Hey guys. I’m just a father trying to get my son into Cornell University, and yeah, I’ve heard the whole shpiel. “All applications are evaluated holistically…” and blah blah blah, but give me a break. What I really wanna know is, whose dick I have to suck to get my son admitted to this prestigious university?

I get that the admission of my son, Kip, will be decided on the quality of not just his GPA but also his extracurriculars, college essay, and overall achievements, but I think the quality of the seduction techniques used to get Cornell’s Head of Admissions into my bed will factor a bit more into the decision.

I’ve been told by plenty of people that if Kip is a passionate, talented student, his application will speak for itself, but I think the lack of me speaking due to a Cornell official’s penis being in my mouth would be far more effective.

I know what you’re thinking. A dad offering to suck people off for his son’s higher education? That’s pretty strange, but goddamnit, I will blow every single living human being in Day Hall if it gets my son one step closer to spending the next four years of his life in Ithaca.