Disaster struck Ithaca this Friday night, when it was reported that Mufasa, King of Pride Rock, passed away from injuries sustained after being trampled by dozens of drunk freshmen in Collegetown.
In a statement yesterday, Ithaca Police stated that Mufasa was hunting for food for his family on College Ave around 10:30 pm on Friday, when nearly seventy intoxicated freshmen exited a TCAT and ran in all directions in pursuit of the free alcohol and parties now accessible with their first taste of undergraduate freedom. By the time Mufasa could react, police claim, there was “nowhere to run.”
While Ithaca police continue to investigate the crime, university and city officials, students, and celebrities tweeted out their condolences and asked that everyone around the world honor Mufasa’s great legacy and memory:
Cornellians of all creeds, colors, and species are together in mourning, but also in celebration of the inspiring life led by Ithaca’s most beloved cartoon jungle beast. We hope you and Walt Disney catch all the gazelle you desire up there in heaven.
Let’s face it, the Cornell Football team isn’t doing so well. Our head coach David Archer has been doing the best he can, but after almost a winless season last year and so far a winless season this year, it’s time for someone new.
That’s why we’re trying to get Bill Nye the Science Guy to be our new football coach.
Aside from being one of the world’s most influential science educators, Bill Nye has strong ties to Cornell. He’s probably one of Cornell’s most well known alumni! He would be a perfect fit to lead the Big Red to a winning season.
There’s no doubt it would be tough, but Bill Nye is such an effective communicator, and he knows so much about science. As the head coach of the football team, he could teach the quarterback about projectile motion and how to account for wind resistance when he passes, or teach our defenders about using Newton’s third law when they tackle another player.
Can David Archer do that? Sadly, he can’t, and it’s hurting this great university’s athletics program.
It’s time you start putting all those bow-ties to use, Bill. Can’t you use science to help out your old alma mater? What kind of chemistry goes into football? What about biology? The football team clearly needs to learn these things, and you’re the perfect one to teach it.
We don’t want our football team to lose anymore. We want to win the Ivy League Championships! Help us make Bill Nye the Science Guy Cornell’s next football coach by signing our petition on Change.org.