2022
Godspeed, Loyal Friend! Most Steadfast Donkey Collapses on Arduous Journey Up College Ave
Alack! Alack! It is with great sorrow I must announce mine truest donkey hath passed into the angels’ realm while traversing that treacherous expanse, Collegiate Avenue. Alas, poor Bartholomew! For many years he hath been mine dearest companion and closest confidante, far surpassing my wretched wife Dorothea. His gentle brays and unfailing nature hath brought…
False Advertising? Farmers at Farmers’ Market Not Available for Purchase
Like many Cornellians, I enjoy a home-cooked meal but can feel uncomfortable about where my ingredients originate. Sure, the big displays at Aldi and Wegmans are cornucopias spilling with fresh produce, but where did they come from and how did they get here? While pondering these questions on a drive to the latter, my eyes…
Day of Atonement Fail! Student Still Business Major
Oy gevalt! Jacob Schleiss ‘25 disappointed nice Jewish girls everywhere today by confirming that despite undergoing a 25-hour period of intense prayer, fasting, and repentance, he has no plans to abandon his study of business administration. Way to miss the point, Jacob! In what is already being described as the biggest Judaism-related fuck-up since the…
Oopsie! I Drank the Olin Library Water and Now I Glow in the Dark
After hitting a personal low in Olin Library (crying in the stacks for 3 straight hours), I decided to treat myself to some delicious, refreshing, and free water from the lovely little fountain in the basement. I figured through sheer willpower alone, I could evade the inevitable disease that was indicated by the blaring red…