May 9, 2017

Job Posting: The Perfect Entry Level Position for Soon-to-Be Cornell Graduate

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Our company is seeking a motivated, hard-working, and employment-oriented soon-to-be college graduate from Cornell University to fill an entry level position for our up-and-coming startup that was recently mentioned in the New York Times AND featured in Buzzfeed’s highly acclaimed “16 Most Fun Work Environments” listicle! We have openings in our following branches: New York, NY; San Francisco, CA; Seattle, WA; Honolulu, HI; London, England; Paris, France; Johannesburg, South Africa; Tokyo, Japan; and Papeete, Tahiti.

Duties: The individual selected for the program will:
· Manage generic data using the most basic Microsoft Excel functions
· Create and distribute artistic and/or technical workplace posters, depending on the Bachelor’s degree of the individual
· Participate in amusing banter with the rest of the under-28 staff
· Assign more difficult tasks to one of the interns
· Provide in-depth responses to questions about the newest Star Wars film
· Spend an appropriate amount of time on Facebook commenting words of encouragement on friends’ posts about their job searches
· Act professional yet chill in the workplace

Qualifications: Those applying for this position must meet the following requirements:
· Graduated from Cornell University with a minimum 2.0 GPA
· Majored in Mathematics, Physics, Biology, Environmental Science, Environmental Policy, History, Government, English, Comparative Literature, Art, Architecture, Psychology, Sociology, Scientology, Religious Studies, Hotel Management, Economics, Business, Pre-Law, or anything vaguely similar to the above.
· Minored in something totally unrelated to their major but had really fun classes so you decided “what the heck, maybe it’ll be useful one day”
· At least two (2) years of experience in adjusting your resume to make it seem like you have real-world experience
· Strong communication skills, or at least the ability to thank the pizza delivery guy without saying “you too!” when he says “enjoy your pizza!”
· Ability to work effectively in a group setting while taking the majority of the credit
· Attention to detail, which we’ll assume you have anyway
· A deep passion for having a job

Compensation:
The selected individual will be given a salary that is large enough for them to live comfortably in whichever location they choose but low enough so that their jealous friends won’t hate them. The company offers a comprehensive benefits package, including health insurance, life insurance, dental and vision coverage, retirement planning, wedding planning, and AAA roadside assistance. A free lunch buffet will also be offered on Wednesdays in the company bistro/sushi bar/lounge.

To Apply:
Please submit a cover letter, resume, three letters of recommendation from professors you barely know but you did well enough in their classes to merit a recommendation, and your desired workplace location by March 1st. The selected individual is expected to begin working on June 1st, or whenever the individual is done traveling through Europe with friends.

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