO! Halloween this year turned out to be one for the books. Never mind the ghastly costumes and unexpected frights; this holiday’s freakiest monsters were people so idiotic, they broke social distancing guidelines to go to a large party AND broadcast the whole thing on their Instagram stories! Scary!
These spectres haunted Collegetown throughout the night, blaring loud music and recording blurry panning videos of their 20-plus-person-hangouts. These eerie stories sent shivers down the spines of unsuspecting students on social media, who were petrified at the brazen displays of bad decision-making. Creepy!
The sight of Ivy League dolts bragging about their own stupid actions was too terrifying for words. How could anyone be idiotic enough to endanger the health of the broader campus community by hosting large gatherings and also so feeble-minded not to realize that literally anyone could record their Snapchats and get them in serious trouble?! Make it stop!
At least these modern-day ghouls let everyone know who they were so that they could be thoroughly avoided for the next 8-14 days. Talk about a silver lining!
It was a regular old Sunday morning, which meant dialing in for my extended family’s Sunday brunch Zoom call, and something about the way his face was getting red told me Uncle Gary was about to turn a whole lot of people dying into some political stance.
I’d seen Gary’s Facebook tirades about how state governments were “juicing” their death tolls, as if families losing loved ones was somehow a deep state conspiracy. Anyways, the second Chuck Todd said “if it’s Sunday, it’s Meet the Press” in the background of Cousin Steve’s Zoom, Gary looked about ready to burst.
And lo, the floodgates burst with almighty cries of “you shouldn’t be watching that Socialist propaganda!” All of a sudden there was an endless barrage of “fake news media” and “Chinese bioterror,” with a dash of “they just want to keep the economy closed to tank the administration.” It was all a pretty big yikes moment.
After Steve mentioned that more Americans have died of COVID-19 than the entire Vietnam War, Uncle Gary doubled down, claiming the “Vietnam War wasn’t even that bad.” It was all pretty wild, especially when Gary asked why “the deaths are magically only scary in blue states?”
By the end of the call, Uncle Gary really lost the audience when he used the terms “a whole buncha dead people” and “phoney-baloney” in the same sentence.