February 26, 2018

Major Bombshell: Declassified Memo Reveals That Chad Isn’t Asking You To Formal

Last Friday saw the release of a highly anticipated, recently declassified IFC memo that is already sending shockwaves through the Greek system’s major houses.

Despite all signs indicating that he was going to take you to formal, this memo—meticulously cultivated from over 600 messages ranging from pledge class GroupMes to screenshotted SnapChats—paints a stunning picture of how Chad has actually been executing a calculated plan to invite Jessica instead, seeing that Jessica broke up with her boyfriend at the end of last semester.

The sensational document acts as total rebuke of the memo released earlier this month, which detailed how Chad really enjoyed sake bombing with you at his last date night. Previously released records reveal that Chad had even been heard saying he could see you two “getting cuffed,” from anonymous sources.

Weeks of hotly tested debate led to the release of the memo with extensive redactions to protect the sensitive information about sacred Rho Upsilon Tau pledging traditions littered through the messages on Chad’s phone.

Chad has publically pushed back against the memo on Twitter, calling it “definitely not chill,” and arguing that a majority of the incriminating information was illegally obtained by unlocking his phone with his finger while he was sleeping.

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