Everyone knows the words with which Ezra Cornell started his eponymous university: “I would found an institution where any person can find instruction in any study.” But that doesn’t tell you what to expect in those studies, now does it? So, here is our list of what the defining statement for each and every Cornell College and School should be:

 

Cornell University

I would build an institution into a cliff side despite there being acres of flat land just a mile away where any wealthy white person can find instruction in a buncha random ass studies taught by some poor sons of bitches we tricked into coming to the farmland of New York to teach.

Undergraduate:

College of Agricultural and Life Sciences (CALS)

You’re gonna want to really breathe in that elephant poop.

College of Architecture, Art, and Planning (AAP)

Our students, and our drugs, grow the best under 24/7 fluorescent lights.

College of Arts and Sciences (CAS)

Proving over 8 semesters that romance studies won’t get you laid.

College of Engineering (CoE)

A well-balanced lifestyle, like Newton’s Law of Force Pairs, comes last.

College of Human Ecology (CHE)

Let’s talk about sex, ba-by!

Dyson School of Applied Economics and Management (AEM)

#10 in undergraduate business programs, #1 if you don’t count the first 9, those pussies.

School of Computing and Information Sciences (CIS)

We have imbibed the sacred chalice of liquid crystal display, and soon we shall all ascend.

School of Hotel Administration (SHA)

Majoring in minoring in real estate studies.

School of Industrial and Labor Relations (ILR)

Where no one goes into Industry, no one cares about Labor, and everyone else hates you.

School of Public Policy

The academic equivalent of the ugly red headed step child of the off spring of a rented mule and a beaten sore thumb.

Graduate:

SC Johnson Graduate School of Management (JGSM)

Premier corporate business studies in a backwoods rural farming community (we swear).

Cornell Law School (LAW)

Lawyers, in the bitchiest sense.

College of Veterinary Medicine (VET)

Let me take those Pomeranian balls off your hands.

Cornell Graduate Studies (GRAD)

Guaranteeing you’re the only person who HAS to go to optional discussion section…dumbass.

Weill Cornell College of Medicine (WEILL)

Your one and only chance to fondle cadaver boobs before it becomes socially frowned upon.