Tag Archives: Graduation

Real-Life Avengers! After Graduation, Half Your Friends Will Disappear

If you have friends in the Class of 2019, you’re getting ready for the emotional transition from always spending time together to not seeing each other for a long, long time, if ever. Eventually, your memories of one another will begin to dissipate, like dust in the wind. It’ll be just like they vanished into the ether.

Sick!! Just like when Thanos used the infinity gauntlet!

You’re going to part—possibly forever—with people you care deeply about, whose lives have had a serious impact on your own. And… that’s SO DOPE. They’ll basically vanish into thin air. You’ll be like, “WHAT?! WHERE’D YOU GOOO?!” And then, the craziest part? They won’t answer! It’ll be like their lives were taken by the soul stone!

Who knows what it’s gonna be like when fifty percent of all your friends are gone? That’s probably going to leave a huge emotional hole in your psyche. Which is fucking BADASS—you’ll be like a real-life superhero! Talk about a nice, edgy backstory. What’s next? Maybe someone will do something as cool as killing your parents!

Anyway, I’m pretty jealous of that whole superhero life. I wish I was lucky enough to have friends to miss.

Job Posting: The Perfect Entry Level Position for Soon-to-Be Cornell Graduate

Our company is seeking a motivated, hard-working, and employment-oriented soon-to-be college graduate from Cornell University to fill an entry level position for our up-and-coming startup that was recently mentioned in the New York Times AND featured in Buzzfeed’s highly acclaimed “16 Most Fun Work Environments” listicle! We have openings in our following branches: New York, NY; San Francisco, CA; Seattle, WA; Honolulu, HI; London, England; Paris, France; Johannesburg, South Africa; Tokyo, Japan; and Papeete, Tahiti.

Duties: The individual selected for the program will:
· Manage generic data using the most basic Microsoft Excel functions
· Create and distribute artistic and/or technical workplace posters, depending on the Bachelor’s degree of the individual
· Participate in amusing banter with the rest of the under-28 staff
· Assign more difficult tasks to one of the interns
· Provide in-depth responses to questions about the newest Star Wars film
· Spend an appropriate amount of time on Facebook commenting words of encouragement on friends’ posts about their job searches
· Act professional yet chill in the workplace

Qualifications: Those applying for this position must meet the following requirements:
· Graduated from Cornell University with a minimum 2.0 GPA
· Majored in Mathematics, Physics, Biology, Environmental Science, Environmental Policy, History, Government, English, Comparative Literature, Art, Architecture, Psychology, Sociology, Scientology, Religious Studies, Hotel Management, Economics, Business, Pre-Law, or anything vaguely similar to the above.
· Minored in something totally unrelated to their major but had really fun classes so you decided “what the heck, maybe it’ll be useful one day”
· At least two (2) years of experience in adjusting your resume to make it seem like you have real-world experience
· Strong communication skills, or at least the ability to thank the pizza delivery guy without saying “you too!” when he says “enjoy your pizza!”
· Ability to work effectively in a group setting while taking the majority of the credit
· Attention to detail, which we’ll assume you have anyway
· A deep passion for having a job

The selected individual will be given a salary that is large enough for them to live comfortably in whichever location they choose but low enough so that their jealous friends won’t hate them. The company offers a comprehensive benefits package, including health insurance, life insurance, dental and vision coverage, retirement planning, wedding planning, and AAA roadside assistance. A free lunch buffet will also be offered on Wednesdays in the company bistro/sushi bar/lounge.

To Apply:
Please submit a cover letter, resume, three letters of recommendation from professors you barely know but you did well enough in their classes to merit a recommendation, and your desired workplace location by March 1st. The selected individual is expected to begin working on June 1st, or whenever the individual is done traveling through Europe with friends.

9 Ways To Break It To Your Parents That You Need Another Year To Graduate

Don’t you hate when all that drinking and lazing around in your dorm catch up to you? We’ve all been there! Well, lucky for you, we’ve got 9 ways to break it to your parents that your education is gonna take a little longer than expected.

1. Change your nickname in the family group chat to “RAW DISAPPOINTMENT.”
2. Send your mother a panicked Venmo request for $60,000.
3. Imitate your father by stacking up with two friends together in a trenchcoat, go to the front desk of the Statler, and attempt to reschedule his reservation to next year.
4. Tell them that the roads out of Cornell are slippery. Like…real fuckin’ slippy, my guy.
5. Convince them that you’ve married one of your professors and need to take their classes for a full school year as part of your vows.
6. Make them a nice breakfast in bed when you’re back home for the summer but spell out “I FUCKED UP AND NEED TO TAKE ANOTHER YEAR FOR MY BACHELOR’S” using the syrup.
7. Take them out to a nice seafood restaurant, rearrange the house exactly as it looked one year ago after they fall asleep, and then convince them that they’ve travelled back in time by exactly one year due to some bad clams they ate and talk about how excited you are to start your senior year.
8. Claim that a group of rogue geese have instituted martial law on campus and the new effective curfew has made it impossible to leave for the next year. Plead that they shouldn’t try calling the police, because the geese are the new police.
9. Don’t tell them, crash the Class of 2017 graduation, take out a student loan, and die in a sea of debt allowing the immense shame of lying to your parents to be overwritten by the pride of having gotten away with it all.