You know the situation. It’s Friday night and you’re on your shit, really vibing after a stressful week. The rest of the room is right there with you, alcoholic beverage in hand as they let the worries of the real world melt away. Everyone seems to be unified in action and intent. Well, almost everyone.
Eventually it dawns on you that there’s one guy who seems a little out of place. He’s not really talking with anyone, he’s not going out and dancing. He seems to sort of just… be there, standing off in the corner by himself. It’s not even really awkward, just a little unnerving. He scrolls his phone casually, sometimes glancing around the room while he takes a sip from his cup.
But then you realize: that’s not a cup, that’s a glass. Seems a little fancy for the setting, no? And—wait, that drink is white! That’s gotta be milk, right? What the hell is going on?!
We’ve all been there. To help make sense of it all, here are a few questions you can ask to get to the bottom of things.
- Is that milk? First off, it’s important to clarify that he is indeed drinking milk. Imagine how foolish you would feel if you presumed the beverage to be milk when, in actuality, he was indulging in a large glass of eggnog or a particularly opaque limeade? That baseline has to be established first and foremost.
- Is there any alcohol in there? Once you’ve confirmed the libation’s lactic nature, you can ask if it’s something like a White Russian. It would still be kinda weird but at least would fit the setting better.
- Did you bring a gallon of milk or just this one glass? You want to gauge their level of commitment to the milk. However, be aware that the answer is pretty definitely going to be at least one gallon, possibly more.
- If you could drink the milk of any mammal, what would it be and why? It’s a good conversation starter that also doubles as a screen for sociopaths, so this is really like asking two questions for the price of one. We’ve heard good things about llama milk if he returns the question and you need a response in a pinch.
- Can I have a glass of milk, pretty please? Once you’ve earned their trust and screened their sanity, you’re finally safe to reveal your true intentions and request that sweet, sweet party milk.
Adapting to College life can be tough for everyone, but imagine how hard it is for those of us facing physical disabilities. All of the social anxieties felt by being thrown into a new setting with dozens of people you’ve never met before get heightened by the palpable impairment that makes you feel completely different from everyone else.
This was especially true for Dwight Albert ‘21, who was paralyzed from the waist down when he was only four years old.
“Having a limited use of motor skills and using a wheelchair to get around is how I’ve lived for as long as I can remember, making it super tough to play even simple games like beer pong and slap cup, let alone do a keg stand,” said Albert.
When some people on his floor convinced him to go out last Saturday, Matthew was expecting more of the same: multiple sets of stares, awkward conversations, and just feeling out of place.
But right before Dwight was about to call it quits and head back to North, some brothers noticed he was looking a little down, and decided to completely turn his night around—or as some would say, upside-down!
“We just brought him over to the center of the room, helped him out of his wheelchair, and got him straightened out for the keg stand. He was a natural and everyone started chanting his name, it made the party that much better! He even was able to stay on there for 50 seconds, the longest of the night!” said Tanner Blake ’18, who originally had the idea to help out Dwight.
Wow! What an inspiring and uplifting story of brotherhood and compassion. Hopefully, this act of generosity can help make our campus a more inclusive place in the future!
There are plenty of small town heroes to be found in Ithaca, but this long weekend, one really stood out from the crowd. Eric LaSorsa ‘18, a member of Sigma Psi Theta fraternity, has publicly stated that if somebody doesn’t want a drink anymore, he will proudly “slam that fucker down like it’s nobody’s business.”
Yes, that’s right! Whether your cup is filled to the brim, or barely worth a sip, LaSorsa will “slosh that bitch into his mouth” like it’s his own freshly poured drink. What a mensch!
You might be wondering – what inspires this real-life Superman to do The Lord’s work? According to LaSorsa, “sad, lonely drinks need a strong, paternal figure to knock that shit back and finish them off like a real man.” Nice!
When asked if his good deeds extended toward non-alcoholic drinks like water, juice, or even iced tea, the literal reincarnate of Mama Theresa responded, “fuck that pussy shit, beer is my water.”
Thanks, Eric, for spreading your angelic wings over our campus!