Tag Archives: love

How To Justify To Marie Kondo That Empty Alcohol Bottles Bring You Joy

It might feel like Ithaca winter will drag on forever, but spring cleaning time will be here before you know it. And who better to consult for advice than Marie Kondo, author of the best-selling “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up” and star of her eponymous Netflix series?

So here’s the dealio – Marie’s method tells us to reflect on each of our belongings (yes, even your crusty old mouthguard) and keep them only if they spark joy.

You might be tempted to toss that economics textbook, but remember: the textbook helps you pass the class, which helps you graduate with a degree in Finance, which will score you a cushy Wall Street job. And money sure brings you joy!

A way tougher conundrum comes in the form of those empty bottles of Svedka lining the top of your kitchen cabinets. Sure, knocking back a cold one brings you all sorts of joy, but Mrs. Kondo might insist that you thank the bottle for its service and discard it, now that it’s outlived its usefulness.

Not so fast! You’ve got a strong claim that those bottles are still presently bringing you joy.  They’re a reminder of a happier, simpler time, like last Thursday, when you downed a magnum bottle of Barefoot White Zinfandel by yourself in the dark because you got your fourth job rejection in a week. These bottles show you’re chill! You can hang! You’re one of the bros!

Sure, your mom might cry every time she walks into your dingy Collegetown apartment because her “worst fears have been realized” and you’re “turning out just like your father,” but think of how informational your collection is! Move over, FiveThirtyEight, this is a real-life infographic of all the fun you’ve had.

Armed with these arguments, you are prepared to stand up to Marie Kondo for your right to amass years of party remnants for all to see. Although, you could probably just avoid all of this conflict in the first place by passing on spring cleaning this go-around.

Is This Love or Is There Still Time to Text Him Never Mind?

It’s Valentine’s Day, and that means it’s time to ask yourself whether this is love, or if there’s still time to text him never mind.

Maybe you smile every time you say his name. Maybe the only thing in the world that matters to you right now is that you’re together. Maybe, even when you’re busy, even when you haven’t had a second to breathe, you make time for each other, because this—what you both have—is real. Or maybe, it’s only been a little while and you can totally be like, “Oooops! Gotta go!”

This could be love. It could be the most intimate you’ve ever felt with another person. If not, thank God, you might still have time to say to him, “Wait, I think you’ve got the wrong number? Lol??”

Think long and hard about your relationship. Think about your ups and downs, and everything you’ve been through together. If you have a collection of fond, beautiful memories, then you’re gross, and you might be all the way in love. If you don’t, awesome, there’s still time to escape! The next time he sends you a love letter, just reply, “Oh,” and then never speak to him again.

In the end, you have to do what your heart tells you. But if it doesn’t say words and you just hear heart sounds, dump him.

Quiz: Can You Fill Out The Matchmaking Survey to Avoid Getting Coupled With Gary From Your 10am?

1. What is your ideal location for a first date?


2. What is your major, or at least what is a major that you think isn’t compatible with Gary’s so the algorithm doesn’t put you two together?


3. What are you looking for out of this match? Is it even possible to avoid choosing the same thing as Gary here? He seems to always run into you in every situation, so of course you’ll make the same choice here. Might as well try, I guess.


4. What trait do you value most in a partner? Also, the more you think about it, maybe giving Gary a chance isn’t the worst idea? You have been single for a while.


5. This last question is about what TV shows you like, but you’ve really moved past thinking about the questions.


6 Cornell-Themed Ways I Tried to Win My Ex-Wife Back this Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day is the perfect time to honor the loved ones in your life. It’s also the one time every year that I beg my ex-wife Tammy to take me back and forgive her for sleeping with Jeremy from work, kicking me out of the house, and keeping my pet ferret. As a longtime Ithacan, I thought a Cornell-themed approach would be fun this year. Here’s what I tried:

Slipped the popcorn attendant at WSH a $20 to put extra nutritional yeast on her popcorn

I really thought that extra bit of nutty, cheesy flavor would win her over on this beautiful day, but I didn’t anticipate it’s high protein content making her strong enough to kick the shit out of me once she read the quarter card on the back asking her out.

Played “In Your Eyes” on the Chimes outside of her house

I’ve pulled the Say Anything gambit before, but instead of using the traditional boombox, I took the more romantic route and stole the chimes from McGraw Tower, learned how to play them, and longingly glanced at her window to that sweet, sweet, Peter Gabriel classic. Well worth the noise violation, but the chimesmaster who was in their while I was lugging it over seemed pretty upset.

Sledded down Libe Slope on a extra-large copy of our marriage certificate

Okay, I definitely should’ve gotten the certificate laminated cause by the end of the arguably “sick-as-fuck” run down Libe Slope the sled was a wet, sopping mess. But I am not to blame for  her pulling out a “Null & Void” stamp and stamping it all over the damn thing. That was some real extra “Tammy-style” shit.

Faked a life-threatening injury while she was walking to her 10:10 to wake the two of us up from our daily routines and remember what really matters

She just kept walking! What the fuck? I thought we had something special. You used to love me. You used to sleep in the same damn bed as me. And you wouldn’t even suck the poison out of my fake scorpion bite? I don’t care if you were running late to Intermediate Web Design. I mean, maybe my scrotum wasn’t the best spot to pick for the fake bite, but I only have so much fucking skin Tammy.

Installed a statue of her on the Arts Quad made entirely of condoms and lube I stole from Cornell Health

After running into Cornell Health three times a day every day since last Valentine’s Day, I finally accumulated enough Trojan Lifestyles and 1 fl. Oz. lube packets to piece together a beautiful, scale statue of Tammy. It’s no Thinker, but some of the condoms are flavored, so that’s a start!

Made love with Touchdown the Bear while calling him by her maiden name

Tammy needs to know I am strong, loving, and completely aware of her maiden name. So I rescued a bear from the circus, gave him a cornell shirt, seduced him, and had passionate, and undeniably loud, coitus outside of her office building while yelling phrases such as “Oh Stergowitz” and “You are but a bear, but to me you are Stergowitz.” She must now know that I’m ready to handle both her love and the many phonemes that make up her delicate maiden name.