February 23, 2018

Amber Alert! Big Breaking Into Little’s Room Interrupts Masturbating Roommate

BALCH HALL—Listen up, all you hokey pokey players: if you think you can paddle the pink canoe while your roommate’s in class, think again! When Amber of Theta Sigma sorority broke into the dorm to decorate, she found her little’s roommate furiously auditioning the finger puppets. Yikes!

Each was disappointed to find the other there, as Amber was looking forward to an intimate afternoon of passing down generations of deodorant-stained clothing, and her little’s roommate was looking forward to a quiet afternoon of finger painting and perhaps playing the piano. Geez Amber, ever heard of knocking?

“I’m sorry if I startled you,” chirped the major downstairs party pooper as she sprinkled glitter and candy all over her little’s roommate’s personal space. “By the way, I’m Amber, don’t mind me!”

Amber proceeded to sputter while blowing up balloons as her little’s roommate laid in bed unmoving, listening and letting her Hot Pocket turn cold. Looks like the safest sex isn’t safe anymore with Amber in town!

Fear of encountering bigs like Amber has spread rapidly, as roommates of littles everywhere now look both ways before buttering their muffins and take extra care not to accidentally swipe glitter up their vaginas.

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