- “I could never do that!”
Although you mean that your instinctive sense of self preservation would never allow you to do something so embarrassing in front of so many people, your friend will think you are simply admiring their unique performance. Everybody wins!
- “You’re so spontaneous!”
This little number is perfect for when your friend very clearly forgot the lyrics about halfway through their solo and did some panicked improv vocalization.
- “You have such great stage presence!”
A perfect quip for when you left to go use the bathroom and missed your friend’s only solo performance.
- “So many noises were coming from the stage!”
This one is perfect for those who don’t like to lie, preventing them from saying anything positive about the concert, but also need their friend to keep driving them to their 9 am.
- “You all came together so well!”
Even though this is entirely false, your friend should be ego tripping hard enough to buy it hook, line, and sinker.
- “Best concert ever!”
All of these concerts are exactly the same.
- “I loved the part where the person sang!”
This indicates that you knew the vocal performance was supposed to be musical in some way.
- “You really are America’s Top Aca-fucker!”
You can show that you know the a capella lingo and actually care about your friend’s horrendous passion by giving them this prestigious title.
- “The humming in the background was stupendous!”
Despite its droning quality, a capella groups take their humming very seriously. Be careful though, this one may encourage them to keep at it.
- “I was shocked when you were singing one song and then started singing another at the same time! What a twist!”
This comment will make it seem like you were paying attention to the concert regardless of if you showed up 90 minutes late. Every single acapella group will do this in every concert without fail.
- “That choreography was something else!”
It sure was! Was it something good? Maybe not, but your friend doesn’t need to know that. Say this to create the aura of a compliment while maintaining your honest soul.
- “I can’t believe there wasn’t any auto tune, really!”
Yeah, it’s pretty much okay to stroke the ego of your little a cappella friend at this point in the game, especially because again, it’s not truly a lie. There probably should have been some auto tune.
- “I wish I had your confidence!”
- “You could totally go viral for that!”
Not a lie! The only downside is that you will likely subject millions to hearing your friend’s craft, and your for-you page will be forever haunted.
- “That must be so useful for when you put food in your mouth but it doesn’t taste good so you aggressively spit it out!”
This provides assurance that this is a transferable and applicable skill! They totally weren’t wasting their time when practicing for ten hours a week for a month or anything! Mom and Dad would be so proud!
- “The last song was my favorite!”
Shows you were paying attention! (…to the clock, but you don’t have to mention that)
- “I have no clue how you’re still single!”
Don’t worry that this one won’t apply. It always does.
- “Your performance honors StarClan.”
Because they sounded exactly like a feral cat in heat.
- “I love a good throwback!”
This one is perfect following a performance of any song written between 2005 and 2016. If you’re looking for something reliable, this is a great go-to.
- “When’s the next concert?!”
Now is the perfect time to ensure that you will be busy.
- “I had no idea that people could make noises like a drum!”
By simply omitting the fact that you also do not care that people can make noises like a drum, an otherwise mean-spirited comment becomes an encouraging line of praise.
- “I wish there were more songs!”
No one has ever wished this, but the magnitude of your lie will convince them.
- “You guys should go on tour!”
Sending your friend far away is a great way to make sure you won’t have to hear them for quite some time.
- “I haven’t seen a performance like that since High School Musical 2 released!”
Conveniently, High School Musical 2 released shortly before the 2008 financial crisis, which is what you are referencing.
- “Way to hit that octave!”
Octaves have something to do with music.
KLARMAN HALL— With the upcoming onslaught of finals and never-ending last minute assignments, when your friend hits you with “My a capella group is having a concert this weekend, you’re definitely coming through, right?” the most immediate and resounding internal response is a shrieking, guttural “Dear God, no.”
So how do you, unsuspecting and innocent, navigate your way out of this awful-hellscape and into any other Friday night activities? There are a few ways out of this fate, should you brave the course:
1. “I’ll totally be there!”
It is, of course, always a safe move to just lie to them. It’s definitely not like they will have a check in at the auditorium on the night of the concert, and even if they did, who gives a shit? Definitely not your friend.
2. “Oh no! I have something that night 🙁 ”
A classic excuse, the “I’m busy.” This is without a doubt a surefire way to get yourself right on out of there, and right into some stinky frat basement. Pepper in the frowny face for some extra flavor, and kiss that sweet, sweet music goodbye.
3. “I’ll definitely let you know.”
Ah yes, delay the inevitable. If you put off telling your friend whether you can make it to their concert or not, word on the street is, the concert will eventually happen. Feel free to leave your friend in limbo for all eternity, and just like that, you’re out clean!
This one is a good bet if you’re looking for simplicity. A lie with no strings attached, a simple agreement can save you further conversation in the present, and you need only offer a confusion of dates in the aftermath.
Again, an in-between place is a very nice place to start. Definitely hit your friend with that maybe, and then never, ever clarify your presence. It’s best, really, this state of confusion一no one gets hurt.
6. “My other friend actually has a concert that night too”
Ah yes, an a capella salvation. What can save you except the hell you have been damned to in the first place. If you cannot go to their concert, it must only be because you have another dear friend to support. Just like that you are saved, and you are glorious.