February 14, 2018

6 Cornell-Themed Ways I Tried to Win My Ex-Wife Back this Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day is the perfect time to honor the loved ones in your life. It’s also the one time every year that I beg my ex-wife Tammy to take me back and forgive her for sleeping with Jeremy from work, kicking me out of the house, and keeping my pet ferret. As a longtime Ithacan, I thought a Cornell-themed approach would be fun this year. Here’s what I tried:

Slipped the popcorn attendant at WSH a $20 to put extra nutritional yeast on her popcorn

I really thought that extra bit of nutty, cheesy flavor would win her over on this beautiful day, but I didn’t anticipate it’s high protein content making her strong enough to kick the shit out of me once she read the quarter card on the back asking her out.

Played “In Your Eyes” on the Chimes outside of her house

I’ve pulled the Say Anything gambit before, but instead of using the traditional boombox, I took the more romantic route and stole the chimes from McGraw Tower, learned how to play them, and longingly glanced at her window to that sweet, sweet, Peter Gabriel classic. Well worth the noise violation, but the chimesmaster who was in their while I was lugging it over seemed pretty upset.

Sledded down Libe Slope on a extra-large copy of our marriage certificate

Okay, I definitely should’ve gotten the certificate laminated cause by the end of the arguably “sick-as-fuck” run down Libe Slope the sled was a wet, sopping mess. But I am not to blame for  her pulling out a “Null & Void” stamp and stamping it all over the damn thing. That was some real extra “Tammy-style” shit.

Faked a life-threatening injury while she was walking to her 10:10 to wake the two of us up from our daily routines and remember what really matters

She just kept walking! What the fuck? I thought we had something special. You used to love me. You used to sleep in the same damn bed as me. And you wouldn’t even suck the poison out of my fake scorpion bite? I don’t care if you were running late to Intermediate Web Design. I mean, maybe my scrotum wasn’t the best spot to pick for the fake bite, but I only have so much fucking skin Tammy.

Installed a statue of her on the Arts Quad made entirely of condoms and lube I stole from Cornell Health

After running into Cornell Health three times a day every day since last Valentine’s Day, I finally accumulated enough Trojan Lifestyles and 1 fl. Oz. lube packets to piece together a beautiful, scale statue of Tammy. It’s no Thinker, but some of the condoms are flavored, so that’s a start!

Made love with Touchdown the Bear while calling him by her maiden name

Tammy needs to know I am strong, loving, and completely aware of her maiden name. So I rescued a bear from the circus, gave him a cornell shirt, seduced him, and had passionate, and undeniably loud, coitus outside of her office building while yelling phrases such as “Oh Stergowitz” and “You are but a bear, but to me you are Stergowitz.” She must now know that I’m ready to handle both her love and the many phonemes that make up her delicate maiden name.

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