Red alert to all milk-lovers out there! If you thought you and your milk were safe, think again. Big Betty, Cornell Dairy’s most reliable and easy-flowing cow, has gone rogue, and she’s coming to steal all her milk back!
That’s right. Last last night, in one of Cornell Dairy’s most historic security breaches to date, Big Betty, or as the other cows have come to know her, Betty, broke out of her enclosure with only one thing in mind: getting back all of her lactose-filled liquids from the “motherfuckers” who thought they could “just steal her nipple juice and get away with it.”
After Big Betty’s escape from Cornell Dairy, it was reported that she stormed into the Dairy Bar, furious at Cornell’s attempts to craft her own, creamy gifts upon the world into ice cream, butter, and other perversions of Big Betty’s own personal udder-crops.
“Honestly, it’s just a scary time for all of us,” a representative from the Society of Osteoporosis Patients told us. “We’ve had to begin looking towards alternative forms of calcium, because Big Betty is out there, and if you’ve got her milk, she’s coming for you.”
Betty was last seen wreaking havoc upon Jansen’s Market, furious at not only the sight of her own, full-fat life water being sold like cattle, but also the eco-unfriendly tiny plastic jugs they were being served in. And upon her discovery of chocolate milk, let’s just say things got a little bit uglier.