Tag Archives: Zoom

Awkward! Professor Keeps Putting Ugly Pet On Zoom

ZOOMTorturing his students with the horrific sight of his cat Muffins, Cornell ethics professor Daniel Shrocket made it a point to direct his camera front-and-center whenever his frightful bundle of hairballs stalked across his room.

Students in the class have expressed their inability to discern why anyone would adopt such a beast, but have selflessly banded together, noting that it’s in their best interest to keep that to themselves. “Whenever the professor turns the camera on it, I feel the bile gathering in the back of my mouth,” said Alexis Santos ‘23. “Then I realize that the professor controls my grade so I give it three ‘awwwws,’ and I enquire how old the ugly little shit is.”

Those unfortunate enough to attend the professor’s office hours face even greater frights. Andrea Yankoto ‘23 has resorted to skipping class after one virtual encounter with the cat’s mangled fur and protruding teeth. “All I wanted was to clarify an essay’s due date, but when I joined Professor Shrocket was just sitting there stroking his feline like a Bond-villain. Then he asked me ‘isn’t Muffins the cutest,’” recounted Yankoto, eyes glazed. “I just froze. I don’t have the heart to tell him, but god damn that thing is ugly.”

Contrary to his students’ beliefs, Shrocket privately revealed that he is aware of the repulsiveness of his furball; the professor remarked that he “only fondles the little beast to watch the class squirm and kiss ass over their grades.”

Bold! CUPB Assumes Hannibal Buress Funnier Over Zoom Than My Technologically Inept 86-Year-Old Economics Professor

This post is sponsored by CUPB! Cornell University Program Board is proud to (virtually) welcome Hannibal Buress, a cast member on Broad City and co-host on the Eric Andre Show.

This FREE moderated and audience Q&A is only open to the Cornell Community on a first come, first serve basis. Hannibal will be reading your questions, so if you have any, fill out this form: https://forms.gle/uvMLdWGQq5oeLrXu6

To register for the zoom webinar, click below: https://zoom.us/webinar/register/WN_vVW_R8pRQM6oqREpVL_6cw

This FREE event is open to Cornell students, faculty, and staff.

I just found out that Hannibal Buress will be headlining CUPB’s Spring Comedy Show… virtually. Look, I love Hannibal – insanely funny guy – but just so that we’re clear: no matter what he brings to the table during his event this Friday, he will never be half as funny over Zoom as my 86-year-old economics professor, John Elkridge. 

 Like a lot of people, I was a little disappointed when we were told about the transition to online classes, but honestly, I have never had a better semester at Cornell. I haven’t arrived early to a single in-person class. But ever since Professor Elkridge has been forced to hold classes over Zoom, I line up overnight for this class. Heck, I’ll Zoom in with my parents sometimes.

Yesterday, I tuned into class 20 minutes early. I was the only other person in the conference, and watched with glee as the former Chair of the Economics Department was already 14 slides into presenting a PowerPoint that he had physically printed out and was holding in the wrong direction of the camera. Legendary. 

I get it, Hannibal’s been on all these big shows and has his own fancy stand-up specials– whatever. He will never bring me as much joy as when I heard a frustrated Nobel Laureate in pajama pants yell “God damn it, Arlene, the fish are back” when a ‘Baby Shark’ e-card from his great-grandkids appeared as his virtual background. Comedy. Gold. 

So yes, I’ll be watching Hannibal’s Zoom thing on Friday, but good luck coming close to matching the comedic stylings of a confused older person forced to try new things… on camera.