May 2, 2017

9 Ways To Break It To Your Parents That You Need Another Year To Graduate

shrug

Don’t you hate when all that drinking and lazing around in your dorm catch up to you? We’ve all been there! Well, lucky for you, we’ve got 9 ways to break it to your parents that your education is gonna take a little longer than expected.

1. Change your nickname in the family group chat to “RAW DISAPPOINTMENT.”
2. Send your mother a panicked Venmo request for $60,000.
3. Imitate your father by stacking up with two friends together in a trenchcoat, go to the front desk of the Statler, and attempt to reschedule his reservation to next year.
4. Tell them that the roads out of Cornell are slippery. Like…real fuckin’ slippy, my guy.
5. Convince them that you’ve married one of your professors and need to take their classes for a full school year as part of your vows.
6. Make them a nice breakfast in bed when you’re back home for the summer but spell out “I FUCKED UP AND NEED TO TAKE ANOTHER YEAR FOR MY BACHELOR’S” using the syrup.
7. Take them out to a nice seafood restaurant, rearrange the house exactly as it looked one year ago after they fall asleep, and then convince them that they’ve travelled back in time by exactly one year due to some bad clams they ate and talk about how excited you are to start your senior year.
8. Claim that a group of rogue geese have instituted martial law on campus and the new effective curfew has made it impossible to leave for the next year. Plead that they shouldn’t try calling the police, because the geese are the new police.
9. Don’t tell them, crash the Class of 2017 graduation, take out a student loan, and die in a sea of debt allowing the immense shame of lying to your parents to be overwritten by the pride of having gotten away with it all.

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